Why bother with relationships? A counsellor’s perspective

Relationships can feel like a minefield, complicated, exhausting, and sometimes downright painful. Wouldn’t it be easier to retreat into solo seclusion, free from the messiness of human connection? Perhaps. But realistically, even the most fiercely independent loners need someone, sometime.

Human beings are wired for connection. We thrive in tribes, not isolation. Studies show that extended loneliness increases mental and physical health risks, yet on the flip side, unhealthy relationships can be just as damaging. The quality of our relationships shapes our emotional well-being, influencing everything from our self-worth to our resilience in life’s toughest moments.

But here’s the challenge: most of us were never taught how to have healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Relationships reflect ourselves

Every relationship you have is a reflection of your relationship with yourself. The way you give and receive love mirrors how you feel about your own worth. If you’re filled with self-doubt, insecurity, or resentment, those emotions inevitably spill into your interactions with others.

It’s easy to blame external factors when relationships go wrong, your partner’s flaws, your friend’s betrayals, your family’s dysfunction. But real growth begins when you pause and ask:

• How am I contributing to this dynamic?
• What patterns am I repeating?
• Am I treating myself with the same love and respect I expect from others?

If you struggle to feel worthy of love, you may unconsciously sabotage relationships or settle for less than you deserve. If you neglect your own needs, you may resent the time and energy you give to others. Healing begins when you recognise that you are enough, you are doing enough, and you have enough

Take a moment to reflect:

• Write down your qualities, accomplishments, and abilities.
• If you struggle to see your own strengths, ask a close friend what they admire about you.
• Reinforce self-worth daily: I deserve love. I am whole. I am capable of fulfilling, healthy relationships.

Breaking relationship patterns

Our early experiences shape our expectations of relationships. Think about your childhood caregivers, did they model healthy communication, emotional security, and mutual respect? Or did they pass down patterns of dysfunction?

Consider these questions:

• What beliefs about relationships did you absorb from childhood?
• Have you unconsciously repeated these patterns in your own relationships?
• What qualities did your caregivers lack, and how can you embody the opposite?

For example:

• If you grew up with emotional neglect, you might struggle with vulnerability. Counter this by allowing yourself to express your needs without guilt.
• If past relationships left you feeling unseen, ask yourself: Am I choosing partners who truly value and respect me?

Awareness is the first step. Accountability is the second. Once you acknowledge your patterns, you have the power to change them.

Me before we: Cultivating a strong self

A flourishing relationship starts with a solid foundation, you. Just like a garden, relationships require care, patience, and the right conditions to grow.

• Spring is the season of new connections, full of excitement, discovery, and fresh energy.
• Summer is the season of passion, where deep bonds are formed but require clarity to avoid burning out.
• Autumn is the time for reflection, adjusting, evolving, and letting go of what no longer serves the relationship.
• Winter is the test of endurance, where moments of emotional distance call for extra warmth and care.

The key? You can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritise your own well-being first. A well-nourished, self-aware person builds stronger, healthier relationships, not from a place of need, but from a place of abundance.

So, why bother with relationships? Because they have the power to transform us. They teach us who we are, challenge us to grow, and remind us that despite life’s struggles, love is always worth the effort.