Anxiety, depression & self-abandonment

Often, people walk into therapy feeling anxious, down, or completely worn out, but they often struggle to pinpoint why. They may see themselves as caring, dependable, and resilient, and others tend to rely on them. From the outside, everything can seem perfectly fine, yet deep down, there’s often a quiet, lingering sense of exhaustion. 

They may connect to feelings such as:

• “I feel guilty when I say no.” 
•  “I don’t know who I am without being needed.” 
•  “I can sense everyone’s mood, and I try to fix it.”

These aren’t personality quirks. They’re coping strategies, often developed early on in response to emotional environments where love, safety, or approval seemed conditional.

This pattern often doesn’t get labelled as co-dependency, a term that can feel jarring or even shameful. However, it frequently lurks in the background of feelings like anxiety and depression.

You might recognise the signs:

• a constant sense of obligation for how other people feel
• the ability to read a room immediately
• discomfort with resting
• feeling guilty when you prioritise yourself

These behaviours can lead to both anxiety and depression, even if they don’t always appear as mental health concerns. People displaying co-dependent tendencies often present themselves as competent and supportive. Yet, they often bear a hidden, chronic pressure to make sure everything (and everyone) is OK.

Since this behaviour is often praised, “You’re so selfless,” “You’re always there for me,” it can take a while to realise just how costly it can be.

What does co-dependency really mean?

Originally, the term co-dependency emerged from addiction recovery discussions, but now it more broadly refers to relational patterns where a person’s identity and needs get tangled up with someone else’s.

In practice, this looks like:

• Feeling responsible for other people's moods, decisions, or problems.
•  Struggling to pinpoint your own feelings, thoughts, or desires.
• Basing your self-worth on being needed, helpful, or self-sacrificing.
• Finding boundaries confusing, guilt-inducing, or even threatening. 

Often, people dealing with these patterns aren’t “needy”, they're over-functioning. They’ve become accustomed to scanning for others' needs and meeting them. But underneath, there’s often a fear: If I stop giving, will I still be loved?

The emotional toll

When you've learned to survive by tuning into others, your own emotional needs can get pushed aside. Over time, this can leave you feeling:

• Anxious: always on edge, waiting for others’ reactions.
• Low: disconnected from joy, unsure of your own identity. 
• Burnt out: due to emotional over-responsibility and the feeling of never being “enough.”

You might find yourself in one-sided relationships or feeling resentful but unable to express it. You could even withdraw completely, unsure how to communicate what’s bothering you.

This can be a lonely experience, especially if you’ve built your identity around being the one who copes.

Why boundaries can feel unsafe (even when we know we need them)

Often, the struggle isn’t about understanding boundaries on an intellectual level; it’s about feeling safe enough to establish them. That’s because the root issue isn’t logical; it’s emotional.

If you grew up in a home where love was conditional on compliance, performance, or emotional caretaking, saying “no” can evoke real fear of abandonment, isolation, loneliness, guilt and shame.

You may have learned that:

• Your role was to be the helper, fixer, or peacekeeper.
• Your own feelings were too much or not allowed. 
• You had to earn love by being good, useful, or invisible. 

Setting boundaries, asking for what you need, or even simply choosing not to help can feel like a betrayal of who you were expected to be. But boundaries aren't about selfishness and rejection. They're about protection and healing.

How therapy can help

One of the most impactful moments in therapy often comes when a client realises: It all makes sense. It’s not my fault. And I don’t have to keep living this way.

Therapy creates a space where:

• You don’t have to perform, fix, or please. 
• Your needs are valid, neither excessive nor shameful. 
• You can start to understand where these patterns began and why they developed. 
• You’re supported in reclaiming your emotional life. 

This doesn’t mean becoming cold or disconnected. It’s about learning how to remain connected to others without losing touch with yourself.

Co-dependency isn’t a diagnosis; it’s a pattern of relationships, often rooted in early emotional experiences. At its core, it’s a survival response: “If I keep everyone else happy and OK, maybe I’ll be OK too.” But over time, this way of living can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout, and a profound sense of disconnection from your true self.

If you find yourself always giving, constantly coping, and frequently anxious, it might be time to gently explore these patterns. You don’t have to stop caring. But you deserve to include yourself in that circle of care.

References

Beattie, M. (1992) Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Bradshaw, J. (2005) Healing the Shame That Binds You. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.

National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) (2022) Depression in adults: recognition and management. Available at: https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg90 (Accessed: 23 August 2025).

Walker, P. (2013) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Scotts Valley, CA: Azure Coyote Publishing.