What is your ‘origin story’?

With Bridget Jones back on our screens, and no plans on a Friday evening, I felt that urge to revisit the original film – I am afraid the following article will contain some spoilers for those of you who have not read or watched the first of the Bridget Jones stories - and I was struck by a particular moment.

Those who know the story will know that when Bridget, first meets Mark Darcy as an adult - she played naked in his paddling pool as a child - she (and we the viewer/reader) find him rude and snobbish. Our first impressions of him seem justified as we learn from the charming and attractive Daniel Cleaver that he was responsible for causing heartbreak and pain by cruelly stealing his fiancé. Mark becomes the villain. Bridget’s desire for Daniel to be good colours her ability to see Mark as anything other than a cold man who is unkind and judgemental.

As Darcy’s character is allowed more of a voice, Bridget begins to be confused. When she listens to him, she hears that he likes her “just the way she is” and gradually he begins to not fit the narrative. How can he be kind and also unkind? We then get the moment of truth, quite literally. Bridget finally understands that it was Daniel who caused the heartache and Darcy who nurses a broken heart. His behaviour all starts to make sense, and he is not so ‘bad’ after all because this is a story and not real life, he is quite the opposite. He is the ‘good guy’.

In counselling I try to support my clients to challenge the idea that some of their behaviours make them ‘bad’. I was once told that good actors never play the ‘bad guys’ as bad. It was explained that ‘baddies’ never see themselves as bad. They don’t think ‘Right, let’s do something evil now’.  It is never that simple. We are not that simple. We respond to the given circumstances with all that we understand about the world, more often than not, we actively adjust to avoid pain. The work is to be done in understanding that pain.

Storytelling almost always involves ‘goodies and baddies’. For as long as we have been telling stories, we have a hero who represents good overcoming evil represented by some sort of villain. Often in storytelling, we get the bad guy’s origin story. We learn about what motivates them. We come to understand that something happened to this person that has caused them to behave in the way that they do. They were bullied at school, they witnessed the death of a parent, they had to make a difficult and life-altering choice, they carried a dark secret, and the list of possibilities is endless. When we understand them, we can empathise, and although they may still be a threat, they become less ‘bad’

The truth is we all have any number of ‘origin stories’ and when we ask ourselves:

• When were we hurt?
• Who hurt us?
• What do we do with that hurt?
• And how do we protect ourselves from that hurt?

We start to understand how our behaviour is shaped by our experiences. We can listen to our inner Mark Darcy’s pain and compassion, and make conscious choices not to be a bad guy. Bringing your ‘bad guy’ to counselling may seem like an overwhelming idea, but you will be met with unconditional positive regard and curiosity, and this will support you to be kinder, whether to others or more importantly, yourself.