Relationship patterns: How couples counselling can help

Couple relationships can be both the most important thing in our lives and, at times, the most challenging.

In many of the lives that we lead, there can be so many pressures on our time, ranging from work, family and friends to, of course, important personal and intimate relationships.

Many of the couples who come for relationship counselling have recognised that they may not have dedicated much time to each other and have been avoiding or ignoring the challenges and difficulties that daily life brings. All relationships can struggle and go through difficult times; what can make a difference is how you manage those conflicts.

Understanding relationship patterns

Relationship counselling can offer a couple time and space to reflect on their patterns of behaviour and to help them understand why they feel and respond the way they do.

At times, experiences from earlier relationships or family life may influence how we relate to our partner today. Relationship counselling can provide an opportunity to explore these alongside what is happening in the relationship now.

In couples counselling, you both have an opportunity to explore a variety of past and present patterns of relating that may have been getting in the way of you enjoying closeness and intimacy with your partner.

Very often, a couple can feel too close and knotted to the difficulties to see them clearly, and couples counselling can offer a type of mirror to help the couple move forward and recognise their patterns of communication.

Staying together or separating

Some relationships may be so entangled and stuck that they may need support in gaining space to consider separation and how to navigate this as safely and constructively as possible.

Other couples may agree that something needs to change in order for them to move forward and build a stronger, more intimate relationship.

Relationship counselling isn't necessarily about keeping a couple together. Whatever decision a couple makes about their relationship and needs, counselling can provide space to explore what is happening and what they would like to change.

Explore, understand and change your patterns

Relationship counselling can help you:

1. Explore your story: Each partner may have a need to communicate their experience and be heard. They will have a safe space to say what the problems are and what impact they feel they are having on the relationship. They can explore the history of how the challenges and difficulties arose and what changes they may wish to see happen in the future.

2. Understand your story: Relationship counselling enables partners to see why they may be struggling with problems and to understand the patterns and things that may be preventing them from overcoming them.

3. Change the patterns: Once your story and patterns can be seen more clearly, you can begin to rewrite them and find the strengths, resources and understanding to begin to change and resolve them.

The most important thing to remember is that you do not have to be alone with your struggles. With committed time and an experienced couples therapist, you can gain support and an opportunity to move forward and make changes.