What is limerence? Understanding obsessive love

Do you frequently and intensely fall in love with other people, mostly people who are not available to you? The object of your desire may not be interested in you romantically, they may be married or in a relationship already, they may have a different sexuality to you, or they may be people who ethically cannot be in a relationship with you, e.g. a medical professional or a lecturer at university.

Most of us have had experiences of unrequited love and the pain it brings with it: we daydream about the object of our desire, we crave their attention, and we hold the hope that one day they will see sense and be as interested in us romantically as we are in them. This is a common experience for most people. Indeed, the early stages of romantic love are akin to experiences of addiction: the same reward centres in the brain are affected when being in love as they are by behavioural addictions such as gambling.

For most people, after a while, the intense feelings for the other person start to fade if the romantic object does not come around. For others, however, the continuous thought about their object of desire does not stop; it may continue for many years, and the frequent intrusive thoughts about the other person start to seriously interfere with their life, leading to difficulties concentrating on much else in life.

The very adverse nature of the unrequited or impossible love keeps these people hooked on the potential of one day being seen and loved by the other person. The harder the work, the longer they try.

What is limerence?

A concept that was developed in the 1970s by the American psychologist Dorothy Tennov sheds some light on these troublesome experiences. Tennov observed that some people had a propensity to fall in love hard; their infatuation tends to be obsessive, intense and involuntarily painful, while others simply did not have these very strong reactions.

Tennov called people with the strong, obsessional experiences ‘limerents’ and the experience itself ‘limerence’. The reception of Tennov’s findings in the field of Psychology was lukewarm at best, and to this day, Limerence is not researched very much.

A more recent examination of Limerence is Dr Tom Bellamy’s excellent ‘Smitten – Romantic obsession, the neuroscience of limerence and how to make love last’ (2025) examines the experience of limerence in more detail, explaining the neurobiological mechanisms that underlie this challenging experience.

Limerence is a form of obsession and an addiction, focused on another person. It is a state of mind that can affect people of all ages, sexualities, genders, ethnicities, abilities and social backgrounds.

Once in the grip of limerence, it becomes the focus of your daily life. When experiencing limerence, you bestow extraordinary qualities on your limerent object (LO): they are simply the most wonderful person on the planet. While there is still a rational part of your mind that knows differently, you cannot let go of fantasising about your limerent object.

The other person does indeed become an ‘object’: they are not really fully rounded human beings (with flaws) but icons that are put on a pedestal. The logic here is circular: given that you have all these strong feelings for another person, the conclusion for you is that they are indeed extraordinary in order to evoke these strong responses in you.

The difference between limerence and love

There is a fine line between having limerent feelings for another person and being in love. Particularly in the early stages of romantic love, we ascribe all sorts of magical qualities to our objects of desire. Our romantic interest becomes a wide projection screen for all of our wishes, hopes and dreams.

After a while, however, the projections fade, and we find ourselves either disappointed as the budding love does not go anywhere or we enter a relationship with another person who does eventually turn from an object into a subject. You start to get to know our partners in their myriad ways of expression: some characteristics you love, others you struggle with. Over time, your relationship develops into a close, intimate bond where there is mutual interest in each other.

With limerence, the object of your desire mostly stays just that: the LO frequently is a cypher rather than experienced as a real person. The relationship usually does not move beyond the projection stage. For a limerent, there is a desperate desire to bond and attach to their LO. This desire for attachment is greater than the capacity to judge whether the other person is actually interested or not.

In fact, limerents thrive on uncertainty. They require a certain amount of hope that the LO might be interested, but are particularly fired on by adversity. The motivation often is that this time, unlike in earlier experiences in life, they will persuade the other person that they are worthy of love.

The other crucial difference between love and limerence is that the latter turns into a psychological fixation, obsession and addiction. Yes, in the early stages of love, you may well daydream about your beloved endlessly, but eventually this experience ends. With limerents, it can run for years with the same person. After a number of years, the limerence fades only to restart again with another LO. 

What does limerence look and feel like?

Limerents spend many hours each day with maladaptive daydreaming about their limerent objects: they imagine scenarios where the LO recognises how extraordinary they really are. Often, the LO becomes a mirror for the limerent who reflects back everything that is wonderful about the limerent. The imagined union with the LO has a spiritual dimension to it; it is the union between two people who are meant to be together.

A checklist of descriptors that indicate that you are in the grip of limerence includes some or all of the following:

• intrusive thoughts where you cannot stop thinking about the LO
• a struggle to concentrate on anything other than the LO
• mixed emotions about the LO – being angry and jealous one minute and feeling a strong longing for the LO the next
• a strong fear of rejection by the LO
• a tendency to interpret any behaviour by the LO as a potential sign that secretly in love too
• elation when the LO shows any signs that could be interpreted as romantic interest
• a tendency to find connections between all objections, experiences and places and the LO
• an inability to consider another person as a potential and more suitable love object
• an idealisation of the LO, even if you also know that the LO is not perfect
• a dependency of your mood on the LO actions and perceived intentions

Limerents suffer intensely. They cognitively know that their obsession with the LO is unhealthy and not good for them, and they do wish for it to end. However, they do not know how to get out of this painful cycle and often lack the hope that it is even possible to lead a life without limerence.

The behavioural psychology behind limerence

Limerence is best described as an addiction to another person. There are similarities, for example, between drug addiction and limerence: the desired feelings of high when in the presence of your LO, the craving and symptoms of withdrawal when you are not.

The behavioural mechanisms of limerence can be compared to those of playing at a slot machine, as described compellingly by Bellamy (2025): part of the addictive nature of slot machines is that they offer intermittent rewards. Rewards that are given to us on a regular, predictable basis habituate, i.e. we get used to them and they lose their initial power. However, rewards that are unpredictable habituate slowly and therefore remain exciting and arousing. The slot machine gambler keeps playing in a cycle of expectation and disappointment, possibly developing superstitions along the way to make sense of the unpredictability; “if I wear my red scarf, I am likely to win”.

Letting go of limerence requires an awareness of unhelpful, automatic behaviour patterns and subsequent behavioural change. For example, if at all possible, it would be helpful to cut the supply line that feeds your limerent behaviours. You would be advised to stop contact with the LO (no in-person meetings, messages, emails or social media checking). This may not always be possible, of course, as you may be working with or living next to your LO. Behavioural change, therefore, also includes a mental defusion from your obsessive thoughts.

Why some people are more prone to limerence

While it is helpful to understand the nature and presentation of limerence as obsessive, addictive behaviour, it is also important to address the underlying root causes in order to break the cycle of continuous, limerent experiences.

Often, but not always, there is a correlation between a limerent person’s attachment style and their experiences of limerence. More often than not, limerents present with an insecure attachment style; caregiving in their early years was inconsistent or absent.

Limerence can often be understood within the context of a client’s earlier experiences in life and their desire to have a reparative experience through the limerent object. Often, the imagined relationship with the limerent object is due to a deeply held desire to finally be seen, loved and cared for. The (unconscious) thinking is ‘this time I found someone who will love me in the way that I crave’.

Paradoxically, the imagined relationship is often safer than a real relationship, where you might run the risk of being disappointed again. Also, if you think of yourself as unlovable, you might feel safer in a fantasised relationship rather than a real one. Understanding limerence within the context of attachment theory helps to understand that limerence is a logical response to a situation that left you wanting; it often is a symptom of adverse experience rather than a cause.

Finding support

Working therapeutically with limerence is therefore twofold: it requires a focus on behavioural modifications as well as a focus on underlying causes that need to be understood cognitively and processed emotionally. Understanding your limerence within the context of unmet needs during childhood can feel like a huge relief. Equally, knowing how to go about making behavioural changes helps to get you on track to freeing yourself from your limerent feelings.

It also helps to work with a therapist who is trained to work with couples and can hold a relational as well as systemic view: i.e. understanding how elements in a system influence each other. Couples training is also helpful when working with an individual, limerent client who is in a relationship and has limerent feelings for another person outside of the relationship. This is often experienced as particularly stressful for limerent clients who are troubled by the moral dilemma of wanting to stay in their (loving) relationship while being in the grip of their obsession for an LO.

An excellent resource for further information on limerence is Dr Tom Bellamy’s Living with Limerence.

References

Bellamy, Tom (2025). Smitten. Romantic obsession, the neuroscience of limerence and how to make love last. London: Watkins Media Publishing.

The Guardian, Dr Tom Bellamy (2025). What happens when love tips over into the infatuated state of ‘limerence’ [accessed 13/11/2025].

Tennov, Dorothy (1979 and 1999). Love and Limerence. The Experience of Being in Love. Lanham: Scarborough House