Understanding trust issues: 5 signs they may stem from trauma
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but when trust issues stem from unresolved trauma, it can make building or maintaining that foundation extremely difficult.
Trauma, whether from past betrayals, childhood abuse, neglect, or emotionally painful experiences, can leave deep psychological wounds. These wounds manifest as fear, suspicion, or an inability to fully trust others — even in a relationship where love and support are present.
This is because the brain learns to be cautious, always on the lookout for danger or betrayal (i.e. hypervigilance). While this self-protection mechanism can be adaptive in harmful situations, it spills over into current relationships, leading to tension, emotional distance, and misunderstandings.
For both the person with trust issues and their partner, this can create ongoing emotional strain, making it hard to cultivate intimacy and closeness. However, recognising that these trust issues are trauma-related is the first step toward healing. In this article, we’ll explore the signs that trust issues may be rooted in unresolved trauma, how they interfere with relationships, and how therapy can help break the cycle of fear and mistrust.
Before proceeding: Please be aware that this article cannot take into account your personal situation and does not cover cases where there is a mixture of past trauma and actual relationship problems with the partner due to their behaviour. This article is a generalisation of what trust issues generally look like - but it shouldn't be taken literally, as we're all unique individuals. If you're having trust issues and you think they're partly due to your past traumas, consult a qualified psychologist.
Five signs trust issues are trauma-related
1. Fear of abandonment
People with trauma-related trust problems frequently live with a persistent fear of abandonment. This fear can make them excessively anxious or dependent on their partner. For instance, if a partner doesn't respond immediately to a text message, the trauma sufferer may assume the worst, thinking that their partner is losing interest or intending to leave them.
This fear often stems from early experiences, such as neglectful parenting, emotional abuse or previous relationships in which the person was left abruptly. The person may repeatedly seek reassurance, asking questions such as “Do you still love me?” or “Do you want to leave me?” This constant need for affirmation can put a strain on the relationship, as the partner may feel overwhelmed by the emotional demands.
Example: Sarah's fear of abandonment was triggered when her boyfriend decided to spend a weekend with his friends. Although he took care to check on her and reassure her of his love, Sarah couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to meet someone else or forget her. This fear drove her to repeatedly text him throughout the weekend, leading to arguments that intensified her anxiety rather than relieving it.
2. Constant, unjustified suspicion
One of the main signs that trust issues are linked to trauma is that the person finds it difficult to trust their partner, even if there is no evidence of wrongdoing. This distrust frequently stems from past experiences of betrayal, where trust has been significantly shattered.
For example, a person who was cheated on in a previous relationship may constantly doubt the loyalty of their current partner, even if the latter has never given them any reason to distrust. They may ask questions like “Where were you?” or “Who were you talking to?”, even if their partner's behaviour has been consistent and reliable. The fear of being hurt again clouds the individual's ability to trust fully.
This constant suspicion can lead to controlling behaviours that can strain or even damage the relationship. For instance, an individual may start to monitor their partner's movements or communications, trying to find reassurance through surveillance rather than open dialogue. They might insist on knowing their partner’s whereabouts at all times, or feel compelled to read their texts or social media messages. While these actions might seem like attempts to feel secure, they can ultimately foster resentment and create a toxic dynamic.
3. Jealousy and insecurity
A person whose trauma has not been addressed may feel threatened by their partner's friendships or interactions with other people, interpreting them as signs that their partner is interested in someone else. Even if their partner has never given them reason to be jealous, the fear of betrayal is omnipresent.
Example: Lisa, who had been abandoned as a child, felt intensely jealous whenever her partner spent time with other women, even if they were simply colleagues or old friends. If her partner mentioned anyone else, Lisa immediately felt insecure, fearing that he would compare her to someone else or be secretly interested in another. This jealousy was often the cause of arguments and emotional distance between them.
4. Avoidance of vulnerability
Trauma survivors often avoid emotional vulnerability as a way to protect themselves from being hurt again. While they may crave connection and intimacy, the fear of getting too close and risking betrayal can cause them to remain emotionally guarded. They may struggle to open up to their partner or avoid deep conversations about their feelings, which can leave the relationship feeling distant or unfulfilling.
Example: Mark had a traumatic experience in his past where his trust was betrayed by a close friend. Now, in his romantic relationships, he finds it difficult to share his true feelings or fears. When his partner asks him about his day or tries to have a meaningful conversation, Mark often changes the subject or becomes evasive. This emotional distance frustrates his partner, who feels shut out and unable to connect with him on a deeper level.
5. Overreaction to conflict
An additional sign of trauma-related trust issues is an intense overreaction to minor conflicts or misunderstandings. When there's unresolved trauma involved, a small disagreement can be perceived as a major threat to the relationship. Individuals may interpret arguments as signs that their partner is drifting away, or that the relationship is falling apart. This overreaction is often linked to past experiences where conflict has led to abandonment, betrayal or emotional damage.
Example: Tom had a difficult upbringing where his parents fought regularly and his father eventually left the family. In his adult life, Tom reacts strongly to any disagreement with his partner. Even a simple argument about household chores can send him into a fear spiral, causing him to panic and assume the relationship is doomed. He may say things like “Are you going to break up with me over this?” or “I knew this would happen”, even if his partner simply wanted to resolve the problem.
Find healing through therapy
By working with a therapist, you can identify and understand the triggers that evoke feelings of distrust, process past traumas with techniques like eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR), and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Therapy also enhances emotional awareness, allowing you to express your feelings more clearly and engage in deeper conversations about trust and vulnerability. Moreover, it fosters self-compassion, helping you recognise that your trust issues do not define you.
If you’re ready to embark on this journey toward healing and rebuild trust in your life, professionals are here to help. Together, we can navigate the complexities of your experiences and work toward a healthier, more trusting relationship with yourself and others. Don’t hesitate to reach out.
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