Tips on navigating income discrepancies in romantic relationships

Income disparity is one of the key causes of relationship stress, and relationship breakdowns, yet it is not talked about as much as other forms of relational stress that strains the relationship. As a society, we are very reticent about talking about money. It remains taboo, and approaching it comes with a lot of shame and guilt reflective of our social class system where money has not always been proportionally accessed- some are born with money, others work hard for it, while others don’t have much of it.

However, money is an inescapable reality in romantic relationships. In situations where partners have big financial differentials, or where the woman earns far more than the man, this can create real challenges that need to be navigated in a delicate manner.  

It’s important that partners can openly discuss these issues of income disparities in a constructive, empathetic, and compassionate way which serves the relationship. Not addressing it can cause a slow death of the relationship as the financial disparities shape the relationship. As a couples therapist,  who has worked with many people who approach therapy to address these issues, l have a deep appreciation of the significance of money in intimate relationships and the strain it often causes. 

Patriarchy and paradigm shift

While l acknowledge that money issues exist in same-sex relationships, I will pay attention to the male/female dynamic as it highlights some of the changing patriarchal views and notions in the world we live in. Our world is fast changing, and women are no longer the stay-at-home child rearers, and home keepers as they did in the traditional days. Women are becoming highly educated, and some are working their way to the top of the ladder, occupying high-status roles in big companies. Others who own businesses are very successful and effectively earn substantially more than men.

This also means that there is a potential for these high-earning women to end up in relationships or marry men who earn much less than them. Without acknowledging this paradigm shift, some women get stuck against the odds, waiting to date men who earn more than them. At times there is a man who earns significantly more than their partner, which also creates issues in terms of spending and making plans. These realities challenge the patriarchal views where men are meant to be the breadwinners and women are looked after, or earn less. If partners who have an income gap come together they have to accept this shift and work together in navigating these disparities. 

High-earning female partner vs low earner male partner

This type of dynamic typically creates an imbalance where partners need to carefully negotiate how they can proportionately spend and spend responsibly too. Without doing so, it’s very easy for the low-earning man to feel emasculated and carry a lot of shame in the relationship, which is detrimental to the relationship. The high-earning woman can also carry a lot of guilt and frustration which again needs to be addressed by way of communicating with their partner.  This relationship can also easily create a parent-child dynamic where the high-earning women feels responsible for the man and must make important decisions which would naturally fall onto the man. This is so especially present if children are involved

The high-earning female partner dynamic can also at times create a power dynamic where respect and honour for the man is erased, which is detrimental. We tend to equate money with power and masculinity with money, which undermines the mutual respect each partner should have for the other. There is more to the relationship to keep it balanced and wholesome, which requires both partner's investment, not just financially. However, it’s also true that money is a currency in the relationship, and it cannot be viewed independently.

High-earning male partner vs low earning female partner

This dynamic typically fits the existing and acceptable societal frame.  However, there are times when the men earn significantly more than the women creating a huge gap. This can also lead to the same feelings of shame in the woman and guilt in the man. While it may be comforting for the woman to have a man who earns more and gives her a good life, it can also lead to feelings of inadequacy, and loss of identity where one feels they are highly dependent on their partner and therefore insufficient without them.

Do we talk about money?

Since money is a very contentious subject, many couples quietly make the detrimental decision not to ever bring it up at the beginning of the relationship or as a relationship starts to become serious. This means that the realities of financial disparities become more real when the couple is already established in the relationship. This delay makes it harder to address these issues and when it gets talked about there is disappointment, disillusionment and a need to reframe their idea of a relationship, or a partner.

This critical moment can also spell the ending of a relationship for some as these disparities cannot be consolidated. Where disparities exist and are not acknowledged, things that should be enjoyed together for example holidays and dinners out can be a source of stress for the low-earning partner. These activities can also become burdensome for the high-earning partner who may feel that they have to carry the other along. 

It is absolutely critical that couples do not shy away from talking about finances and they can create a safe space to discuss it and find a way of making things work for both of them. Proportionate spending is one way of making this work in a fair and equitable way- pay what you can afford. Some couples find it easier to create a framework and model- 80/20 70/30 6-/40 50/50 whichever way works for them. That way each partner is holding themselves to account and contributing to their shared life.

This frame is significant if you have to save money for bigger projects, for example, house buying. Having a written agreement can also be helpful especially when couples are making huge life decisions and are not married. You would agree that it’s unfair to have a 50-50 frame when one partner can’t afford it. It then creates relationship stress and resentment which erodes love and goodwill that should be the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Tips for navigating financial differentials:

• Try not to view money as a taboo. It is real and if you are getting serious as a couple, it’s important that you create safe spaces to discuss your finances
• When discussing finances, it’s important that it’s done in a gentle, non-confrontational, non-interrogative, but compassionate, empathetic and supportive way
• Do not follow other people’s frames or ways of doing things. Our lives are very unique, therefore you must not simply follow other people’s way of doing things. Do what works for you as a couple.
• Have regular reviews of your finances to make sure that you are both still on the same page, otherwise, you end up with one partner who becomes more and more resentful of the other, either because they feel they have to do more in the relationship- or feel that they are being belittled and controlled because they earn less.
• For women, it's important to acknowledge the place we are in society and come to terms with the fact that if you are a high earner, your future partner may earn less than you. Without this level of acceptance, you risk ending up alone and lonely.
• For men, if you are a low earner, it's important that you also come to terms with the fact that you may end up with a woman who earns more than you. It’s not a negative and a sign of your masculinity, it's how you navigate it that matters.