The three ghosts of Christmas grief

Christmas is a notoriously hard time for those who are grieving. I’ve been rereading Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol, and it got me thinking about the grief that can be felt for our past, present and future, particularly around Christmas, when missing someone we love. Below, we explore how themes from the story can help us understand different aspects of grief.

The ghost of Christmas past

The Ghost of Christmas Past takes Scrooge to visit Christmases he knew long ago, when he was very much a different person. Grief changes us, and it’s not uncommon for the bereaved to feel completely different to the person they were before their loved one died.

I’ve lost count of the number of times clients have said to me over the years, “I miss who I was before all of this” The fact is, we don’t ever ‘just’ lose the person; we also lose the version of us that had the joy of them in our lives. 

Happy memories of years gone by can be, in equal measure, bitter and sweet. The memories are important; they’re everything that made that relationship worthwhile, but they’re also everything that we are missing.

Memories are not always good ones; they can be full of regret, as we see from Scrooge witnessing the scene of his Fiancé, Belle, breaking off their engagement and her later happiness with the family she had with someone else. Scrooge is overcome with regret and grief for what might have been, begging the spirit to show him no more.

We are all human, and sometimes the way we acted is not the way we wish we’d acted in hindsight. We can regret things we did or did not do, or say. We can even regret not being present enough, for being too tired, or for being too busy. Unfortunately, we are powerless to change those visions of the past; all we can do now is learn from them and try to forgive our past selves.

Ways to support yourself with the lessons of Christmas past

• Work out who you are now in light of the loss. Jot down all the things that are important to you, big or small. These will give you a good idea of your core beliefs.
• Allow yourself to both smile and cry at the bittersweet memories; they’re beautiful and important, but you also need to express that pain.
• Write a letter to the person you are missing, apologising for the behaviour you might regret. Explain why you acted in that way, and how you feel about it now. 

The ghost of Christmas present

The Ghost of Christmas Present spends his time with Ebeneezer observing various groups of people on Christmas Day, from Scrooge’s poor clerk, Bob Cratchit, to lighthouse keepers and everyone in between, witnessing the mirth and kindness brought about by the day.

I can’t help but feel this image of him watching others enjoying the day with those they care for the most, whilst himself unseen and unable to join in, mirrors how many grieving families feel every year. The whole world feels full of excitement and togetherness, but for them, it feels just out of reach.

Christmas without our loved ones also has us questioning, “If that hadn’t happened, what would we be doing right now?” Our thoughts turn to what we might have had if that person were still with us. “What if” and “If only” are common questions during times like this. We’re left in a present that feels empty without them, always questioning how it would be if they hadn’t died.

Ways to support yourself with the lessons of Christmas present

• Create a ritual that includes your loved one in the day, whether it’s proposing a toast to them, lighting a candle in their memory or laying flowers in a particular spot.
• Have the Christmas that feels right this year, even if that means scaling it back or avoiding the day altogether. Just because you do it differently this year, doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate it as you used to in future years. Many people find it helps to keep plans flexible, as they’re not sure how they’re going to feel on the day.

The ghost of Christmas yet to come 

The final ghost is the most sinister of the three, and one that is true for grief as well. We know what the past and present look like; we might not like looking at them, but they are a known entity. However, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come arrives in a dark cloak, hiding all features; it doesn’t speak or give clear answers. What is more frightening to someone experiencing grief than the unknown future without their loved one?

A common worry that I hear in my counselling room is “Will life always feel this hard now?”, the fear that things will never get better, and a daily battle just to survive is all that’s in store. The same worry applies to Christmas time, with the fear that Christmas, which the bereaved always enjoyed before, will never feel pleasurable again, instead only ever causing acute pain.

Whilst by now Scrooge is well used to the company of ghosts, this spectre’s silence frightens him more than anything he’s experienced so far. Generally speaking, we have an approximate idea of how the future is going to look, or at least how we’d like it to look. When someone important to us dies, that imagined future dies with them, which can feel like a void of silence, much like the third ghost. This can make us feel untethered, not really sure what we’re aiming for, or what the point is anymore. 

Ways to support yourself with the lessons of Christmas yet to come:

• Journaling your fears about the future can help you express them and help them feel smaller. Keeping a journal regularly, during better and harder times, can also help you see on a hard day that it will get better again at some point.
• Think about your life before loss. What aspects of that life do you want to bring into the future? What’s important to you still? Is there anything you’ve always hoped to do or try? Answering these questions can give you an idea of what you might want your future to look like when you’re ready to pursue it.

The final comparison I will make is that after the final visit, Scrooge is left with a choice: Continue down the path he’s currently walking, which he knows leads to disaster, or reinvest himself in life and those around him. It’s frightening to reinvest back into life after heartbreak, but unfortunately, no one is coming to save us. That’s a fact that we can choose to either see as daunting, because it’s all down to us, or empowering, because we don’t have to wait for anyone to save us.

The transformation certainly doesn’t need to be (and can’t be expected to be) as dramatic as Ebeneezer’s full personality switch-up; rather, it begins with hope and a series of small but deliberate actions that one day add up.

Remember, what you are feeling is normal. Grief is one of the hardest things we have to go through, and Christmas amplifies it tenfold. But grief changes as you work through it, and Christmas does not last forever.

If you feel you could benefit from a little help to get started in processing the pain of your loss and working towards that unknown future, please don’t hesitate to reach out for some extra support. There are some wonderful therapists out there who will be able to help.

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.