Stop shrinking yourself: Everyday language of self-respect

Most of us have noticed it. In one group of friends or at work, there tends to be the person whose opinion everyone asks before making a decision. And there is the person whom others simply inform of the outcome.

Both may be kind, clever and hard working, yet they are treated very differently. Often, the difference is not in their value as people, of course, but in how they show up in conversation, how they position themselves: as “below”, “above”, or “alongside” others.

This article explores this through the lens of transactional analysis, and gives very concrete language shifts you can try, so you can relate from a more equal, adult position without losing warmth or kindness.

Three positions in communication: Above, below and alongside

In any moment of communication, we can unconsciously take one of three inner positions in relation to the other person:

Above

This is the “I know better than you” stance.

I decide what is right, what you should think, what you ought to do. I give unsolicited advice, evaluations and interpretations. I act like a teacher, coach or parent, even if no one asked me to.

There are places where this is appropriate, for example, with a personal trainer whose job is to correct your technique. Outside those agreed roles, it usually provokes resistance and a wish to defend one’s autonomy.

Below

This is the “child” position.

I hand over responsibility for my needs and choices to others. I hope they will guess what I want. I adapt, tolerate, and absorb other people’s moods and opinions instead of checking in with my own values and goals.

Deep down, I may feel that their time, feelings and preferences are more important than mine. So my language becomes apologetic, hesitant and dependent.

Alongside

This is the adult-to-adult position.

I see myself as a separate, equal person, and I see you that way, too. We can negotiate, disagree, refuse, change our minds, and still stay in contact.

I refer to my choices instead of hiding behind circumstances, and I can say “yes” and “no” from a grounded place, not from fear or guilt.

A healthy life includes all three at times, yet many people get stuck in the “below” position, especially if they grew up needing to please, adapt or rescue others. The good news is that we can start shifting the balance simply by changing how we speak.

Child-position phrases: How we quietly put ourselves below

The same message can be delivered from very different inner places. Listen to the difference:

The content is similar, but the first sounds like a child asking permission. The second sounds like an adult speaking alongside another adult.

Below are several patterns that tend to put us into the child position.

Requests that apologise for existing

Phrases like:

• “If you are not against it…”
• “If you have time…”
• “If it is not too difficult for you…”

These often carry a hidden message:

“Your time and needs are important; mine are secondary. Please do not make any effort specifically for me.”

From the adult position, the request is the same, but the wording changes to:

• “I would like to hear your feedback.”
• “It is important for me to get your view.”

Here, you are not demanding; you are simply acknowledging that your need exists and has weight.

Refusals that hide behind circumstances

Child-position refusals sound like:

• “I cannot, my boss will not let me.”
• “I would love to, but my friends have already invited me.”
• “Maybe, if it works out somehow.”

Here, the person presents themselves as powerless, pushed around by events, rather than as someone who chooses. That invites others to keep pushing. If external forces can “change your mind”, then another external force can try a bit harder.

In an adult refusal, we lean on our own decision:

• “I am not going to do that.”
• “I am not available this evening.”
• “I do not want to.”

“I do not want to” is often enough. It can feel brutally simple at first, because then any disappointment or irritation lands on you, not on a convenient excuse. Yet precisely this ability to “hold the blow” tends to evoke more respect.

Silent resentment instead of clear boundaries

In the child state, when something hurts or annoys us, we often stay silent. For example:

• a friend is forty minutes late for the fourth time
• a colleague repeatedly mispronounces your name or uses a version you dislike
• a partner makes small digs or “jokes” that sting

From the child position, the inner monologue sounds like: “It is rude, but never mind, it is not that serious, I will just swallow it.”

Others then draw the obvious conclusion: “If they are not saying anything, it must not matter.” Your time, your name and your feelings appear negotiable.

From the adult position, you might say: “I am not comfortable with you being this late. It is important for me that we agree on a time and both keep it. How is that for you?” or “I do not like being called that name. Please use this one.”

It may feel awkward. You may see the other person squirm. Yet this is exactly the emotional weight many of us never learned to tolerate as children, especially if our early environment penalised us for speaking up. Learning to bear that discomfort is part of growing into an equal position.

Rushing to fix other people’s feelings

Another child-pattern is the urgent need to make everyone around us feel better immediately, especially if someone looks sad, annoyed or disappointed.

If you grew up having to “save” a parent or keep the peace at home, your nervous system may read another person’s upset as danger. Then the script sounds like:

• “They are upset, probably because of me.”
• “I must cheer them up, soothe them, or change my behaviour, otherwise I am bad.”

You might start telling jokes, over-explaining, apologising, offering endless support, and smoothing over conflict before it is even named. On the surface, it looks caring, but often it is actually about your safety, not their well-being.

The adult stance is different. It recognises:

• other adults are capable of managing their own feelings
• they can ask for help if they need it
• your job is not to prevent every discomfort in the room

From that position, you are freer to behave according to your values and needs, not just to regulate the atmosphere.

“I do not know, it does not matter” instead of “I am still choosing”

Many of us say things like:

• “I do not know, whatever you want.”
• “It is not important to me.”
• “I do not mind at all, you decide.”

Sometimes this is completely honest. At other times, it hides something more subtle: “I have no internal coordinates; your preference automatically outweighs mine.”

The adult alternative is small but powerful:

• “I have not decided yet.”
• “I am still choosing.”
• “I am checking what I really want right now.”

You can also connect with your underlying need, for example, looking at a menu:

“I want something quite rich and savoury, I just have not picked what yet.”

Here you remain in touch with yourself, even while the specific choice is open.

“It just happened”, instead of owning your part

 When things go wrong, the child stance explains:

• “It just turned out that way.”
• “It is because of them, because of that situation.”
• “It simply happened somehow.”

This language removes the speaker from the picture. They present themselves as a passive reaction to life, not as an agent who made choices that led to the current outcome.

In contrast, the adult position sounds like:

“Yes, that was my mistake. I did X, and it led to Y. I am ready to put it right in this way…”

Similarly, someone who knows they are running late will usually inform you in advance rather than breezing in with a dramatic story about traffic. The behaviour is not “perfect”, yet it carries a sense of responsibility that tends to inspire trust.

Practising adult language: Going from idea to habit

Knowing all this is one thing. Speaking differently in real situations is another. The shift usually feels uncomfortable at first. That is normal. You are stretching emotional muscles that may not have been used much.

Here are some gentle, structured ways to practise:

Start from behaviour, not deep analysis

You do not always have to dig into childhood or limiting beliefs first. You can work “from the outside in”, beginning with language.

Pick one pattern that you recognise in yourself, for example:

• apologetic requests
• avoiding a clear “no”
• staying silent when you are unhappy

Then deliberately replace the old phrase with an adult one a few times. Expect anxiety, guilt or shame to show up, and treat those feelings as a sign thatyou are doing something new, not something wrong. With repetition, many people notice a growing sense of strength and ease.

Build tolerance for emotional weight

Much of the child position is about avoiding emotional weight: other people’s disappointment, our own fear, awkwardness or anger. You can gradually expand your capacity to hold that.

A practical exercise:

Notice a situation where you would normally rush to smooth things over or stay silent. Instead, state your boundary or preference once, simply and kindly. Then, do nothing to fix the atmosphere. Set a timer for five, ten or twenty minutes and let yourself feel whatever comes up in your body.

Afterwards, write a short note about what happened, what you feared and what you actually observed. Our brains are very good at ignoring new evidence that contradicts old fears. Writing it down helps the new experience “stick”.

Keep a small record of new responses

For a few days or weeks, you can keep a brief log in a notebook or on your phone:

• “Today I said ‘I do not want to’ instead of making an excuse.”
• “Today I told a friend I did not like being kept waiting.”
• “Today I said ‘I have not chosen yet’ instead of ‘I do not know’.”

After three to five examples, many people notice something subtle but important: their mind begins to offer more adult phrases spontaneously. At that point, you are not just memorising sentences, you are starting to see yourself as an equal person who is allowed to take up space.

Avoid turning this into a new perfectionistic rule

One last trap is worth naming. After learning about “adult” language, it is easy to become rigid:

“I must always speak like a perfectly confident adult, never say ‘I do not know’, never soften a request, otherwise no one will respect me.”

The irony is that this anxious self-monitoring is itself a child-like position. You start judging yourself through the imagined eyes of “those above” and try to earn their approval with flawless phrases.

The real strength lies in flexibility. You are free to speak gently, playfully, even childishly at times, and you are free to speak clearly and firmly when that fits your values and needs. The aim is not to police every sentence, but to loosen old automatic patterns that keep you feeling small and powerless.

Adult communication is not about sounding tough. It is about being able to say:

• “This is what I want.”
• “This is what I do not want.”
• “This is what I am responsible for, and this is what I am not.”

and to stay in contact with yourself and the other person while you say it. From there, conversations stop being tests you can fail and become shared spaces where two adults meet, negotiate and stay human together.