Rethinking therapy for men

For many men, the idea of therapy can feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or even threatening. Not because they do not struggle, but because, for a long time, they were taught not to.

From an early age, many men receive messages, directly or indirectly, that to be strong means to cope alone. To push through. To stay in control. Emotions like fear, sadness, or vulnerability are often experienced as something to manage privately or suppress entirely.

“Just get on with it.” “Man up.” “Don’t be weak.” These messages do not disappear in adulthood. They shape how many men relate to themselves, to others, and to the idea of asking for help.

The hidden cost of staying silent

On the surface, many men appear to be coping. They are working, providing, functioning. But underneath, something else is often happening. Many men report feeling emotionally disconnected, under constant internal pressure, unsure how to express what they feel, and deeply lonely even in relationships.

For some, this builds quietly over the years. For others, it reaches a crisis point, triggered by relationship breakdown, work stress, loss, or the weight of holding everything in for too long.

In England and Wales, around three-quarters of suicides are male, yet only around one-third of therapy referrals are men. This gap tells a story not of resilience, but of disconnection from support.

“Therapy is not for me”, or is it? Some men might say:

• “I do not want to sit and talk about feelings.”
• “I would not even know where to start.”
• “I should be able to deal with this myself.”

This is more common than people might be aware of. If someone has grown up believing that showing vulnerability is unmasculine, opening up, especially to a woman, can feel exposing or unsafe. But this is often where something important can begin to shift.

The value of being heard differently

For some men, therapy can become a meaningful and healing experience. Some men have never experienced being listened to without judgment, seen in vulnerability without being diminished, or emotionally understood without needing to perform strength.

In therapy, something different becomes possible. A person can speak openly and not be seen as weak. They can express emotion and still feel respected. They can be vulnerable and remain whole. This can be quietly powerful, especially for those who have never experienced it before.

When support is missing, other voices step in

When men do not feel able to access safe, supportive spaces, they often look elsewhere. In recent years, many have turned to online communities and influencers, sometimes referred to as the manosphere. While some offer a sense of belonging, others can reinforce rigid ideas about masculinity, relationships, and emotional suppression.

It is important to recognise that many of the men drawn to these spaces might be struggling, isolated, and searching for guidance. Without accessible and relatable alternatives, these voices can become the only ones they hear.

Making therapy more accessible to men

Part of the challenge is how therapy is perceived. For some, the language around mental health can feel abstract, overly clinical, or simply not designed for them. If therapy feels like something belonging to a different world, more middle-class, more emotionally fluent, it can create another barrier.

It is important that therapy meets people where they are. This can include using clear and relatable language, focusing on practical outcomes as well as emotional understanding, respecting that opening up takes time, and recognising that not everyone will want to talk in the same way. Therapy can be structured, focused, and grounded, while still being deeply effective.

What therapy can look like for men

Therapy does not need to begin with deep emotional disclosure. It can start with what feels most immediate, for example, understanding patterns in relationships, managing anxiety or pressure, or exploring thoughts and feelings at a pace that feels manageable.

Some approaches may include more structured or experiential ways of working, rather than relying only on talking. Over time, something often begins to shift. Not through pressure or expectation, but through the gradual development of safety and trust. As this happens, emotional awareness and expression can emerge more naturally.

A different kind of strength

Seeking support is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that something matters enough to face. For many men, therapy is not about becoming someone different. It is about becoming more fully themselves, without the pressure to hold everything in alone. And that, in itself, is a different kind of strength.