Having difficult conversations in relationships

Do you ever find yourself tiptoeing around a certain family member or work colleague? Have you resorted to texting when you don’t want to face a difficult conversation? When we use digital communication to avoid difficult conversations, it can sometimes contribute to relationship problems.

We’re social beings and connection to our fellow humans is important for our well-being. Our relationships to people - partners, children, mums, dads and friends - can be the source of much joy but also much pain. Having deep and satisfying relationships takes a lot of effort, time and searching. The upside is that on this journey you find out a lot about yourself and those close to you, and as a result your life will be richer and more rewarding.

Communicating when things are difficult

The key to good relationships is honest and open communication. Digital communication can be incredibly useful, but there may also be times when talking directly allows us to understand each other more fully.

We now have many ways to communicate with each other through texts, emails, messaging and social media. For complex or emotionally charged conversations, however, communicating through text can sometimes make it harder to interpret tone, emotion and intention.

Being in someone’s presence adds many more dimensions to your relationship. When there are difficult times, texting or emailing can sometimes be a way of avoiding an uncomfortable conversation and can lead to misinterpretation. We may also say things in emails or texts we'd be less likely to say face-to-face because we can’t immediately see the impact our words are having.

Facing the person and talking honestly and sensitively can be painful, embarrassing or uncomfortable, but this may move the relationship on to a deeper, more satisfying level, with more understanding of each other and of yourself.

When communication becomes passive-aggressive

If you come from a family where objections or dissatisfactions were not voiced openly but came through in passive-aggressive ways, then this new way of communicating may feel scary and unfamiliar to you. It may feel wrong and jarring.

The problem with passive aggression is that we may feel emotions of anger, sadness or annoyance but push them down because they seem impossible to express. The result is that our anger, frustration or whatever emotion we haven’t honestly expressed may come out in unexpected ways.

Something perfectly mild may make you feel unwarranted amounts of anger that’s disproportionate compared to the misdemeanour. This confuses relationships - people won't understand you, and an atmosphere develops. People start walking on eggshells so as not to upset each other. Sound familiar?

How can counselling help?

What if it’s you that’s being passive-aggressive? You might need help to figure out what the underlying problem is and what you’re ultimately scared of if you do communicate honestly.

Therapy can help you identify and change the way you communicate. For some people, passive-aggressive patterns may be connected to earlier experiences of communication within their family. Maybe you had a domineering parent, and this was one way to have some power in the relationship, or maybe that was simply the way your family operated.

Counselling can help clients understand how, at the time, this defensive behaviour may have helped them, and how now they’re older, a more honest and open communication response may make relationships feel easier and less complicated.

Whatever the underlying issues, having those difficult conversations can help create a deeper, more honest and rewarding relationship.

So next time you start tapping out a message on your smartphone to avoid saying something difficult, maybe think again and opt for a good old-fashioned chat over a cup of tea!