Overcoming not 'good enough' beliefs in women

My recent client, Zoe, felt anxious, overwhelmed, and confused. She often found herself in a state of ‘freeze’ with many thoughts tumbling through her mind, but she couldn't act upon any of them. She felt confused by what was happening and the emotional overload that having these episodes brought to her afterwards.

We started to pick apart what was happening for her. I asked her to give me an example of what happens when she enters this state.

“It’s usually when I feel like I have to give a ‘correct’ answer to something or feel like someone has expectations of me. I don’t know what to say or how to act. I instantly feel anxious and afraid. I know that sounds silly. Then I try to talk through something and end up in tears. For example, my partner and I got into a discussion about our future together. He suggested that maybe I look for a well-paid job so that we can plan some big things next year. I felt attacked, and he made me feel stupid and useless. I completely shut down after this and cried.”

“It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.” I say, gently, “I wonder what thoughts you are saying to yourself in these moments.”

“That I sound stupid. That he doesn’t like me or that I’ll never be good enough, no matter what I say or do. I feel incompetent.”

“Sounds like you have the belief that you aren’t good enough. I guess that your confidence takes a hit in these moments.”

Zoe nods miserably, “Yes, and then my self-esteem spirals and no matter what he says or does, I feel like he will leave me and that I will never be good enough for him.”

How the not ‘good enough’ story manifests

As women, we are told that we can ‘have it all’ and so we try our best to follow through on this. We work hard in our jobs and push for promotions as well as raise a family and take care of the home.  Our constant push for perfectionism, success and achievement can result in:

• feelings of burnout
• anxiety
• depression
• social isolation
• impostor syndrome
• feelings of failure
• low self-esteem 
• problems at work and in relationships.

Trying to over-compensate for the sense of ‘not good enough’

For instance, Zoe finds herself trying to be the ‘perfect’ girlfriend for her partner. She cooks, cleans, works, and keeps a ‘fun’ diary to keep their relationship alive. When he suggested she look for a well-paid job, she took this as a criticism that she wasn’t the perfect girlfriend that she hoped. Trying to be perfect is a tall order—what is perfect? It’s an impossible benchmark to reach.

The origins of the not 'good enough' story

The belief that we are not good enough usually comes from our experiences in childhood. When we are born, we develop a sense of self from the world around us – from parents, friends, teachers and peers. 

The things that we experience as we grow shape our beliefs about ourselves. Can you imagine being told that you are a ‘bad child’ constantly by your parents, as Zoe was? The impact that this had was that Zoe tried hard to please those around her and to be the ‘perfect’ child to be loved.

Some of us had parents who couldn't give emotional nurturing because they themselves suffered from addiction or mental illness. As children, we tried to 'fix' them and became parentified children. When this didn't work, we internalized the belief that we aren't 'good enough'.

As we go through childhood into adulthood, those beliefs about ourselves — that we need to be perfect to be loved — will be reinforced or challenged. In adulthood, we can develop low self-esteem from being in abusive relationships or toxic work environments which can contribute towards our feelings that we aren't good enough.

Unlearn the unhelpful beliefs, thoughts and behaviours

Many clients think that changing their beliefs and thinking habits is impossible.  Luckily, our brains are neuroplastic and so we can re-wire those thinking habits. Remembering that beliefs and thoughts are stories we create for ourselves can be helpful reminders that we can change the script.

I reminded Zoe that just because she believes that she is not good enough based on being told a lie when she was small (that she was a bad child) doesn’t make it true. 

It isn’t always easy to change the narratives that we have about ourselves, but we can do it. We start by noticing how these thoughts and beliefs impact our emotions and behaviours.

Zoe would become sad and fearful that her partner would leave her which resulted in her becoming ‘needy’ (her description of herself!) Zoe would then tell herself that he was going to find someone ‘better’, a more independent woman who wouldn’t cling to him like she did. This narrative then perpetuated the cycle.

Once we notice the cycle, we can learn to become compassionate towards ourselves.

Learning to become compassionate towards ourselves

When I asked Zoe what it was like walking around in her world with this story, she began to cry.

“It’s horrible. I feel like I’m trying all the time to please everyone and do everything right, and I’m terrified that I’m just getting it wrong. I beat myself up all the time.”

Showing ourselves compassion at times like this can help us to be more gentle with ourselves and our struggles. This helps us to soften the thoughts that we have about ourselves and begin to break the cycle.

Alongside this, we can challenge our thinking habits. Zoe began to ask herself whether what she was thinking was the absolute truth. Oftentimes her answer was no.

We can notice any 'thinking errors' that we have around our thoughts.  For instance, when Zoe told herself that her partner must think that she was a 'loser' and would leave her, she reminded herself that she could not read his mind and could not know what he was thinking unless she asked him.

Being mindful of how we speak to ourselves can have a positive impact on our self-esteem once we use compassion and care for ourselves. If any of this resonates with you, please reach out to a therapist. This work is possible alone and with the help of a therapist, you can live a happier life.