Navigating motherhood in a neurodiverse family

There is growing awareness about how new mothers often exist in survival mode and how motherhood fundamentally changes you. It’s great to hear talk about self-compassion and how essential it is when you look back and feel grief over what was lost - sleep, identity, peace - because the modern mother has never done more and yet still experiences feelings of guilt.

No one should argue with this, but I wish we also talked about the reality of when neurodivergence within a family is identified too.

Society doesn’t necessarily value discernment and advocacy as newly acquired love languages - that take extra energy and effort - beyond necessary empathy and compassion in parenthood. Nor does it see the effort it takes to unlearn bias, so that instincts can re-emerge and different skills can be fostered when survival mode is part of family life always, not just in the early years.

How might therapy help?

In therapy, a mind/body perspective at the heart of the approach can be helpful, because there is no such thing as “typical”. We are all products of unique brain-wiring and the experiences that we live.

We can appreciate that some feelings won’t always be resolved, because everyday life endeavours in a neurodiverse family will continually evoke anxiety and perpetuate chronic stress at times when you feel at odds with the world you live in.

It can still be helpful for feelings to be expressed and channelled more beneficially by speaking about them in safe spaces though, and here are five reasons for developing self-compassion along the way: 

1. Loneliness

We might rarely be alone, but loneliness is a symptom of being misunderstood. When our peers endeavour to empathise, but struggle to appreciate all the ways that raising a family whose needs aren’t as easily met as most, it can instil a sense of isolation.

We may have to prioritise the mental health of our child/family above social life and so we experience loss. Grief needs to be witnessed and that’s harder when you’re misunderstood.

2. Stress and anxiety

We may have been led to believe that with a diagnosis there is support available, but the truth is that obtaining a diagnosis is hard and getting support is harder.

Some learn that you need to “play a game” when navigating the systems that are in place to help you, which is unjust and reflective of a line of support that is woefully inadequate in terms of funding, resources and empathy.

Wait times alone are upsetting and stress can cause our cortisol levels to rise in a way that impacts our ability to relax, sleep and regulate our emotional state. Chronic stress, exhaustion and/or anxiety might cause mothers to exist in a permanent state or fight or flight.

3. Family dynamics

It is usual for a diagnosis in one child to lead to the identification of neurodivergence in other family members.

As we start to understand family history through a new lens of difference, it’s possible to uncover experiences that were likely more adverse than how they were understood at the time and sometimes significant enough to be considered as childhood trauma.

When we consider our lives with hindsight, we can begin to make sense of historical episodes and how they might be playing out in the present, causing us to re-evaluate our relationships and the boundaries we need to preserve our mental health.

4. Shame

Mothers will likely read books on how to encourage good eating, toileting and sleep habits in their children and how to respond to them when they display “naughtiness”.

We may never read a book that says how lucky we are if our kids’ skills develop on a smooth and upset-free curve and that’s frustrating, because we can experience feelings of shame when our worth is attached to the behaviours of our children.

Our children are their own individual selves and all their behaviour is a form of communication. We might be learning how to read non-verbal cues and respond to them (often in public) at a time that coincides with all the physical, emotional and psychological changes of matrescence.

5. Radical acceptance

Some will decide that we are all OK however we identify and that difference is something that should be embraced through accommodations… but will quickly learn that individualist culture and capitalism take a different stance.

Advocating for accommodations requires boldness, time and energy and sometimes we have lots and sometimes we don’t. In those moments when we don’t we remember that we are OK too and that can feel uncomfortable when there’s so much work to be done.

We also need to radically accept that societal change takes time. 

Phew. It’s a lot…

When we are unmet by those around us - especially when mothering in a neurodiverse family - we need to find ways to meet ourselves. Self-love is an intentional way of being that recognises ourselves as valuable humans, who are worthy of love however we think, feel or act.

Realising there’s no such thing as a 'typical' brain, just an ability to conform comfortably (or not) to how society expects families to be can be a gateway to self-compassion, which leads to self-respect, from which self-love can grow in the motherhood journey.