Managing anxiety

There have been times throughout my life, even recently, where my anxiety has stopped me from living how I want to…

I’ve turned down professional opportunities, said no to days out, avoided people, didn’t take my children to the fun places I’d wished I’d been able to, stayed in when I’ve wanted to go out and I’ve been irritable and sad because of it.

I bet if you’re still reading this, you’re fiercely nodding along because you can recall a time when anxiety held you back from doing something. And you remember the feeling of being stuck in indecision. You’re reminded of the nausea the worry carried, and the genuine fear and anger anxiety can bring along with it.

There have been times I haven’t driven my car when it would have been far easier to because my anxiety told me I couldn’t do it. I’ve agonised over whether or not to get behind the wheel. I’ve stood at my car, telling myself to ‘just’ get in, watching the minutes tick by, willing myself to drive it, knowing that if I don’t, I’m going to be late for the school pick up… and still, in that moment I’ve opted to walk instead, kicking myself for that choice.

Fast forward to today and I frequently drive my car but it isn’t because I no longer feel anxious.

I drive through the anxiety, reminding myself to release the breath I’ve forgotten I’m holding on to, gently telling myself to unclench my jaw, to relax my shoulders, and to stop frowning.

If that feels relatable, you’re probably smiling along with me now. Perhaps relieved that you’re not the only one. Maybe even surprised that a therapist feels the same way?

What did I do to make the changes needed?

I started being kinder to myself every day. I stopped beating myself up every time I felt as though I couldn’t manage something, and I instead began to focus on what I had achieved that day, that week, that month… I focused on everything I was doing, no matter how small it felt, because I realised that small steps make the difference.

I manage my anxiety with kindness, self-compassion and self-acceptance. 

I point out to myself that I got my driver’s license after passing my test because I’m a competent driver.

I remind myself I’m in control of the car, and that anxiety enjoys being in control – I find this one particularly comforting.

I think for many, the goal is to rid themselves of anxiety completely, that’s why for a lot of people counselling is seen as either a quick fix or something that doesn’t work.

When people work with me and ask, “How do I stop being anxious?” I gently let them know that anxiety is their body's way of protecting them.

Think of it as an alarm, we want an alarm to sound when there is a danger, don’t we? Anxiety works similarly. Sometimes, a smoke detector goes off when there isn’t a fire, but smoke is present.

We are glad that it works well, so we usually don’t criticise it for warning us about possible threats. We try to reassure it when there isn’t a threat to calm it down. Still, we feel safe knowing it is there to protect us.

Anxiety is like that.

It is there to protect us, and how we respond to potential worries and manage our anxiety is what makes the difference.

I don’t drive more now because I fixed my anxiety

I drive more now because I manage my anxiety

And I do that by being kinder to myself, by offering myself compassion, reassurance, love and acceptance.

If anything I've written here has resonated with you and you would like some support learning how you can begin to manage your anxiety effectively, by being kinder to yourself, reach out to a professional today.