Limerence vs love: When love is really obsession

Do you often find yourself getting infatuated with people? Do you keep getting intrusive thoughts about this person? Are your feelings often verging on obsessional? If so, you may be experiencing limerence.

Image

Love and limerence are often mistaken for one another, yet they represent distinct emotional experiences.

Limerence describes an intense, obsessive infatuation characterised by intrusive thoughts and a yearning for reciprocation. We all experience the excitement and passion in a new relationship. In fact, in those early stages of a developing relationship, our brain releases chemicals, including oxytocin, that increase our pleasurable feelings. This can feel quite addictive. However, when this continues and becomes obsessional it can take over our lives and be exceedingly unhealthy.

Limerence feels like falling head over heels in love but has an obsessional and unhealthy quality. With this comes a desperate need for the other person’s affect and approval which is rarely acknowledged.

Love, in contrast, involves a deep, enduring emotional connection built on mutual trust, respect, and commitment.

Distinguishing between limerence and love can be crucial for individuals navigating romantic relationships.

Limerence typically emerges in the early stages of attraction, fuelled by hormones and idealisation. It can be all-consuming and lead to emotional highs and lows based on perceived reciprocation.

Genuine love develops over time, fostering emotional intimacy and a sense of security. Unlike limerence, love tends to be more stable and less dependent on constant validation. Understanding these differences can help people evaluate their feelings and make informed decisions about their relationships.


Defining limerence and love

Limerence and love are distinct emotional experiences with unique characteristics and impacts on relationships. While they may share some similarities, understanding their key differences is crucial for recognising healthy and sustainable romantic connections.

Components of limerence

Limerence is characterised by intense infatuation and obsessive thoughts about the object of one's desire. It often involves:

  • intrusive thoughts about the desired person
  • heightened emotional reactions to their presence
  • idealisation of the love interest
  • fear of rejection and emotional dependency

Physical symptoms may include rapid heartbeat, sweating, and a "rush" when thinking about or seeing the person. Limerence can be all-consuming, leading to neglect of other aspects of life.

Characteristics of mature love

Mature love, in contrast, is a deeper and more stable emotional bond. It typically features:

  • mutual respect and trust
  • emotional intimacy and vulnerability
  • commitment to shared goals and values
  • acceptance of each other's flaws and imperfections

This type of love involves a balanced perspective of one's partner, recognising both their strengths and weaknesses. It fosters personal growth and encourages individual autonomy within the relationship.

Mature love is built on open communication, empathy, and a willingness to work through challenges together. Unlike limerence, it tends to deepen over time rather than fade.


The role of attachment styles

Attachment theory plays a crucial role in understanding limerence and love.

Secure attachment often correlates with healthier, more stable romantic relationships. Meanwhile, individuals with anxious attachment styles may be more prone to experiencing limerence.

Avoidant attachment can lead to difficulties in forming deep emotional connections, potentially making limerence more appealing. Research suggests that limerence may serve as a coping mechanism for those with insecure attachment styles.

Studies have shown that early childhood experiences significantly influence adult attachment patterns and romantic behaviours. Therapy focusing on attachment issues can help individuals develop healthier relationship patterns.


Impact on mental well-being

Limerence and love can have markedly different effects on mental health. Limerence often involves intense emotional highs and lows, which can be emotionally draining.

Obsessive thoughts and behaviours associated with limerence may lead to:

  • increased anxiety
  • sleep disturbances
  • difficulty concentrating
  • neglect of other responsibilities

In contrast, mature love tends to promote emotional stability and overall well-being. It can enhance self-esteem, reduce stress, and provide a sense of security.

However, unrequited love or the loss of a loved one can also negatively impact mental health. Coping strategies and support systems are crucial in navigating these challenges.


Sociocultural influences and representation

Cultural norms and media depictions shape how people perceive and experience romantic relationships. These influences can affect whether individuals interpret their feelings as limerence or love.

Media portrayal of romance

Films, books, and television shows often romanticise intense infatuation. Many storylines focus on passionate, all-consuming relationships that mirror limerence rather than mature love. This portrayal can create unrealistic expectations about romance.

Popular culture frequently depicts 'love at first sight' scenarios. These narratives reinforce the idea that instant, overwhelming attraction is the norm. Such depictions may lead people to mistake limerent feelings for true love.

Social media platforms also play a role in shaping perceptions of relationships. Carefully curated posts often present an idealised version of romance. This can lead to comparisons and dissatisfaction with real-life partnerships.

Cultural variation in conceptualising love

Different cultures have distinct ideas about love and relationships. Some societies prioritise passionate love, whilst others value companionate bonds more highly.

In collectivist cultures, family approval and social harmony often take precedence over individual romantic desires. This can influence how people express and experience love.

Western cultures typically emphasise romantic love as a basis for marriage. In contrast, some Eastern cultures traditionally view love as something that develops after marriage.

Religious beliefs also impact conceptualisations of love. Some faiths promote the idea of selfless, unconditional love. Others may emphasise duty and commitment over emotional intensity.

Cultural attitudes towards public displays of affection vary widely. These norms can affect how people express their feelings and interpret others' behaviour.


In my work as a psychotherapist and counsellor, I regularly work with people experiencing limerence. Exploring unresolved emotions and experiences can help people discover how to experience deeper and healthier love in their relationships.

info

The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

Share this article with a friend
Image
Enfield EN1 & London N14
Image
Written by Tom MacKay
MSc, ADHP(NC), Dip EHP(NLP), UKCP
location_on Enfield EN1 & London N14
I am a dedicated therapist working with individuals presenting a diverse range of issues. My approach is integrative to help find the best way of working with the person. I have been working as a psychotherapist for almost 20 years, and as a Seni...
Image

Find the right counsellor or therapist for you

location_on

task_alt All therapists are verified professionals

task_alt All therapists are verified professionals