How to break the hold of unwanted intrusive thoughts

Unwanted intrusive thoughts can, at best, feel a little bit odd or even funny and, at worst, feel all-defining and deeply disturbing. We all get them, but we do not all respond to them in the same way, and it is the response that can become the problem.

What are intrusive thoughts?

So, what is an intrusive thought? Simply put, it is a thought that arrives out of nowhere and is unintentional – it just pops into your mind. For many people, these thoughts are forgotten almost as soon as they occur. They don’t see them as important or even worth sharing. For others, however, they can take hold and gain momentum in a negative and even all-consuming way.

The question I get asked most by clients who are plagued by unwanted intrusive thoughts is, ‘What does this thought mean about me?’ If the thought is destructive – for instance, about pushing someone in front of a train or about running someone over in a car – an anxious response would be to start to wonder what kind of person has such thoughts in the first place. This, in turn, can lead to another intrusive thought or series of thoughts: ‘Am I a good person? Surely a good person wouldn’t have such thoughts.’ It is this internal, spiralling dialogue that is the problem and not the intrusive thought at all.

Seeking reassurance

When unwanted intrusive thoughts have taken hold in this way, it is common for someone to seek reassurance. Sometimes, this will be done externally by asking a loved one, therapist or friend what the thought means about them. However, if the individual is ashamed of their thought, they may seek reassurance internally by going over and over what it might mean and looking for evidence that they are not a bad person for having the thought in the first place.

When I tell clients that reassurance-seeking feeds the anxiety caused by the intrusive thought, it is often a revelation. While it may feel like a relief to be told by someone else that you are okay and that your thoughts do not define you, it creates a dynamic whereby you need someone else to tell you that you are alright. Essentially, you do not trust yourself or your own judgement, which in turn can negatively impact self-esteem. Bids for reassurance then increase, as do intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

Recovering from unwanted intrusive thoughts

So, how can people recover from unwanted intrusive thoughts that have taken hold in this way? For a start, understanding that everyone has such thoughts is immensely helpful. Many clients say that being told that a thought is not a fact takes a lot of the power out of it, too. Understanding that feelings are not facts either is important because so many intrusive thoughts have sensations attached to them. For clients, becoming aware of how they engage, and even become enmeshed in some cases, with intrusive thoughts enables them to gain a level of acceptance and detachment from the anxiety, which can be quite empowering.

When I work with teen clients with very active OCD-type intrusive thoughts, we often agree to have one reassurance from me per therapy session. This brings the client’s focus onto how frequently they are asking what a thought might mean about them. It is not unusual for a young person to say something like, ‘I’m doing that reassurance-seeking thing again,’ which in itself interrupts the negative thought cycle.

Trying to stop or block intrusive thoughts does not work and can make them worse or stick, as it is a form of repression. Although it may seem counterintuitive, allowing the thoughts to just be and not judging them or yourself for having them reduces their power and hold over you. An experienced therapist can work with you to develop such an attitude of acceptance.

Giving intrusive thoughts a name is another powerful way of diminishing them and, in my experience, clients find this particularly effective. I have found that children often use this technique brilliantly. A fear of the dark might become Mr Banana Head, and – as fear meets humour – the thought has less power and can even evaporate. For adults, intrusive thoughts start to become content, junk or just benign when a name is applied. I have known people to use silly names or even cartoon characters to badge their intrusive thoughts. Once they are labelled in this way, they tend to appear from time to time but no longer become internalised. Their hold is broken. They are no longer remarkable or to be feared.