How therapy supports increased openness

In between my work with clients, I'm often found having a quick cuppa and a snack. In an effort to eat healthily, I've been enjoying nuts as something to nibble on. Nutritious, quick to snack on and tasty! My favourite? Pistachios! 

There's something about the tactile experience of opening a pistachio nut and popping it into my mouth that I love. The green, pink and beige colours peek out from the semi-open shell, inviting me inwards.

Yet, there’s always a few nuts left at the bottom of the packet which cause me much frustration. The ones that are underripe, and tightly closed. With a shell that has little scope for any prising open. Usually, temptation overrides my frustration, and I'll give it my best shot to force open the shell with my fingernail, probably with more effort than is wise. Inevitably, I'm left a bit disappointed.

The results of my pushing too hard - and wanting things to be different are a lacklustre, tasteless underripe nut, and a sore fingernail.

My pistachio nut antics got me thinking about the psychological concept of openness. Openness is one of the broad personality characteristics known as the 'big five' personality traits, identified in the last 100 years within research. These are:

• openness to experience
• conscientiousness
• extraversion
• agreeableness
• neuroticism 

Openness, then?

Well, openness has been shown to be good for our well-being. Remaining open to new experiences is a factor that contributes to optimal well-being (Farrier et al., 2019). Yet, when people first come to therapy, they can feel very much like the leftover pistachios at the bottom of the packet. Closed, and tightly shut to trusting others or trusting life.

Openness can feel like a pipe dream. Hurt and pain has led to a closing in - a way to defend against further woundedness, whilst - at the same time - putting a stop to being fully open to new experiences, new relationships and new ways of encountering the world. We might consider such closedness a 'creative adaptation' to life's hurts and losses. Many people come to therapy with an awareness they don't want to carry on feeling so alone, and so isolated. But they aren't quite sure how to go about actioning change. 

For someone who's become closed as a result of hurts and losses, the task of opening up in therapy to share thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears, can be really daunting. Despite the somewhat ruthless way I prise open my mid-morning snack pistachios, it is not in my client's interest to prise or force a person to open up so that they can allow others in. Instead, gentleness, patience, kindness and care are called for. In my experience, patience and consistent gentleness help to create the 'safe enough' conditions that supports a person towards greater openness in themselves and within their relationships. 

This is something that Carl Rogers, founder of person-centred therapy, called 'core conditions'. When a relationship feels 'safe enough', a person is free to grow towards who they really are. They can become more 'themselves'. I think of this as a form of ripening towards their full potential. And, just like the pistachio nut, they can then open up and reveal themselves more to the world, and in doing so, find greater connection and greater ease.

As I work with someone who comes to therapy seeking change, my intention is to stay open myself to understanding what role openness plays for them in life, and how they’ve arrived there. Staying open to hearing what closedness means to them. I want to know and honour their closedness, whilst also - gently, remaining open that they can change. Any forcing of change on my part would be counterproductive. 

My experience of working with clients is that empathic, accepting and non-judgmental listening is a powerful antidote to the need for closedness. Unlike the pistachio nuts left languishing at the bottom of the pack, humans can grow towards greater openness simply by having their closedness acknowledged and honoured. In the gentle ripening process of becoming fully who we are, the is no need for any forcing, pushing, or prising open. Perhaps I’ll go a bit easier on the nuts from now on! 

And, if are considering how psychotherapy can support you to gently ripen towards a greater openness in your own life, please reach out to a professional.

References

• Farrier A, Dooris M, Froggett L. (2019). Five Ways to Wellbeing: holistic narratives of public health programme participants. Global Health Promotion. 26(3):71-79. doi:10.1177/1757975917732352
• Rogers, C. (1957) ‘The Necessary and Sufficient Conditions of Therapeutic Personality Change’, Journal of Consulting Psychology, Vol. 21, pp 95–103