How can therapy help neurodivergent people improve relationships?

As a neurodiversity-affirming therapist, one of the most common themes that comes up in my work is relationship difficulties. Whether you're neurodivergent or neurotypical, you may be wondering 'How can therapy help neurodivergent people improve  relationships?'. My hope is that by the end of this article, you'll have a clearer answer to this question. So, let's begin.

Understanding neurodivergent communication styles

Something that I often explore with clients is how our perspective and the way we see the world, shape our relationships. Even if we're able to consider others' perspectives on some level, we can still fall into the trap of assuming that others see, think or feel things the same way that we do.

So, how does this apply to neurodivergent people and relationships? Well, if you're neurodivergent, you may have specific communication preferences and needs eg. you may prefer direct communication. You may have noticed that this can be misinterpreted, particularly by neurotypicals, in social situations. You may have been misunderstood so often that your confidence in social situations is low because you're so worried about things being taken the wrong way.

This is where therapy, particularly working with a neurodiversity-affirming therapist can be helpful. A neurodiversity-affirming therapist will not attempt to 'fix' or change aspects of yourself to improve your relationships. Instead, they'll support you to recognise what you need in relationships and work with you to find a way to communicate this with others.

This comes back to my earlier point on perspectives. People often see the world with tunnel vision, based on their own experiences and opinions. Therefore, it's really important that we find ways to respectfully communicate our needs to others. People are not mind readers and will often appreciate it when we share what we need. This is because they then know exactly where they stand with us and how to support (if needed).

Finally, in being vulnerable with others, people will often feel more connected to you. If you're being open and communicating your needs, the person you're with will likely feel more confident to do the same. This then continues to deepen your connections.

Building self-awareness and emotional regulation

Even if you already have a good level of self-awareness, therapy will build on this further. This is because your therapist is trained to bring your awareness to your 'blind spots' and support you to explore and understand these. You may be wondering what I mean by 'blind spots'. These could be certain patterns of thoughts, feelings, behaviours or relationships which you may not be aware of. Or, maybe you're aware of them but are not sure how or if you should change them.

Therapy can help you to develop a greater understanding of your natural responses and reactions in relationships, particularly around emotional regulation and sensory sensitivities. For example, if you find that you experience angry outbursts when you're feeling overstimulated, this can have a negative effect on your relationships. In this type of situation, if you feel it would be helpful, your therapist can then work with you to find ways to cope with any intense emotions or thoughts you may experience. This will hopefully help you to feel more balanced and in control.

Navigating social expectations and boundaries

If you're neurodivergent, you may be familiar with feeling isolated due to your differences. This may lead you to mask (adapting your behaviour to fit neurotypical expectations) heavily as a way to 'fit in'. If this is the case, you may find it difficult to set boundaries, worrying that if you do, you might push others away.

Therapy can be a space to explore what boundaries feel safe and to experiment with honouring your needs in relationships. Your therapist can also support you to develop coping skills for situations that may feel overstimulating or overwhelming, which can improve your interactions in social and intimate relationships.

Addressing masking and building authentic relationships

Masking is a common coping strategy. Perhaps it's the only thing which makes you feel safe(r) in certain social situations. However, when you mask in excess, it can do more harm than good. This is because it can easily lead to overstimulation, burn out and overwhelm. It can then negatively impact your relationships because you likely won't have the capacity to manage how you interact with others and may not even feel able to interact at all.

Therapy can help you to unpack these behaviours and understand when and why you mask in certain situations. Your therapist can then support you to explore ways in which you can unmask in safe settings with safe people.

A common benefit that can come with unmasking is authenticity. Many of my neurodivergent clients have hidden or masked their special interests around others because they worry about how they'll be perceived.

Therapy supports authenticity by exploring ways to express your true interests, quirks, and emotions without fear of judgment, which can lead to more genuine connections with other people. It can also help you to find 'your' people i.e. people who you feel comfortable to unmask around. These people will likely share the same interests as you which allows you to feel able to fully express your passion in any particular topic or hobby.

How can therapy help neurodivergent people improve their relationships?

Your relationship with your therapist in itself is an opportunity for you to explore what it's like to bring your authentic unmasked self. You can see how they react to this which can be a helpful way to gauge how others may react. It can take time to develop a sense of trust with your therapist to be able to do this.

However, once you do, you'll likely find that you will begin to feel more confident and comfortable being your authentic self. You may then feel more able to be yourself in other situations too and can explore with your therapist how this felt and how others reacted to this.

Whilst not everyone will find therapy helpful, for many neurodivergent folx, it can be a great way to feel empowered to connect meaningfully with others.