Have you been able to leave home?

An issue that is often present in my therapy room is family enmeshment. That is, where there is limited permission for an individual to separate and individuate from their family of origin, which can become more prevalent when the individual enters a partner relationship. At times, this can result in the uncomfortable experience of conflicted loyalties, and can escalate to the end of the relationship, or estrangement from family. 

Erikson’s stages and developing independence

In the 1960s, development psychologist Erik Erikson proposed that personality develops across our lifespan, outlining eight psychosocial stages, where each stage presents a specific psychological conflict.

According to Erikson’s theory, if a conflict remains unresolved, it can negatively affect our development in future stages and our overall well-being, though there is the possibility of subsequently resolving the issues with appropriate support. Erikson’s two stages that focus most on us forming our identity outside our family of origin are during toddlerhood and adolescence. 

Toddlerhood

During toddlerhood, the conflict is between ‘autonomy versus shame/doubt’. That is, for us to develop a sense of independence without fear or shame, such as losing the love of our parents. This is the context of us having developed the most control of our bodies at this stage through increased motor skills, enabling greater independence from our caregivers to explore the world.

In this stage, if we are supported in our increased independence, we grow in confidence and in our sense of ability to survive in the world. Conversely, if we are not supported in our increased independence, such as through being overly criticised or controlled, we tend to doubt our thinking and abilities and feel ashamed of our natural desires for independence. Erikson states that success in this stage leads to the virtue of will.

Adolescence

During adolescence, Erikson suggests the conflict is between ‘identity versus role confusion’, that is, discovering who we are and what we believe in. When we are given sufficient permission to experiment and offered guidance, we are able to develop a strong sense of our identity.

If we are restricted or engulfed, we are likely to experience role confusion. Erikson states that success in this stage leads to the virtue of fidelity. This involves a capability to hold onto our sense of self in spite of ideological differences with others, including with our family of origin. 

Mahler’s theory on the role of separation and individuation in early development

Similarly, in the 1960s and 1970s, psychoanalyst Margaret Mahler proposed that over the first three years of our life, a psychological birth from our primary caregiver is needed as part of healthy development.

This occurs through a process of separation and individuation, where separation relates to our growing awareness of boundaries between ourselves and our primary caregiver, and individuation refers to the development of a unique self-concept.

Our caregivers’ availability, attunement and responsiveness are crucial throughout this. Disruptions in this process, such as through engulfment, can impact the development of identity formation, autonomy and ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

When family boundaries become blurred

I wonder if you have been able to relate to the issue of family enmeshment? That is, yearning for more separation from your family of origin and yet greatly fearing the consequences for doing so, including conflict and the threat of no longer belonging with your family.

‘Overstepper’ parents (term taken from Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert’s ‘Boundaries’ book) or family enmeshment is relevant to any culture. This said, it seems most prevalent in traditionally collectivistic cultures, such as Asian cultures, where traditionally priority is given to the group's needs over individual needs. 

This can manifest as adult children receiving confusing messages from their parents. For example, to assume adult occupational and relational roles (i.e. being part of partnerships and becoming parents) but maintaining a parent-child* dynamic in the relationship with them, opposed to the promotion of both meeting in their adult parts. The former can involve parents equating respect with obedience and being overly involved.

How boundaries support healthier family relationships

This is where boundaries are essential; to know where we ‘end’ and the external world ‘begins’. If you come from an enmeshed family, it is no easy feat to be able to identify, implement and practice maintaining your boundaries. This is typically because the inner child part of us will believe we are doing something ‘wrong’, potentially even being expressed by our family.

However, boundaries are essential in moving away from co-dependence, towards healthier relationships guided by inter-dependence. That is, a family system premised on each member’s right to a unique self, where different views are accepted and not perceived as dangerous, as well as mutual respect and co-operation.

Boundaries work can help improve your relationships, including with yourself, enabling you to take your space in the world, and provide your family and partner with their rightful place in your family system. This potentially avoids the only option being estrangement from your family.

That said, if your family is abusive to you, I completely support colleagues Jennie Miller and Victoria Baskerville’s view that there is no rule that we must have a relationship with any other person, regardless of their biological or societal place in other lives. In the words of psychologist David Celani, “There are no 'family police' to come and arrest us if we decide to separate”.

If you are able to relate to any of the above, my question to you is, do you have the courage to do the work to untangle yourself and say ‘hello’ to yourself as a healthy adult, and in turn, healthier family dynamics?

If this feels difficult to navigate alone, speaking with a therapist or counsellor can offer a supportive space to explore these patterns and begin building healthier boundaries.

Further resources

*For further information about the first-order structural model of Transactional analysis, refer to my article from January 2021 titled ‘New Year: Let's make decisions, not promises’

David Celani’s 2005 book ‘Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family’. 

Jennie Miller & Victoria Baskerville’s 2020 book ‘Boundaries: How To Draw The Line In Your Head, Heart And Home’ 

McLeod, S. (2008, April 18). Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosexual development. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/erik-erikson.html