Forgotten grief - Sibling loss

A recent conversation with a group member really highlighted to me just how frequently the loss of a sibling is overlooked. For some reason, society generally doesn’t consider sibling loss to be on the same ‘level’ as many other kinds. I wanted to take this opportunity to firstly, let bereaved siblings know that they are seen and that their loss does matter, and secondly highlight the aspects of grief that are unique to sibling loss, both as a child or young person, or in adulthood. Of course, as with everything in grief, it’s incredibly personal and will not all apply to everyone, there is no right or wrong way to feel, these are just observations of trends that I have noticed in my time as a bereavement counsellor.

Challenges facing grieving siblings:

The loss tends to be overlooked

For some reason, when someone’s sibling dies, people obviously think it’s sad and may mention it early on after the death, but it doesn’t tend to be followed up with the same care and support as other types of loss. 

Time and time again I hear tales of people asking them how their parents/the sibling’s spouse/partner are coping with the loss, or being told to take care of others around them as though they aren’t grieving as well. This often invalidates the bereaved sibling’s feelings and suggests that they’re not reacting in a way that is expected of them, often creating hurt, anger and loneliness, as it seems nobody can see their pain.

They lose their constant

Siblings tend to be a constant in a person’s life, they’ve been there throughout the years, for all the good and bad times, and have known every version of them. Often, they’re the only one (s) apart from parents who know their whole life story and all the various stages of life they’ve been through, losing someone who knows us on that deeper level leaves a huge hole in a person’s life.

Their parent’s reaction 

The remaining sibling’s life is commonly affected not only by the loss but also by their parent’s reactions to it. Because the parent’s attention and energy are focused on the sibling that died, and naturally any faults (which we all have!) tend to be overlooked, it can feel like the remaining sibling cannot ‘compete’ with the one that died, as we don’t overlook the faults of the living in the same way.

It’s not uncommon for the remaining sibling to feel like the parents would have preferred it if they’d have been the one to die instead. As irrational as this might seem, it’s a very common and painful thing to feel.

Often the remaining sibling’s successes and happy news can be made about their departed sibling, as parents (well meaningly) wish they were here to see it or wonder whether they would also have achieved/experienced it had they lived longer. 

Another common reaction from grieving parents is to become overprotective of any remaining children, which can be limiting to the surviving siblings. Particularly if they are young or live with the parents, as they may limit or control what the remaining sibling is allowed to do, for (understandable) fear of losing another child. However, the affected sibling may as a result feel they’re missing out on a lot of experiences.

All of the above can lead to complicated feelings of anger and resentment towards the deceased sibling, as well as adding distance between the remaining sibling and their parents, which can in itself trigger guilt and additional hurt.

They stand out

If the person is young when their sibling dies, it’s likely that they’re one of very few amongst their friends or peer group that has experienced a significant loss. This can be very lonely as their friends can’t relate to what they’re going through, and perhaps don’t fully understand what it means for someone they love to die. The young person can feel very self-conscious because they’re suddenly different from everyone else, through no fault of their own, this difference in some instances can also lead to bullying, as it can make other children uncomfortable. 

They can be left to make hard decisions alone 

If the sibling’s death makes them the only living child of ageing parents, it can mean that they’re left to make the difficult decisions regarding later life care alone, rather than being able to share the stress. Depending on the situation and the support around them when the time comes, this can lead to increased levels of guilt and anxiety over choosing the best out of the difficult options in front of them.

Guilt over not liking their sibling 

Sometimes siblings just do not get on, personalities or world views can clash and they still care for each other, but their relationship is either strained or non-existent.  This can cause conflicting and complicated feelings when that sibling dies, there can be guilt that they couldn’t put differences aside and get on. In situations like this, not only the person is lost, but also the chance of reconciliation.

Final word

Sibling loss, like any loss, is hard work, and often bereaved siblings need to speak up a little louder for their loss to be acknowledged. Don’t be afraid to let those around you know what you need at this time, reach out for additional help if you feel you need it, and – perhaps most importantly – be patient with yourself as you take the time you need to grieve this significant loss.