Finding a new purpose after loss

When we lose one of our closest loved ones, it often feels like our reason for being disappears with them.

We can be left floating through life, so consumed by surviving the day-to-day, that we lose sight of anything but the daily muddling through and may question what we’re living for, especially when getting through each day can be so hard in the initial spell after the loss.

Why may we feel we’ve lost our purpose?

We’ve lost the person we want to achieve it with

Often our plans and hopes for the future revolve around the person who has died, so the majority of them are not possible now or do not feel worthwhile without our loved one being here to share it with.

Our day-to-day role has changed

If our time leading up to their death was spent caring for the person or rushing around keeping things organised for them, when they die we can abruptly go from having very little time to fill, to what feels like masses. Days can feel like empty voids with nothing to fill them, and what feels like far too much time to think.

How we see ourselves may change

We base a lot of who we are on those we surround ourselves with, when someone very close to us dies, we tend to re-evaluate where we fit in the world. Do we still say we are married? Are we still a parent if our only child dies? Of course, there’s no right or wrong way to answer these questions, but it can take some time to work out what description fits how we feel the best.

We lose a lot of confidence

When life throws something as huge as bereavement at us, it’s natural we often lose confidence in ourselves and the world around us. When we feel less confident, we’re not as inclined to reach for the hopes and dreams we have.

How do we find new meaning in our lives?

Make new connections

One of the biggest things that provides meaning in many people's lives is the people in it. I don’t mean that after a loss we should rush out and try to replace the relationship that is now missing (our loved one would be impossible to replace anyway), but connecting to people and sharing time can give us things to look forward to.

Try new hobbies or activities

Feeling lost with all the spare time you find yourself with? Trying out a new (or going back to an old) hobby or activity can not only help to fill some of that time, it can also provide us with some respite from our grief by taking our mind off it for a short while, giving us the break we need to carry on wading through those tricky feelings.

Another benefit of trying out a new hobby is that it’s a great way to meet other people, which helps with loneliness as well as going back to my previous point.

Do things for others

So many people reestablish meaning in their lives by choosing to live in a way they know their loved ones would be proud of. Not only is doing something for others a prime example of this but there are also plenty of emotional benefits to acts of kindness that can help to relieve some of the ‘symptoms’ of grief.

Find something to strive for

Is there something you’ve always wanted to try or accomplish, but never had the time, or have been too nervous to? One of the (few) benefits of feeling like you’ve lost everything, is that you may also feel that you’ve very little to lose, which can give you the freedom to try something new and otherwise scary. This isn’t to say all precautions should be thrown to the wind, but rather that the situation you find yourself in can be the little push you’ve needed to overcome the fear.

Finding your way after loss is hard, it’s important to remember that the chances are you did not build your ‘pre-loss life’s purpose’ in a day, week or even month alone. More likely, it came together through many day-to-day actions, interactions and experiences over time.

Be patient, and if it’s too much to enjoy the experience of reinvesting in yourself at the moment, try to approach it with a neutral curiosity instead.