Do you feel lonely as the evenings begin to draw in?

Ever find yourself feeling lonely, even when people surround you? Whether juggling a hectic work schedule, working solo from home, catching up with a few friends, or wishing you had time to see more of them, loneliness can creep into our lives. It doesn't matter if you're outgoing, introverted, single, or in a relationship; loneliness can touch us all. 

That's because loneliness is a profoundly personal, subjective feeling. You might be surrounded by close family, good friends, or pleasant colleagues and still feel disconnected. And while we often think of loneliness as just an emotional burden, research shows it's much more than that – it can be seriously harmful to our health. A 2010 study revealed that loneliness can be as damaging as smoking. Yes, you read that right! Prolonged loneliness puts us at risk for a slew of physical issues, including heart disease, stroke, and high blood pressure. And the mental health risks are just as serious, increasing the likelihood of depression, cognitive decline, and even dementia.

As a counsellor and life coach, I recognise how loneliness can be a self-esteem killer, creating a vicious cycle that can be hard to escape. Psychologically, our confidence and self-esteem take a massive hit.

We start to overthink things, becoming more insular and meditating on what we should or could be doing – often in a negative light. And that kind of thinking tends to go hand in hand with feeling lonely.

So, what's the takeaway? Loneliness isn't just about being physically alone; it's a complex emotion that can have a tangible impact on your mental and physical well-being. The good news is, once you understand the cycle, you can break free and reconnect –whether that means reaching out to a friend, seeking support, or even acknowledging how you feel.

Laura’s story: Overcoming loneliness after the birth of her child

For client Laura, loneliness hit hard after the birth of her son. Along with the joys of becoming a new mother, she faced the complex challenges of post-natal depression and PTSD. She struggled to reach out even though she knew her friends and family were there for her, offering support.

"The overwhelming feeling of being a new mum sent my anxiety levels through the roof. I felt very lonely within my head," Laura recalls. "I had lots of people willing, waiting, and wanting to help me, but when you're in that moment, and you're so riddled with anxiety, it's challenging even to fathom what you want and what you need."

Laura’s experience is a powerful reminder that loneliness doesn't always stem from a lack of people around us; sometimes, it's about feeling isolated within ourselves. The mix of anxiety, depression, and new motherhood made it hard for her to identify her needs, even with support at the ready. 

Her journey is a testament to loneliness's complexity, especially during life's most vulnerable moments. It also highlights the importance of giving ourselves grace and seeking help – even when asking is difficult.

Is social media fueling loneliness?

Insights from the world's largest study.

In an era where social media connects us like never before, it might surprise you to learn that loneliness is more widespread than ever. According to the world's most extensive study on loneliness, conducted by the BBC, about a third of the participants reported feeling lonely often. Even more startling is that young people are feeling the brunt of it. The survey found that 40% of those aged 16-24 frequently experience loneliness, compared to 27% of those over 75.

This may seem counterintuitive; we have more ways to interact with others than any previous generation. Yet, ironically, the more we scroll through our feeds, the more disconnected we seem to feel. 

Social media can make us feel like everyone else is having more fun than we are, that they have stronger friendships, and that they're going away on holiday together. If we don't do the things we see many other people engaging in, it's easy to feel like we are not as connected.

The world has dramatically changed how we communicate. If you look at the way we communicated as kids, you would go and run around with the children on your street after school, or you'd call a friend and maybe spend a ridiculous amount of time on the phone. 

The spontaneity of face-to-face connection and the meaningful one-on-one conversations that were once part of daily life have been largely replaced by quick messages, likes, and endless scrolling. While social media can offer the illusion of connection, it often heightens feelings of isolation, leaving us to compare our lives to carefully curated highlights. 

The data suggests that young people find it increasingly difficult to build deep, meaningful relationships despite being digitally connected. So, while social media offers new ways to keep in touch, it's worth reflecting on how it might also keep us at arm's length from the real connections we crave.

How to support someone who might be feeling lonely

When we see someone who seems lonely, our first instinct is to rush in and offer help. But it's important to recognise that not everyone feels lonely when they spend time alone –particularly introverts, who thrive on solo time to recharge after socialising. So, before assuming someone needs company, it's essential to understand their personal preferences.

People genuinely feeling lonely may become more withdrawn and less engaged with friends or colleagues. We all know what to look out for. It's when people are just not themselves. They may not be contributing in the same way, or they might be withdrawing from social situations. Sometimes, they look tearful or stressed, or they might say things that cause concern.

If you're worried about someone but aren't sure if they need more social interaction, remember that communication and being honest is key. If someone regularly spends time alone and enjoys it, they aren't necessarily lonely. Just because someone prefers their company doesn't mean they're isolated.

It's also important to check-in. Ask them, 'Do you want some company? Would you like to hang out? Are there any times in the week when you'd like to socialise?' And then wait for their response. They might say, 'Actually, Sundays are a bit lonely for me because everyone else is out doing fun things, and I'm on my own.'

The key is to understand their needs. Maybe they feel lonely in the evenings or during lunch on a Monday. By asking the right questions and listening, you can help ensure they feel supported on their terms when they genuinely need it.