Coping with childlessness as a woman in a child-centric society

So much of a woman’s success in life is still measured on how many children she produces, their achievements, that when you can’t join in conversations sharing photos of little Simon’s first words or little Mary’s first swimming badge it can leave you feeling not only left out but also questioning what you have achieved, feeling that your life has no worth as you weren’t able to be a Mum and therefore have nothing worthwhile to share. 

For many women, especially in the UK, childhood very heavily featured in the Disney movies with the standard storyline of girl meets boy, girl and boy fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after. And how often does anyone tell you that it might not happen? Or encourage you to make-believe variations of this scenario?

Girls around the world are wholeheartedly encouraged to aim for this goal, to play at being Mum with their dolls, and as they get older, no one takes time to encourage them to look at how it could play out differently, the different kinds of families that there are. So you enter your prime childbearing years, maybe with that biological clock ticking louder and louder as the years roll on, still focused on and being told that you should be aspiring to the end goal of a nice house, husband, and children = happiness.

And then it all comes crashing down. You discover that you can’t have children because you have a health condition that means your body is not able to have a child. Or it is sometimes because you have met the man of your dreams, except for the fact that it turns out that he isn't able to have children. You might have achieved what you wanted to in some areas of your life, but find yourself middle-aged and single, not having met anyone to share your life with, and you don’t particularly want to go it alone. There are many reasons that stop a woman from becoming a Mum, none of which are really talked about, or even hinted at, when we’re growing up and expecting that when we get older, it will all fall into place.

So, where do you go from here?

While the world keeps turning and people keep asking you when you’re having children or telling you it will be you next, how the hell do you carve out a life that doesn’t enforce feeling like a failure, a let down to your parents or partner, or leave you feeling left out of society? 

First things first, let yourself grieve. Don’t paint on a smile and shove all those feelings into a box, pushing the lid firmly shut and hoping it will go away. It won’t. It will sit there festering until it bursts out, splattering across every single element of your life. So let yourself grieve. Cry, scream, shout, do what you need to do to get your emotions out. Have a day in bed, or several. Watch the films that make you cry.

Remember, there is no time limit on grief. It is different for everyone, and this one might take its sweet time to decide to ease and let you move forward.

Part of your grieving process may also need to involve letting others know that being a parent is not something that is going to happen for you. If you can, encourage their questions to help them understand what it is like for you, and for them to see that comments like ‘Oh, you never know’, ‘It will happen when you’re not thinking about it’ or the well meaning but incredibly cutting ‘Can't you just adopt?’ are not helpful, welcome or going to support you in finding a way through this. You may also discover, through this process, those who are willing to listen and understand and those who you need to protect yourself from. 

Once you feel able to, step by step, you can begin to move forward from this debilitating grief, from what feels like the most unfair hand you have been dealt and start focusing on the positives. This is likely to be incredibly difficult to start with, as you are coming to terms with the fact that life is not going to play out how you have been imagining it will for many years.

Instead, you will be able to do things you did not think would be possible. You will be able to put more focus and energy into things which you would not be able to if you had children. It does not mean, however, that there won’t be moments where you wish you didn’t have the time for these things, and that, actually, you’d really like to know how it feels to run around in the morning getting everyone ready for school.

Once you begin to move away from overwhelming grief and are able to not think solely about not having children every minute of the day, you can begin to think about what sort of life you want to build. It can be useful to sit down and think about this with pen and paper. Write down what you would like to achieve in the next year, five years and 10 years. If you have a partner, do this together. You can also do this with friends or siblings, anyone important to you who is a big part of your life. Write down anything you want to make happen, any goals to achieve, changes you want to make, and new routines to start. It can be literally anything, from getting up late every Sunday and having a lazy brunch, training for a 10k run, to booking that trip that you’ve always wanted to take.

Of course, the grief will not completely vanish. You don’t suddenly wake up one day, jump out of bed with a spring in your step and declare you’re over it and ready to live life to the fullest. There will be moments when it reappears, reminding you of what you don’t, and can't, have. Over time, though, these moments become easier to bear, and there are things you can put in place to reduce those moments. 

If you use social media, avoid too much scrolling at certain times of the year, especially if you follow people with children. First day of term? Your news feed will be full of photos of children in school uniform standing in front of their front door. You don’t need to see it. You’re not missing out by not seeing it. Find it slightly nauseating seeing everyone’s photos of their family holiday abroad each summer? Stop following those people for a month, so you don’t see it.

And what about those people who, it turns out, aren’t quite as understanding as you had hoped they would be? Or the ones who bring their children along to everything, even when you thought you’d planned an adult-only lunch? Now could be the point in your life where they do not play such a big part. That is not to say cut them out completely, but if you find spending time with some more difficult now that your lives are heading in opposite directions, taking a step back and limiting the time spent with them (and their small humans) will do you the world of good. If you are not getting anything from being in their company, why keep putting yourself through it?

Some relationships in our lives will change as our circumstances change, and that’s OK. It is important we spend time with people who value us, as we are, who listen to us, want to know what is going on in our lives and are aware that some things may be difficult. If you see that it is not happening, why continue to put yourself through the wringer to see someone? 

By doing this, you will find that you have time and energy to enjoy being with the people who do leave you feeling valued and fulfilled. It might be that you find connections with others that you hadn’t known so well before. 

It is a crushing blow to be dealt, in a world where the majority have children and especially when it is something you so longed for, assuming that it would be a part of your adult life. But it is something you can find your way through, get to a point of acceptance and make peace with and move forwards from, embracing what you do have.

There will be moments that will always be difficult and that will sting, but over time and with the right support, you can learn to enjoy the things you do have in your life and not feel as though you have failed or let anyone down. 

It is entirely possible to be a happy, successful woman without having children - take, for example, Helen Mirren, Dolly Parton and Frida Kahlo. There are many, many childless or childfree women who are successful and happy, and have been throughout history. And there is also the author of this article, who is also childless not by choice but ‘Mum’ to two crazy cats and a turtle!