Continuing bonds: Theory and bereavement

When a person dies, the expectation is that they cease to be, and we lose our connection and relationship with them - which is why we grieve; this was Sigmund Freud’s idea of painfully severing the attachment to the deceased.

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Continuing bonds radically challenge this notion. Instead, our relationship with the deceased continues and changes even after they have died. They are dead, but they haven’t ceased in us – the relationship continues evolving.

There’s a lot to be said about continuing bonds and the relationship with the deceased:
How can we work to build those bonds in an enduring and healthy way that acknowledges the grief and enables us to live in the world they have left behind?

 Some aspects of continuing bonds include:

  • Processing emotional difficulties that we are left with, or unresolved situations between us and the deceased.
  • Being less overwhelmed by the painful sides of grief, or of traumatic information surrounding the death.
  • Reaching an objective overview of their life which changes over time as we relate differently to them and find out more about them.
  • How they continue to live (in the sense that you still relate to them and connect with them).
  • It is forgiving the person for leaving you.
  • Sorting through belongings, photos, and their life story in a way that characterises their life for you as the individual – recognising others will have a different relationship with the deceased and experience them differently to you.
  • Creating a place to connect with them – a memory box, a shrine, or visiting a place such as the grave or other significant area for you/them.
  • Being able to connect with them as you understand it, which may even have a spiritual dimension to it.
  • Talking about the deceased or sharing memories of them.
  • Meaning making of their life (which is a whole theory in and of itself).
  • Embodying messages from them and recognising how their life and imprint are alive within you.
  • Reviewing your relationship with the deceased and reflecting nostalgically on the journey both before and after they have died.
  • Passing this memory and relationship with them on to the next generation, so keeping a sense of them alive.

As a counsellor, I spend a fair bit of time talking with people about death or the fear of it, and with that, I often reflect on my mortality, or of the people I love most in life - like my wife or my sister - and if they might die.

I don’t know how I’d grieve for them, but I have a plan and it might sound a bit morbid. It’ll be painful, but a beautiful way to connect with them and build continuing bonds, whilst realising their absence and the intensity of feelings associated with that:

After they’re cremated, I’d like to eat thirty kinder eggs. I’d then like to put their ashes inside those orange capsules and take them to thirty places that were significant to them – significant to us. It’d be a way to mourn, to connect with them, and also realise the pain of their absence in those thirty special places

So that was continuing bonds – finding an enduring connection with our loved ones.

This video about bereavement also considers stage or phase-based models like Kubler Ross, Murray Parkes, and Worden; the dual processing model, and then finally, process-driven models like Tonkin, and continuing bonds.

There are a lot of benefits that can come from these theories, and different ones have been helpful to me at times, and stages of my life and grief.


Grieving tips

1. There is no correct way to grieve

Everyone is unique, so however you’re grieving is fine. Models can often fall short, and be biased by cultures, genders, or being neurotypical; so, treat it like pick and mix – take what’s helpful for you.

2. Be gentle on yourself

Death is one of the hardest human experiences you can go through. Try to give yourself compassion - it’s normal to feel the intensity.

3. Allow those strong feelings

It likely feels uncontainable or overwhelming, but letting go and expressing yourself can bring relief.

4. Talk about it – even years later

Share memories with family and close supportive friends or others who knew the deceased.

5. Keep yourself safe

Protect yourself from being retraumatised. Death is the ultimate expression of a loss of control. Do what you need to keep yourself safe. That may mean evaluating your priorities, and choosing who is safe to express yourself around.

6. You’re not going mad

These feelings may feel strange and intense, you may feel numb or dissociative, you might see or talk to the deceased and wonder if you are hallucinating, you keep trying to make deals to bring them back knowing it’s impossible, your sense of self may be going, it might feel like you have to reinvent yourself, and joy may have vanished from joyful things. All of this is common, you are not going mad.

7. Don’t worry, you won’t forget them

Even if you stop crying or being in that dark hole, they’re a part of you, and their significance won’t vanish.

8. It’s okay to be in restoration

Making new friends and relationships, having fun, organising your life, having transitions, or a change of circumstances like moving. Those elements can often feel disrespectful to the deceased, but they aren’t – living your life is a part of grieving.

9. What you’re going through is massive

The biggest existential crisis is around death and endings, and you are mourning a loss. Acknowledge that, you’re not weak or defective for being so knocked by it.

10. Connect with your loved one

Just because they are dead, doesn’t mean your relationship has stopped. They’re alive in and through you, you will keep processing and relating to them over time. It’s okay to find time to connect with them.

11. Know when to get support

For emotional or even practical support. That may be with friends or family It may also be with organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Care. They have a wealth of resources as well as providing short-term bereavement support, support groups, meetings for people bereaved by suicide, and social groups for others who have also been bereaved.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX4
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Written by Simon Hughes
Person Centred Counsellor MBACP (reg) Dip. Counselling
location_on Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX4
Simon is a Person-Centred Counsellor working remotely or face to face in Central Oxford. He offers a relational approach to counselling at your pace and respecting your unique way of processing and communicating within the world. You can read more ab...
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