‘Coming home to yourself’ - how to survive family scapegoating

The following article describes what family narcissism, gaslighting, and scapegoating are, their impact on adult children and outlines what you can do if you identify with this to recover and free yourself.

Below are some characteristics that scapegoat survivors often experience:

• Chronic self-doubt.
• Imposter syndrome.
• Believing there is something wrong with you.     
• Poor self-image.  
• Catastrophic or pessimistic thinking. 
• Feeling unloved and unwanted. 
• Guilt and shame. 
• Procrastination and difficulty completing projects. 
• Social anxiety. 
• Identifying with the outsider.

The family scapegoat is someone who has either left the family circle or been cast out and, as a result, is on the receiving end of the family’s projections in the form of blaming, denying, shaming and excluding. As the scapegoat, you likely don’t know where you stand anymore. You may feel isolated and confused. You are not alone.

Role vs identity

Firstly, it is important to establish that being a scapegoat is a role rather than an identity. A role is something you act out, whilst an identity represents an important part of who you are or would like to be. As a family scapegoat, you over-identify with the role, which is a false set of ideas that have been projected onto you. It acts as a spell, which, if left unknown, can be very destructive. The first step towards recovery is knowing that you are playing a role, which has nothing to do with who you are.

These projections come in the form of unconscious material that the family rejects and casts onto the one who isn’t there, the one who left us, the one who disagrees with us or the one who is different from us. As a result, your individuality, your feelings and experiences are repeatedly excluded and denied. The cruelty and unkindness of being cast out in this way is both traumatising and heartbreaking. However, it is these very wounded feelings that can help guide you towards discerning between these false structures and the truth. Once identified, these internalised untruths can be challenged, dismantled and transformed.

What is family narcissism?

Family narcissism refers to one or two dominant or influential people within the family system who have narcissistic traits or undiagnosed personality disorders. They may exhibit this as a result of growing up and experiencing either a lack of good attachments or over attachments from a parent resulting in either an inflation of self-image or an impoverished self-image. They often find it difficult to see things from other people’s point of view, get highly defensive when challenged and firmly need to control the family rules and attitudes. Any members who step outside of these laws can become the target for scapegoating. The wider family may side with the narcissist for fear of becoming the next target. Relatives who you thought were allies may turn their backs on you, and mobbing, ganging up, and bullying from the wider group can occur.

What is a scapegoat?

The word 'scapegoat' originates from the bible, where the Israelites off-loaded their sins onto a chosen goat, which was then banished into the wilderness.

All families have scapegoats to some extent - the one who is always late, the quiet one, the one who is bad with money, the competitive one, etc. At this level, it is relatively harmless and usually maintained through gossip. However, when the family is steered by narcissism, the scapegoat role intensifies.

Have you felt excluded, disregarded or mistreated in your family, but when you’ve attempted to address this directly, your experiences have been shut down or denied? Instead of resolving the issue, you get - 

• “You’ve got it all wrong” 
• “It’s all in your head”
• “I’m sorry you feel like that, but...” or 
• “It takes two to tango”.

As a result, you doubt yourself and your feelings. This is the process of exclusion and the nature of gaslighting, which is designed to push everything back to you, want from them and create a fog of confusion. For the narcissist, it is too dangerous to fully empathise or take responsibility for your feelings as this threatens to diminish their fragile sense of importance. To possess a stable sense of self means trusting that I can survive other’s differences or challenges, I can face conflict, and I’m able to separate my opinion from yours. A narcissist struggles to do this.

So why do the people you love the most treat you in such a cruel and unkind way? This question lies at the heart of every scapegoat’s pain and heartache. The thing to keep in mind is that your family’s behaviour is unconscious and a way for them to deflect from buried vulnerabilities and insecurities.

The question ‘why?’ unfortunately only perpetuates the pain because a clear answer can never be found. This is because the dynamic serves to maintain a certain power position that regulates the dysfunction and keeps unwanted material outside. Therefore, the answer for you is to really see the pain of scapegoating as it is and then find ways and methods to make your way back home to yourself. Remember that the role of the scapegoat has nothing to do with your true nature. Focus on freeing yourself rather than reassurance.

What is the impact?

One of the most challenging aspects of this abuse is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy where you find yourself acting out the projections by saying and doing things that confirm the family’s narrative of you. When this happens, you wonder why. It doesn’t feel like you, but you feel powerless to not do it. You’ve fallen into the trap. Self-awareness and kindness combined with appreciating the old dysfunctional conditioning with 'no wonder this happens, of course it's like this.'

Another major difficulty is often how your family are on their best behaviour around others, particularly if the narcissism is covert. They are preoccupied with how others see them, so your partners may get the royal treatment and wonder what you’ve been complaining about, leaving you with yet more doubt and isolation.

Some fundamental characteristics of the adult scapegoat have already been listed at the start of this article, but if we were to distill these into just one word, it would be - Lack. From a deep sense of lack comes all sorts of narratives and feelings around never having enough, not being good enough and not feeling able to love. There is a background fear of impending catastrophe, failure and struggles to trust that leads to paranoia. This is because there has indeed been something lacking. A lack of embodied and unconditional connection. This kind of love has not been modelled for you as it wasn’t accurately modelled for your family members.

How to survive

Facing up to the pain and disappointment of being scapegoated, the experience of false love and how this has affected you is a big step towards freedom. Because your family members are lost in their false attachments, they are limited in their abilities to love you. The challenge for you is to stop seeking the love, which you naturally and rightfully long for, where it is limited. Keep turning towards where true love is available - within yourself and the life you are creating for yourself. This is your healing and your protection. You don’t need to estrange yourself, but instead, remove yourself from harm, establish better boundaries and cherish yourself more.

But how exactly do you do this? Do you even believe it’s possible? 

You want to get rid of your doubts and fears, but try as you might, you find they remain. This is normal. It is because your inner child is inconsolable. Your inner child is built into your nervous system and is determined that love must surely be available within the family fold. As such it is a long process of convincing this wounded part that requires your patience and compassion. Keep turning towards building better trust in your adult relationships and yourself and a practice of appreciating the life you are creating.

You have survived one of the most insidious and destructive forms of abuse, it's time to take charge of your life and your well-being and let the family be as they are. Do nothing to change them. They will continue to draw you in, and you may lose yourself from time to time, but now that you see things as they are, you are already on the return journey home.

Things to consider for recovery:

• The role has nothing to do with who you are. 
• Understand that your family’s behaviour is unconscious. 
• Don’t seek approval from them for the life you are creating.
• It’s up to you to free yourself. 
• Their behaviour comes from deep insecurity. 
• Don’t challenge them or fight them. 
• Protect yourself through boundaries and self-care.
• Know that real love is available for you.
• It’s OK for you to love them from a distance.
• The pain of this is your strength in disguise.