Attachment styles and how we respond to relationship challenges

Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument, suddenly overwhelmed by panic, defensiveness, or the urge to shut down? Or maybe you’ve noticed a pattern of over-explaining yourself, withdrawing emotionally, or feeling guilty when setting boundaries. These reactions often feel automatic – like they come from deep within us. 

That’s because they do.

Our responses to challenges in relationships are rarely just about the present moment. Instead, they are shaped by our attachment style, the way we learned to relate to love and connection in early life. These patterns – whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganised – often operate beneath our awareness, influencing our emotions, decision-making, and even our body’s stress responses.

But attachment theory is only part of the picture. Our relational struggles can also intersect with narcissistic traits, co-dependency, and psychological states like fear, paranoia, and guilt. This article explores:

1. How attachment styles shape our responses to relational stress.
2. How these patterns connect with narcissism, co-dependency, and trauma responses.
3. How therapy can help break unhealthy cycles and develop more secure, balanced ways of relating.

We'll be exploring these dynamics through made-up case studies that mirror very common dynamics.

Attachment styles and relational challenges

Attachment theory explains how our earliest relationships – typically with caregivers – shape our expectations of love, safety, and connection. These patterns influence how we react to stress, conflict, and emotional intimacy in adult relationships.

1. The anxious attachment response: Fear and guilt

Case study:

Emma, 32, is in a new relationship. Whenever her partner takes a little longer than usual to reply to her texts, she feels a wave of panic – "Did I do something wrong? Are they pulling away?" She finds herself over-explaining, apologising unnecessarily, and feeling anxious until she gets reassurance.

What's happening?

People with anxious attachment often experience relationships as fragile and uncertain. Deep down, they may believe, “I have to work hard to be loved,” or “If I upset someone, they might leave.” When conflict or distance arises, their nervous system goes into overdrive—causing feelings of panic, guilt, and hyper-vigilance.

How this links to co-dependency:

To avoid abandonment, anxiously attached individuals often:

• Overextend themselves, suppressing their needs to keep others happy.
• Struggle to set boundaries, fearing it will push people away.
• Take responsibility for their partner’s emotions, believing that their worth depends on keeping the relationship intact.

Tools that help:

• Self-soothing techniques (like deep breathing and grounding exercises) to manage anxiety.
• Exploring core beliefs about self-worth and love in therapy.
• Developing boundaries to create more balanced, secure relationships.

2. The avoidant attachment response: Emotional distance and control

Case study:

Jake, 40, loves his partner but feels suffocated when they express strong emotions. If his partner gets upset, he withdraws, shuts down, or dismisses their concerns. Inside, he feels a mix of fear and frustration, but he rarely shows it.

What's happening?

People with avoidant attachment often believe, “If I get too close, I’ll lose myself,” or “Needing others is a weakness.” They associate emotional intimacy with pressure, overwhelm, or even danger – often because they were raised in environments where emotions were discouraged or dismissed.

How this links to narcissistic defences:

Avoidantly attached individuals may develop narcissistic traits as a defence mechanism – not full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), but a way to protect themselves from emotional vulnerability. This can look like:

• Downplaying others’ feelings or struggling to offer emotional support.
• Becoming defensive or distant when someone expresses a need for closeness.
• Prioritising self-sufficiency, seeing emotions as a burden rather than a connection point.

Approaches that help:

• Gradually increasing emotional tolerance in a safe therapeutic space.
• Challenging beliefs that emotions are "too much" or that closeness equals a loss of control.
• Practising emotional attunement to build healthier, more connected relationships.

3. The disorganised attachment response: The push-pull dynamic

Case study:

Sophie, 28, wants deep intimacy but finds herself pushing her partner away whenever they get too close. One moment, she’s craving connection; the next, she’s feeling trapped, paranoid, or overwhelmed.

What's happening?

Disorganised attachment develops when early caregivers were both a source of love and fear – creating deep confusion around relationships. People with this style experience both an intense desire for closeness and an intense fear of it, leading to:

• Rapid mood shifts in relationships (hot-and-cold behaviour).
• Paranoia and trust issues, fearing betrayal or rejection even without evidence.
• Emotional overwhelm, struggling to regulate feelings of panic, shame, or guilt.

How this links to trauma:

Many with disorganised attachment have experienced early relational trauma – abandonment, neglect, or unpredictability in caregiving. Their nervous system swings between hyper-arousal (panic, fear) and shutdown (emotional numbness, withdrawal).

Therapeutic approaches that help:

• Trauma-focused therapy to process past wounds.
• Body-based approaches (like breathwork and somatic therapy) to regulate emotional highs and lows.
• Developing trust and relational safety in therapy, creating a new template for healthy connection.

Breaking the cycle: How therapy can help

The good news is that attachment patterns are not fixed. With therapeutic support, you can:

• Break free from co-dependent cycles and excessive guilt.
• Challenge avoidant tendencies and fear of vulnerability.
• Stabilise emotional reactivity and relational anxiety.
• Develop a secure, confident, and healthy approach to love and connection.

Therapeutic tools for healing attachment-based challenges:

Mindfulness and nervous system regulation

• Helps reduce panic, paranoia, and fear-based responses.
• Allows for more thoughtful reactions rather than automatic emotional defences.

Exploring and challenging core beliefs

• Identifying and reshaping limiting beliefs about love, worthiness, and emotional needs.

Developing secure attachment in therapy

• A therapist provides a secure relational space to practice healthy connection.
• Over time, this can rewire the nervous system to experience relationships as safe rather than threatening.

Boundary work and emotional regulation

• Learning to balance autonomy with intimacy.
• Developing the ability to self-soothe without resorting to co-dependency or emotional avoidance.

A new way of relating

Your attachment style may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t have to define your future. With the right insight, self-awareness, and therapeutic support, you can move from fear and reactivity to security and confidence in your relationships.

Healing attachment wounds takes time, but it is absolutely possible. With therapy, self-reflection, and conscious effort, you can move towards a healthier, more secure, and deeply fulfilling way of relating.