Just over four years ago in February 2008 things started changing for me, and in a very short space of time it became unbearable. I was only 13 when it all started; my Mum and Dad became angry all the time, and would constantly shout at me for no reason at all. My younger brother and sister shouted at me too. I would always get blamed for everything that went on, whether I had been there or not. My brother and sister would always pick at me, get to be as rude to me as they liked, just like the bullies at school used to do to me. The thing was, they never got told off for it; I guess in some ways it could be said that they were bullying me too. Mum and Dad never saw what was going on, but always told me off for being the bully, and that I should know better because I was older when I never did anything to them! There were constant arguments between everyone; I always got extremely stressed, which at one point made me fairly ill, but once again no-one ever noticed. Over time it got worse and worse. All of this left me feeling like I wasn't loved by anyone, I wasn't wanted by anyone, and that I was totally hated. I also felt very alone, and I didn't feel as though I could talk to anyone. What made it worse was when my mum started to hit me; she always left a red mark on me, but never left a bruise so that I could show others what she was doing to me. This is where my issues with trust started, although at the time I managed to find a teacher at school who I knew I could talk to at anytime, but she soon left the school. So again I was alone. This happened with another teacher, and by this time I was a total mess. I finally managed to get myself some counselling right at the end of 2008, but because it was outside of school, my mum had to take me, which I didn't like at all. It lasted for 6 months, and soon after it finished I was back to how I was before it started. I managed to pluck up the courage to speak to another teacher, and in 2010 I got some more counselling, but this time it was in school. Again soon after this stopped I was back to how I was. I just felt as though no-one could sort me out. One thing that made my trust issues worse than they were was the fact that several of the teachers broke my trust. This was the worst thing that they could have done to me, especially knowing what I was going through. After that, I never spoke to them again, nor did I look at them when I saw them at school. So I was just left sitting in the dark, so to speak. After that I didn't truly trust anyone, except a counsellor. After the second round of counselling, it got so bad that I ended up self harming, I deliberately overdosed to try to make myself ill, to get some attention from my parents, but I never fell ill. The self harming, was my way of trying to take my pain away. I just felt like I was a mistake, never meant to be born, like a total outcast in this world. Sometimes I got so stressed I would start to uncontrollably shake, making it hard to walk, or do things that most people take for granted, such as being able to hold a pen. There were a couple of occasions at home when, if there was an argument, I would stop what I was doing, no matter what it was, and start saying "Shut Up". I would get louder and louder until I was shouting it, and my face was completely wet with tears, and only on those couple of occasions, would my mum take any notice. I resorted to speaking to ChildLine, also in 2010, they helped a lot, but I had to stop contact with them when my laptop broke, and by the time it was fixed I couldn't get into my account. So I had nothing. In November 2010, I once again managed to get myself some more counselling, which again was in school, so no-one knew. By which time I had again self harmed, and had started to form an eating disorder; but because it didn't get very far, I managed to pull myself out of it (although I did go back a couple of times). When the last round of counselling started I was probably at one of my worst points. Every time before I got the help, I had always let myself get to the point where I felt totally worthless; I never seemed to learn from my mistakes. With this particular counsellor, I probably made the most progress I had ever made with any counsellor I had had before her. I could say that she in some ways saved my life, because without her I don't know where I would be, or if I would even be alive. I don't even want to think about it anymore - not that I really have to. All I can really think about is what I'm going to do at college next year, and how thankful I am that I got the help from her. My last counsellor was absolutely brilliant with me; she practically turned my life around, and since finishing my counselling on Wednesday 11th May I have felt a million times better than I ever have before. It sort of feels a bit strange, but that's only because I've never really had this level of happiness before, and it's all thanks to her. So I really don't know what I would have done without her to be honest. I’m just glad that I can be happy now, and know how to deal with things when it starts to get heated, and not get stressed about it anymore. Counselling is the best thing that ever happened to me, and has helped me to get my life back on track; talking does help. It's nice to know that your counsellor isn't going to tell anyone what you've said to them, you know you can trust your counsellor. You know that they are going to listen to you; unlike other people, you know that they care, and that the focus is always on you and about helping you to get through what ever it is. It doesn't matter how big, how small, or how silly you think your problem is; your counsellor is always going to be there to listen to you. Another thing I found is that a counsellor is never going to judge you, no matter what the situation is. I've always kept it to myself that I've had counselling, but it's nothing to be ashamed of; hundreds of thousands of people have it every year. To loads of people it can be the best thing that ever happened to them, like it was for me. If it so happens that you don't click with a counsellor, don't automatically give up; try to find another one, and the chances are that you will click with them. I would recommend counselling to anyone. Don't have negative views about it; have an open mind, and give it a go. I just couldn't be more thankful to my last counsellor for helping me to completely turn my life around. I'm happier than ever before.
Eating disorders, Self-harm