Nikita Kageler

I support adults who have a parent they never got to know, whether your parent was lost through death, abandonment, or estrangement.

Because there is no single word for this type of grief, people may not easily recognise what this grief looks like. It does not show up in an obvious way - instead, it lives in different parts of your life.

• In your relationships
  Maybe you struggle with a fear of being left, of getting too close, of trusting someone only to have them disappear. It can show up in your relationships with your partner, your friends, even your own family – an uncertain voice asking “Will they leave me too?” or “Am I too much, or not enough to be loved?”  You find yourself holding back, keeping people at a distance, or perhaps holding on tightly but wondering why closeness feels so heavy.
  
  This is not a flaw in who you are. It is a response to a loss that shaped you before you even had the words for it.

• As a parent or thinking about becoming one
  You may also carry a fear around becoming a parent or find yourself already in that role, wondering if you are enough. Having never experienced a relationship with a mother or father, the questions can feel overwhelming – “Will I be able to provide what I never had?” or “What if I repeat a pattern I don’t even fully understand?”
  
  These are not signs that you will fail. They are signs of how deeply you care.

• The search for your identity
  “I feel half of me is missing”, “Who am I?”, “Who could I have been?”, “What have I inherited?” These are questions that can follow you through life and get louder at different life stages. It can feel like part of you exists only as an outline – the shape is there but the details are missing. These questions do not mean that you are incomplete.
  
  They show that you have been searching for something you were never given the chance  to find.

• Milestones and life events
  Milestones, family occasions, and birthdays can bring an unexpected wave of heartache – a yearning for not only what was lost, but for what was never there to begin with. Who would your parent have been at your graduation, your wedding, the birth of your child? The what ifs have a way of surfacing exactly when life asks you to celebrate. The ache is real. You are mourning what could have been in a world that has no defined rituals to help you process the grief.
  
  You may find yourself asking “How can I grieve someone I never knew?”. That question is not a sign that your grief is wrong. It is a sign of what needs healing.

The Grief Is Real
“You cannot miss what you never had.”, “You should be grateful for the parent you did have.”, or “I know exactly how you feel - I lost my parent last year.” These are some things that can make you question if your grief is real and make you feel lonely and unseen.

But here is the truth: you do not need a memory to feel a loss.

You are not grieving one loss but two – the person themselves, and the possibility of ever knowing them. You also grieve the part of yourself that remains unknown without them.

This is not a loss that you need to justify. It needs space to finally be heard and processed – and this is what I am here for.

Owning Your Story
This work is about more than understanding your grief. It is about 

• Knowing who you are – finding your story, building your self-trust and self-worth from within.
• Feeling connected and safe in your relationships.
• Being curious and compassionate as you discover your role as a parent.
• Acknowledging the milestones and celebrations, without reopening the loss.

You move through life aligned with the story you have built for yourself, knowing that you are enough.

Working With Me
Many people arrive not knowing how to begin, simply because no one has ever given them the language for their loss. Finding the words to name your grief is our first step toward understanding — and it is within that understanding that healing starts. 

The heart of our work is the relationship we build. I believe that it is within a space of genuine trust and safety that real exploration becomes possible. This is a space where you can finally be seen - and you can put down what you have been carrying and hiding for so long. 

I do not bring fixed prescriptions to our work. Instead, I meet you where you are in each moment. As a BACP registered integrative therapist I draw on different ways of understanding the mind and heart to help you make sense of your world.

Finding the right therapist for this work is important. If this has resonated with you, I would welcome an email from you. I offer a free 15 minute call, where you can share what brings you to therapy and for us both to get a sense of whether we are the right fit.

I offer therapy via telephone or video (online) at £50.00 per session. In my experience video and telephone therapy offer flexibility and access for individuals who may be suffering from physical illnesses, disabilities, or other limitations. Being able to access therapy from your own home can also relieve stresses such as taking to account journey times, parking, allocating extra time, and feeling anxious of being in an unknown environment. Working within your own home allows you to feel comfortable and safe, putting you at ease allowing for more in-depth communication.