Why choose a counsellor when you have friends?

As a prospective client, you might well be thinking "Why do I need a counsellor? I have my friends - they do the same thing." Do they, though? As a counsellor, a lot of things appear to overlap with being a friend but far more things do not overlap. Perhaps it might be helpful to compare some similarities and some differences.

5 differences between a counsellor and a friend

1. Availability and reliability

"My friends are always there for me." Are they always there for you, though?

Can you remember a time when they cancelled at the last minute or when they did not pick up the phone? Can you remember how you felt then? Wanting to pour your heart out and there being nobody who would listen. A good counsellor will always be there - same time, same place and willing to listen!

2. Unfiltered honesty

"I can tell my friend anything." Really? Can you tell them you fancy their partner or that their children are annoying and brats, for example?

You can tell this to your counsellor. You can tell the counsellor and be safe in the knowledge they will still be there next session. You can be assured that what you have just said will go no further.

3. Objective support

"I no longer love my partner and am only staying with them for the sake of the children." Would you be comfortable telling that to someone in your group of friends? You are welcome to tell this to your counsellor.

Will your friends withdraw or take sides? A counsellor will not do either. They might well help you explore why you feel the way you do about your partner and what you can do about it. They will do this in a safe, confidential, non-judgemental way.

4. Addressing deeper issues

Do you feel anxious and worried all the time? A good counsellor should be able to accept what you say and to hold the space in order for you to express and explore the feelings and why you are feeling them. Would you prefer the not-uncommon response of "Pull yourself together, it will pass”? Or perhaps the “Don't be silly, you have so much going for you” type response? Are they helpful and constructive? Well-intentioned maybe but are they useful?

"I am depressed, I feel that nobody likes me or will ever like me."

A good counsellor can help you explore why you feel that way. Perhaps it might be to do with your upbringing or poor self-worth, a counsellor can help you recognise why you feel as you do. A counsellor can listen and thus enable you to see the positives. Or they can help you accept the way you feel and thus allow you to explore how to change those feelings.

"I feel so unworthy, my partner must be looking elsewhere because I am not good enough for them."

Not uncommon but not necessarily true. When we are depressed, we tend to focus on the negative aspects and memories. While what we feel and think may contain some truth, a counsellor can give you the space to acknowledge and challenge these feelings, feelings of being unworthy are painful but not always permanent.

"I am scared about my mental health, my GP has prescribed me antidepressants and now I worry that I am mad, bad and faulty." How would a friend deal with this?

First things first - you felt unwell and did something about it. Well done, Now you are speaking this to a counsellor - even better. You are looking for causes and solutions. A counsellor can work with this. They should not play into your fears nor deny them. You can find that being accepted and heard is really powerful. Would your friends be so accepting and helpful?

5. Dealing with stigma and addiction

There are many different things we can become addicted to (e.g. food, drink, shopping, drugs, sex, gambling) but the underlying problem is usually the same. When we see that addiction is a way of managing our feelings, a way of soothing ourselves - for whatever reasons - we stand a really good chance of beating those addictions.

Do you feel it would be well received telling a friend you are addicted to porn or gambling? Is it possible that the friend would hold you in the same regard after you had disclosed, that they did previously?

A counsellor has the skills to explore the addiction and how it impacts you. They offer no judgement or criticism - instead, they accept, thus not adding pressure to a set of circumstances that you could be feeling shame, guilt, loss of control over and desperation about.

The value of professional support

I hope I have been able to contrast some differences between a counsellor and a friend. It may be that you are reading this because you have been asking yourself what the difference is between a counsellor and a friend. If so, I hope you have been able to find some clarity.

A counsellor has trained and acquired skills and practices that it would be surprising to find in a friend. They have experience with people who are experiencing difficulties with life. Indeed, it is not unusual for counsellors to have experienced difficulties of their own.

I am not decrying friends and friendship - far from it. A very wise and well-respected man called Abraham Maslow wrote about a hierarchy of needs. Close to the top of that hierarchy was the need for esteem from our peers (friends and colleagues). It is, therefore, a prerequisite that experiencing the satisfaction of being esteemed is necessary for us to experience different/higher levels of experience.

The experiences of being a whole person who is capable of peak moments of existence. These can be as varied as we are as individuals but they are what we strive for. It may be that the peak experience is achieved by washing the car or feeding the family, perhaps it is more lofty i.e getting the qualification, promotion or bonus but they matter whatever they might manifest as.

For this counsellor, the reward is when a client says they have been able to move on, they no longer need us and feel as if they have grown. Is that the same with friends? I think not.