While you're waiting for change, choose to work on yourself

Ever feel you are trudging through thick mud with each step you take and very soon you feel you are at a standstill - or worse, slowly sinking deeper into the mud? 

When we feel we are in this place, a sense of inertia and stagnation can be overwhelming.  My clients often describe this as an endless loop of frustration and hopelessness coupled with anxiety and stress. 

This state of stuckness is often experienced when we feel immobilised by life's challenges and uncertainties. This seemingly endless waiting can certainly test our patience.

'How come I feel so lost?' asked M, a 40-something married man. 'Up until now I've just gone through life with ease but now I'm finding each day increasingly hard to cope with.  I'm beat' he sighed, shoulders slumped.

I felt for M. He seemed to be experiencing an immobilising yet common experience which included symptoms of anxiety and panic. Many of us face such an experience at some stage in our lives. For M, it was a new and frightening one. 

M's marriage had run into the buffers. He felt abandoned, taken for granted and at a complete loss as to what he could do about his crumbling relationship. Like many who come to my practice, he wanted to be 'fixed' or 'sorted'.  As I listened to him I could see the fear and worry etched on his face as he described a sense of his world being turned upside down and feeling powerless to do anything about it. 

That feeling of stuckness can manifest itself in various aspects of our lives. For M, it was his marriage. As our work progressed, it was clear to me he felt trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours, unable to find a way to make any progress. Trapped. Stuck.

M was new to therapy. 'What is this therapy all about?' he asked. I sensed impatience.  'It's not working! I'm not the one who should be here!' Despite his protestations, he continued with his sessions.  Each time I explained to him therapy was not about 'fixing' or providing the answers. It's part of his journey and, as his therapist, my job was to provide guidance and support while he found his way.  I sensed M regarded this explanation as rather vague and pointless. Yet, we carried on meeting and he continued to do his 'therapy work' despite (or perhaps because of) his stuckness.  

Over time, M discovered despite his best efforts of cajoling, influencing and even pressurising, he could not get his wife to do what he wanted and that included coming for therapy. Yet he persisted with this approach. M wasn't listening to her 'no'. He felt responsible for her (as he did for his family and always had had from what I could deduce) and in doing so, was probably making her more resistant, angry and frustrated with his persistence. I believe M was genuinely concerned about his wife's mental health -  but it probably didn't feel that way to her.

M continued to feel frustrated and it took a few more sessions before he realised 'making' his partner do what he thought best was no longer working - if it ever did. He discovered the more he pressurised her, the more distant she became.  Far from encouraging a closer relationship with his wife, his behaviour was doing the opposite. It was a tough but important lesson for M. He could neither 'fix' nor be responsible for her (or anyone else). He needed to respect her wishes which, in this case, was to give her more space. 

I encouraged him to 'step back' and find another way to move forward.

Although M felt stuck, sitting down for an hour's therapy each week provided him with an opportunity to reflect and by doing so develop self-awareness. He had a busy life and finding time for therapy was clearly challenging for him, but gradually he saw it as his safe space. He came to recognise a year - maybe more - of worry, panic, paranoia, and loss of self-confidence was taking its toll. Working long hours provided some respite for his ruminations and going to the gym offered a healthy outlet. For M that wasn't enough. He needed additional intervention, one where he could focus and face himself, and reflect on his own story and what has brought him to this point.

A naturally funny and upbeat individual, he understood it was safe to come to therapy and show his sadness, disappointment and any other emotion which emerged in our sessions. Yet day-to-day life continued to prove mentally exhausting as stuckness cast a shadow over his life, potentially robbing him of his vitality.

What could I offer this client who was in the depths of despair and still sceptical about therapy? 

Well, I encouraged him to see therapy as something he was doing for himself, a time to be himself, to put his phone to one side and listen to his voice and what he was saying. I explained therapy offered him an opportunity to grow and develop while he felt he was in this stuck state. He was waiting for change but impatient for it, he said. I suggested we focus on what he could change, what choices he had and how he could manage his anxious and panicky feelings.

M continued to attend his sessions despite the rocky start. Some weeks in I asked him what kept bringing him back to a place which he had initially found disconcerting, uncomfortable even. 

'Confidentiality and trust', he replied 'and a place of tranquillity'. Yes - a safe and supportive space where we explored his emotions, thoughts and experiences  - something he couldn't recall having done before. Through compassionate listening, insightful reflections and various techniques I was able to help M to navigate the depths of his stuckness and discover a way to personal growth and healing. In turn, he was able to unravel his layers of stuckness and by uncovering those hidden parts of himself, he revealed resilience and wisdom.   

I pointed out that his great qualities - caring, supportive, and kindness - seemed to have become submerged in the mud where he felt stuck. He had been so busy taking care of everyone else he had neglected his resources. He learnt that he could find his own identity and still create his sense of empowerment and transformation whilst feeling stuck. 

Each session he would bring a new revelation: he recognised material possessions did not compensate for emotional loss, he observed how his parents interacted and what this told him about his relationships; and how he was not responsible for his partner's childhood trauma.

As it turned out, M was good at deflecting and avoiding: however, in therapy, the spotlight was on him. He could have left our sessions.  He could have buried his emotions.  However, he chose to work through his issues, to face himself. By working together, he could emerge from therapy as more attuned to his internal landscape. And that's a significant shift. 

Therapy is about change and M was changing. He was navigating unchartered waters and by taking himself off for a few days to reflect (as he did) and find some peace he made himself less available for others and took more time for himself demonstrating that change was afoot. 

Therapy can help out if you feel stuck. It can feel daunting at first and can be hard work - getting unstuck takes effort as we work our way out of the place which has held us down, sometimes for many years. We all hit periods in our lives when we feel powerless to change what is happening. In these times, we can get to know ourselves better, learn a few lessons along the way and put in place some useful coping strategies for when life starts moving again. 

As it will.