What's your partner really saying to you?
You’ve heard the phrase "actions speak louder than words", but how many of us actually listen to that advice? People often take other's words as gospel. We start off with faith and trust, but sometimes we are left disappointed and frustrated at the differences between their words and actions.
It's true that many partners complain of a lack of clear communication. But here’s the thing, your partner is communicating with you, and it’s obvious to see if you take notice.
Examples of communication between partners
- "I want us to be close", but displays distance.
- "I really want to see you", but doesn't arrange anything when you contact them.
- "I want you", but rolls to the corner of the bed and avoids intimacy.
- "I’ll be in touch", but doesn't contact you.
- "I’d never shout at you", but a week later screams in your face.
- "I’m not a jealous person", but you catch them looking through your phone.
- "I don't really show my feelings", but holds your hand and kisses you in public.
- "I’m not that into you", but calls and messages you every five seconds.
- "I really want marriage and children", but doesn't progress the relationship.
I’m sure some of the above examples make complete sense to you. Words are used by the bucket load. However, actions are much more trustworthy. So what next? How should you confront these issues?
Three ways to address communication issues in your relationship
1. Start paying attention to your partner's actions
Choosing to ignore them means that you're essentially walking around wearing a blindfold. No matter how much someone protests, it’s their actions that should be taken as truth. Actions and words are two different languages. Take your blindfold off and become aware of your partner's reality.
2. Observe your own words and actions and ask yourself if they match
Be honest with yourself here. This can be painful, as it’s much easier to focus on other's behaviour than to look at your own, but it's ultimately very rewarding.
3. Show don't tell
Awareness of both yours and your partner's behaviour gives you the choice to make actual decisions, rather than relentless talking, denying, or ignoring what's going on.
It's incredibly important for couples to grasp the importance of what they actually see vs what they hear from one another. A huge emphasis is put on talking, but intuitively we can all tell if something feels right or not. Trying to make sense of words can cause us huge headaches and confusion. We’re all experts at watching people whilst sitting down outside a cafe enjoying a latte; we simply need to start using that skill within our intimate relationships.
If you would like some help understanding the issues spoken about within this article, counselling can help you develop your awareness and make life-changing decisions to get the best out of your relationships.
Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.
About Adam Day
Adam Day is trained in various approaches as an integrative therapist; these include humanistic (person centred/existential), cognitive behavioural, transpersonal and psychodynamic. He is available for therapy throughout the week from 10am to 8pm.… Read more
Located in Romford and London.
Can also offer telephone / online appointments.
To book an appointment, please get in contact: