What makes it tough to maintain a relationship with a narcissist?

To the outside world, you may live the perfect life, but behind closed doors, it can be a very different picture.  

Interpersonal abuse tends to be linked with physical violence, but emotional warfare, while difficult to spot, can be more psychologically damaging. And yet despite your best efforts nothing seems to work to maintain those harmonious wonderful times you can experience with the narcissist. The push and pull of these toxic relationships can be so confusing, frustrating and even dangerous.

Narcissistic abuse in interpersonal relationships tends to follow a typical cycle of idealisation, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering and this in itself is a form of emotional abuse. Understanding this cycle is crucial, as it reveals the narcissist’s manipulative behaviour, and helps you to recognise that it was never your fault that things didn't work out, and the relationship was never based on mutual respect or genuine love.

Narcissistic abuse cycles

Idealisation

In the love bombing phase, the narcissist idealises you, showering you with praise, attention, and affection. A manipulative strategy designed to seduce you and distract you from noticing the red flags can make you feel so special, valued and deeply connected.  

Devaluation

Once the narcissist feels secure, no matter what you do, they will devalue you. Criticism, subtle digs, blame, and emotional manipulation start to rear their ugly heads. The narcissist pulls you down, undermining your self-esteem and crushing your self-worth.  Feeling understandably insecure in the relationship you become dependent on their approval.

Discarding

Finally, the narcissist may discard you when you are no longer of use to them as a good source of narcissist supply. This can happen when you call them out on their disrespect, their abusive behaviours, assert your boundaries, or quite simply (and most commonly) when they have found a new source of narcissistic supply, which they always will. It’s not unusual for this phase to come without any warning even after seemingly happy times together, leaving you bewildered, confused and devastated.  

An alternative strategy that may play out is the reverse discard, where the narcissist's behaviour is so truly unbearable you feel compelled to reject them – but in reality that was their game plan all along.  It's an easy way and serves them well for their victim pity party.

Hoovering

Should the victim try to leave or at least distance themselves, or the narcissist fears losing control over them, the narcissist will try to suck their victims back in. And so the cycle restarts again from the love bombing stage.  

These cycles can perpetuate indefinitely in some cases. The narcissist often circles like a bird of prey. The cycle only stops when you decide it finally has to end, and you reclaim yourself and ultimately your life.  

But for many, this liberation can be extremely difficult. Even once you have successfully freed yourself, overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse is never easy. Support from a therapist experienced in working with narcissistic abuse can support you no matter what stage of this perilous journey you may be struggling with.