The silent struggles men face during fatherhood

As women, we often talk about the transition of matrescence - the identity shift that happens when we become mothers. But something that’s not talked about enough is the journey men go through during this time.

While we experience the physical, emotional, and mental changes of motherhood, men are navigating their own transitions, often in silence. They are adjusting to new roles, expectations, and pressures, yet they don’t always have the space to talk about it. Why is that?

The changing role of men

For many men, becoming a father is not just about supporting a partner through birth or bonding with a baby. It’s a huge shift in their identity too. The idea of fatherhood today looks very different from what it did for previous generations. The men we’re raising families with are expected to be more hands-on, emotionally available, and equal partners in parenting and household responsibilities. And while this shift is positive, it also comes with its own set of losses.

Many men lose a sense of certainty about who they are and what their role is supposed to be. Traditionally, they were raised to be providers, the ones who worked hard outside the home while their partner took care of the kids. Now, they are expected to balance being a provider with being deeply involved in parenting, a role for which they may not feel fully prepared. This blurring of roles can create confusion about their identity and worth.

Additionally, men often lose freedom. While they might not experience the same physical and hormonal changes as mothers, they still face lifestyle changes, like the sudden restriction of their personal time. The spontaneity and freedom they had to pursue hobbies, social engagements, or career goals without feeling guilty often disappear. Much like mothers, they may grieve the loss of independence, but they rarely voice it.

Men also lose the sense of stability they once had in their relationship. Parenthood shifts the dynamic between partners. The romantic, carefree days are replaced by a new focus on shared responsibilities, sleepless nights, and child-centred conversations. For many men, this can feel like a loss of connection or intimacy with their partner, which, if not addressed, may lead to feelings of isolation or resentment.

The messiness of equality

As much as we want equality in our relationships, the truth is that it’s still a bit messy. We’re figuring out what equality actually means in the home. For many women, even in the most equal partnerships, there’s an invisible load we carry - planning, organising and worrying about everything from the grocery list to the emotional well-being of our kids. While men are more involved than ever, they often don’t realise this mental load even exists, because it wasn’t something they witnessed growing up.

This can create tension. Men might think they’re doing enough - changing nappies, doing school runs - but their partner is silently frustrated that they’re still the one managing the entire mental checklist. But here's the thing that makes it even harder: most men don’t talk about it. They don’t have the same networks of support that we, as women, often have. There’s no WhatsApp group with friends comparing parenting notes. There’s no post-natal mum's group or space to voice the internal struggle.

The support gap

This brings us to one of the biggest reasons men find it so hard to talk about their struggles in fatherhood - they don’t have the support networks we do. Women, historically, have had spaces where we could share our experiences, even if those spaces were limited. Now, more than ever, we have communities of mums, therapists, and coaches who get what we’re going through. Men, on the other hand, are still finding their way with this.

We’ve been socialised to talk about our feelings, even if we didn’t grow up in a household that modelled it. Men, on the other hand, often haven’t. For so long, they’ve been told to "man up," to not show weakness. So, when they’re struggling with the transitions of fatherhood - feeling overwhelmed, unsure, or even lost - they don’t always have the language to express it. And when they do have the words, they may not know where or who to share them with.

Improving communication in relationships

So, what can we do about this? How do we create space for men to talk about their own version of matrescence?

Acknowledge their experience

First, it’s about recognising that men are also going through something big when they become fathers. Just as we need time and space to adjust, so do they. By opening up the conversation and validating their feelings - which I know can be really hard when we’re already exhausted and often very resentful - but if we can create a space where they feel safe to share, it can be a great opportunity to reconnect.

1. Encourage vulnerability

It's OK to not have all the answers, and it's OK to admit when things feel overwhelming. We need to give men the permission to be vulnerable, whether that's within the relationship or with friends. It can start with something as simple as, "How are you really feeling?"

2. Support networks

Men need their own spaces where they can talk about fatherhood without feeling judged. Whether that's through therapy, fatherhood groups, or even just more open conversations with their friends, creating those networks of support is essential. The more we normalize men talking about their struggles, the easier it will be for them to open up.

3. Improving communication at home

One of the most important things we can do as partners is improve communication. Often, both parents are feeling overwhelmed but neither are saying it. By being open about our own challenges, we can invite our partners to do the same. This means having regular check-ins about how you're feeling, what's working, and what isn't. It's about giving each other the space to say, "I'm struggling," without fear of judgment or blame.

A shared journey

At the end of the day, matrescence is not just a woman's journey-it's a family's journey. Both parents are experiencing huge changes, and both need space to process that. By talking about the struggles men face during this time and opening up the conversation, we can create more balanced, supportive relationships where both partners feel heard and understood. And that's how we build stronger families, together.