The Other Woman

Sabotaging our relationships or picking unavailable partners is something many people do. We say we want to be loved and that we are ready for affection but when it comes to having this we shy away.

We can do this by causing arguments over trivial things or perhaps becoming distant.  We may even find ourselves in situations where we are the other woman/man hoping that the object of our affection will see our value, leave their partner and be with us and are often disappointed. 

Having worked with a number of women and men who have been in the role of the other, they often fall into two categories:

1. I'm happy having fun and don't want anything serious
2. I want to be loved but I don't know how so I'll take affection where I can.

For those who fall into the latter category it can be tremendously hurtful when the affair ends. As much as other people may tell you "it wasn't a real relationship", it was for you. When working with people who constantly find themselves lower on the pecking order of their amours affection the first thing to work on is to support you to build your self esteem once more. To look at what pattern you may be recreating where you don't come first.

Then we think of ways you can challenge that critical inner voice that tells you that you are not enough. You are enough. In fact you're more than enough for the right person. This, of course, is easy for me to say but to ensure you believe it takes time, patience, understanding and acceptance.

Picking unavailable partners when you actually want love and commitment is another way of you telling yourself that you're not good enough. Once you believe you are as worthy as anyone else then your choices change.

If you want to meet someone who is right for you we have to start with evaluating how you see yourself. Who's voice can you hear ringing in your ears telling you that you're unlovable? How can we tell that voice to get lost? Finally what do we want to tell ourselves instead.

It's important not to judge people who are on the outskirts of an relationship. We all want love and it doesn't always come neatly packaged but if what you love is hurting you then we might have to tweak that!

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Written by Marilyn McKenzie BSc, PGDip, MBACP, Couple’s Counsellor

I am Marilyn McKenzie and I am a qualified Psychotherapist who has worked with Couples, Addiction, DV, Young Offending, Grief and Bereavement as well as Anxiety and Depression.

I am Integrative in my approach but often work Systemically. I have a private practise and work with Relate.… Read more

Written by Marilyn McKenzie BSc, PGDip, MBACP, Couple’s Counsellor

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