The anxiety of grief over a lost loved one

Experiencing grief isn't just about your anxiety or emotional regulation; it's a shift in perspective, too, in a journey we may have never planned for. When facing events like the loss of a loved one, individuals often reassess their beliefs about life and their place in it. If the world seems chaotic and uncertain, how does that affect our sense of control over our lives and those we care about? 

Losing someone dear to you can profoundly alter your outlook on life and force you to confront truths that you once chose to overlook. Your unique experience profoundly influences your ability to interpret the situation and navigate through life's challenges in coping with grief. This journey is yours and yours alone, often manifesting as emotional waves that ebb and flow daily. 

Some individuals, when faced with their circumstances and anxiety-provoking moments, may think to themselves, 'It's frustrating to feel like I lack control', 'It's unsettling to feel like I might lose control', or 'This outcome is likely because I didn't put in the effort in to maintain control'. In these moments, consciously taking charge can be empowering, a step towards managing the future.  

When someone experiences helplessness and vulnerability for the first time, it can be a daunting experience. The thought of 'I won't allow this to happen again' can lead to a conscious effort to manage emotions and surroundings, ensuring the well-being of loved ones. However, the challenge lies in that certain things are beyond our control. It's a complex task to constantly try to avoid all negative situations in the future, adding to the complexity of the grieving process. Learning to process those feelings you currently might feel stuck with is much more beneficial.

For some, the belief that they lack the power to influence their surroundings or take charge of their circumstances can lead to a pervasive feeling of anxiousness. This concept, known as 'learned helplessness', is a significant burden. It can lead individuals to passively accept the belief that unfortunate events occur independently of their efforts and actions. This struggle with learned helplessness can weigh heavily on the individual, often leading them to no longer attempt to alleviate their distress or seek solutions to their problems. 

If you cannot influence the world or others and surrendering is not an option, what's next? I would begin aiming for an approach that acknowledges what is beyond your control. This acknowledgement can be empowering, as it allows you to shift your attention to what you can influence, giving you a sense of power in a situation that may feel overwhelming. 

You can influence your actions and thoughts despite the challenges of dealing with sorrow that might make you think otherwise. You might need more effort than usual to positively reshape your mindset and behaviours. It's possible even if it happens gradually and with assistance from others. 

Here are some aspects you might have influence over

Your attempts at managing

If you're the type of person who always wants everything to be under your control and everyone to follow your lead completely, you might try working on being more relaxed and letting go of a bit of that need for control sometimes. It might not be simple at first, especially if you struggle with handling uncertainty or taking risks and feel overwhelmed by unpredictability and anxiety. In cases where this intense anxiety becomes a challenge to deal with on your own, it could be helpful to consider reaching out to a health counsellor for guidance on ways to manage these feelings better. 

The coping strategies you select can significantly impact your ability to manage grief. These strategies include seeking professional help, engaging in physical activity, or practising mindfulness. Finding strategies that align with your coping style and provide genuine healing is essential.

Engaging in coping involves using fixes to escape from difficult emotions or situations frequently experienced by individuals. These fleeting distractions may relieve distress but do not contribute significantly to genuine healing. Negative coping can be likened to a plaster for emotions. It momentarily dulls the ache but does not address the issue. Frequently, these patterns of behaviour can exacerbate stress levels as they are unhealthy and demand upkeep. 

It's crucial to avoid falling into and depending on coping mechanisms when facing grief; instead, focus on discovering ways to manage and values that align with your long-term healing. 

Your perspective

When circumstances are beyond our grasp and control, the one aspect we can manage is our mental state and outlook towards life. No matter what life takes away from us externally, our thoughts and attitudes remain within our domain of influence and choice. Moreover, we must determine how we uncover purpose and significance in life following moments of loss or hardship. Though it may require some time and patience, eventually, you'll reach that point of understanding and clarity.

Your network of assistance

You may not always have a say in your family or even your friends, but you do have the power to nurture and strengthen your support network. Use your support network wisely, and remember that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. You have the opportunity to seek assistance and be open to receiving support. 

"You can recognise and address manipulation within your circle of support."

To enhance your support network, you may look into community services and mental health experts. 

Your enduring connection with your loved one

"When someone close to you passes away. You experience grief; it's not a journey toward 'acceptance' or a 'new normal'. Instead of following a path after losing a loved one, you gradually adapt and redefine your connection with them over time. This process enables you to maintain a lasting bond with the person in ways as you move forward in life."  

In times of sorrow and hardship, finding solace in memories and thoughts of your loved one can provide comfort. Although death may have taken them from this world, they will forever reside in your heart and mind, a presence that time cannot erase. You can learn to find peace on your terms. Here to help.