Talking sex in therapy

Today, I'm talking SEX.

When working with couples, sex should and will come up. In fact it should be talked about explicitly. We don't necessarily want to know blow by blow (excuse the pun) but we do want to know:

• Are you having it?
• Do you enjoy it?
• How often?
• Is there anything about the sex that's bothering you?

It can be daunting talking about sex with a counsellor but it's totally necessary because if there is a problem with sex then we need to know. If it's something that is really important to the relationship then any issues need to be discussed.

If there is a hormonal problem then you will be directed to your GP who can perform tests to make sure everything is working as it should. Maybe you need to see a psychosexual therapist but, whatever is going on it is important to remember the following things:

• Sex should be enjoyable for you both
• If going through menopause then your GP can support you if your sex drive has gone down
• Issues around erection and libido should also be discussed with your GP as it can be a sign of something else
• Where there are little cherubs (children) preventing you from having sex then a plan of action can be devised
• And finally that when sex has stopped and there is no apparent physical reason for it then we should explore if the problem is elsewhere. When this happens, we often find there are other problems in the relationship that may have nothing to do with sex but your intimate life has become one of the casualties of the problem.

Try to not be afraid of talking about sex. Your couples counsellor should be gentle when discussing it with you. No one will be clutching their pearls when you talk about it as most trained couples counsellors would have done this a number of times before.

What is important is that you both can talk about it. If not with each other then with a trained therapist would can support you through this.