Silent Asperger's in the couple relationship

As a couples counsellor, I see certain patterns of problems and behaviours occur and reoccur in many couple relationships. This is when one of the partners is undiagnosed as having Asperger's syndrome.

The common theme is for there to be a huge and persisting love for one another and a desire to be together - and yet certain parts of their relationship feel all wrong. There is plenty of room for misunderstanding and hurt in both directions.

Often, the neurotypical (NT) partner will feel neglected and unloved by her partner and will get frustrated and impassioned by the lack of emotion, appreciation and physical affection coming her way.

The Asperger's partner will be perfectly happy in the relationship as long as things are calm and the only time they feel unhappy is if their partner shows that they are unhappy in an emotional manner. So the neurotypical partner melds to their autistic partner in order for things to stay harmonious, but in doing so she bends herself out of shape and is rarely feeling completely herself or happy in the relationship.

It is a complex dance. A situation where each partner's 'truth' differs wildly from the other's. They are both right but fight about the other being wrong. Both end up wanting to change the other because their truth is the only truth. There are often lovely harmonious parts of the relationship too which is why the couple continue to stay together. The nice times continue the desire to be together.

Working with a therapist

The destructive, unhappy part of the cycle can be demystified by working with a couples counsellor who has a special interest in Aspergers; who can explain the different brain workings of a neurotypical brain and an Asperger's syndrome brain to help clarify what is happening in the couple's relationship.

Once they know the 'facts', the couple can then work on improving their relationship or they can decide that it is not possible to be together. Arguably this is a better position to be in than not understanding why the cycle of frustrations and resentment persist.

Asperger's syndrome is now very rarely used as an official diagnosis. Many who may have traditionally been diagnosed as having Asperger's syndrome now receive a diagnosis as being autistic or using the term autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

To find out more about autism, diagnosis, and finding support, visit our autism page. To learn more about neurodiversity, different neurodivergent conditions, and how therapy can help.