Same old, same old?

So here we are in the last week of August, the mornings are a bit cooler, the shops are already displaying Christmas goods and if we are fortunate enough to have had a holiday it is now a memory. Parents are looking forward to the new school year - relieved and also hopeful. Some might even wonder how the children managed to live through six weeks of freedom from school!

What interests me as a parent, a worker and also a counsellor is how does this time of year leave you feeling? Physically and emotionally?

For some, the physical feelings might be rejuvenation, vitality and a sense of happiness and purpose. Emotionally we might be feeling upbeat, positive and joyful. 

And the rest of us? Perhaps less of the above and more depressed and anxious. Maybe feeling more disappointed that little feels as if it has changed. We might be feeling the frustration caused by being subjected to the same fears and doubts that always seem to be there. Just lurking in the background and waiting to pounce on us when we could really do without them. Perhaps those feelings of self-doubt about our ability to provide for our loved ones or ourselves are there. Maybe the sense of loathing that tomorrow, or next week, or next month or next year is, at best,  going to be a repeat. A repeat of the same drudgery, misery and lack of hope.

Realistically I think it will be a mixture of both upbeat positivity and downbeat negativity for all of us. For some folk, the downbeat negativity will override the pleasure of a life worth living. It might feed the self-loathing and futility we feel. If so, it probably will not encourage us to seek better, to strive for a clearer sense of purpose and well-being.

For those who read this and have a resonance with those feelings, I have nothing but compassion for you. It is not a nice place to be and the suffering you feel is indescribable. It is also very real. I find myself having to consciously not go down the path that leads to feeling that way again.

So if nothing is fixed and permanent, feelings and objects included, what can we do about them? Can we do anything about them? Can we rise above seemingly enormous and crushing feelings of low self-worth, depression, mortality, self-doubt, self-criticism and anger? Interesting that anger one. Anger at being hurt, anger at being cheated, anger about being “helpless and hopeless”. 

I believe we can. Each and every one of us can choose how we feel. We can actively self-regulate our feelings. We may have had a lifetime of reinforcing negative feelings - had them reinforced by circumstances, we might feel that is just the way our life is. It has always been that way and we can feel it will always be this way. That feels very powerful, even as I type the last sentence I can feel how overpowering those feelings can be. Ouch!

But we can change and move to better self-regulation. Perhaps not on our own but certainly it is possible with a counsellor. No one can do it for us, but with a good counsellor, we can move towards the way of being we desire. The way of being we deserve. Who wants a life filled with gloom and misery? I certainly do not.

In counselling it is not possible to change a past we would rather not have had. We can change the feelings that seem to rule us and that feel ever present though. We can process them and acknowledge the causes. We can accept what happened and what causes us to feel downbeat, negative and unworthy. By doing this we are able to choose how, subsequently, they affect us. We get to decide how we want to be and in counselling we can look at ways of achieving this. Is this easy? Is it quick? Is it realistic and effective?

 Easy - not very often, in my experience. 

Quick - it took us a lifetime to reach the point we are at, a quick solution is not impossible but improbable I would offer.

 Realistic and effective? Yes.

I have seen, in clients, a lasting and satisfying change of mood/perspective happen. Seen it happen far too regularly for it to be a matter of chance. The clients who have done the hard yards and gone into the depths of their feelings are the clients who have come out the other side in a far better state. Those clients are the ones who have actively sought and learned how to self-regulate. They are the clients who are able to continue their lives in a far more satisfying and meaningful way. In my world, I know this as having undergone therapeutic change.

Now let’s be honest here, no one among us is happy, joyous and free all the time. Few of us get to live a life beyond our wildest dreams. We are all, at some time or other, going to have our down days, our duvet days and the times when we feel restless, irritable and discontent. Such is life - without such time I wonder how we would be able to acknowledge the good times.

But, and it is a big but, we all have the ability to acknowledge and feel that way - the same as we all have the ability to regulate how long we stay feeling like that. No, it is not going to bring back the deceased loved one, soothe the bruises inflicted on you (physical and mental) or change a life we would not choose. However - when we are able to self-regulate we can see a way to change those feelings, a way that works for us. We are able to choose the way we respond instead of being overpowered by those feelings.

 We might need a counsellor to give us the space and support while we explore these feelings and this way of being but we can all do this.

You can do this - the first step is being brave enough to reach out for help. The rest can follow.

 So how do you want this next week, month or year to be? Same same or different?