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Re-light my fire - how to re-kindle seduction and attraction

People start relationships with wide-eyed enthusiasm and dream-like ideas of lust and adventure, but what happens when 'reality' kicks in? And how do you keep up the spice when familiarity and complacency take hold?

At the beginning of a romance, or what is commonly known as 'the honeymoon period' a relationship with a new partner can be full of excitement and fantasy. It can feel like you’re both in a magical bubble. For anyone who has experienced the chemical rushes of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin coursing through their system everything feels fresh and exhilarating, as brain chemistry runs wild.

After this period, the idealistic fantasy often subsides over time. The things which initially excited couples about one another can slowly erode away. Complacency, the greatest seduction killer, can take hold. The relationship can become static, stale, boring, monotonous, and predictable. It appears that either one or both partners have 'given up'. Even worse than that, it's become 'comfortable'. One accuses the other of no longer making an effort, but when that partner does start 'making an effort' it’s not met with approval, and 'trying' forces attraction ever further down the plughole. Why?

Because relational equity doesn’t work. In other words, trying to do things that please the other person in order to get something in return, such as intimacy, sex, or even understanding, only leads to rejection or a trip into the dreaded 'friend zone'. This may sound confusing, especially if your partner has told you that buying more gifts, doing DIY, or being more attentive is the reason they no longer want to be intimate with you. Seduction, romance, and attraction cannot be bought by good deeds, try-hard compliments or a barrage of gifts - that’s simply desperate, needy, supplicating behaviour. Intimacy cannot be negotiated, it must be authentically felt.

Therefore, natural attraction and seduction is built by;

  • Allowing space for the other person to think about you by getting on with your own life. Waiting to share your week with them face to face, and not continuously drip-fed over Whatsapp, messenger, or Facebook every five seconds is key.
  • Focusing on your own life and passions is attractive. It shows initiative, potential, and a passionate/meaningful life beyond your partner.
  • Light-hearted fun, flirtation, and teasing is essential. Serious chat should be relegated or minimised. Playfulness builds seduction.
  • Doing fun things together. Having fun together creates positive emotional anchors which can lead to a successful conclusion in the bedroom.
  • Having a polarised relationship (masculine and feminine). If you are basing the relationship on romance, then acting purely like a friend is no good. Acting like a lover and framing the relationship as such is essential.
  • Building seduction slowly. A fire is built up gradually with logs, tinder, and kindling to create a spark. From here, a fire burns slowly and has to be constantly tended to in order for it to begin to roar.
  • Never stop dating, romancing, and seducing your partner. Routine and comfort are passion killers.

Often between couples, the inferred goal is to gain certainty and security. But as the saying goes, 'familiarity breeds contempt'. Ironically, we need uncertainty and a little discomfort and tension to create balance, if the relationship is to be based on something more than friendship.

Stuck in a rutt within your relationship? A professional counsellor can help you to gain awareness of your sticking points and develop your relationships.

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Written by Adam Matthew Day - Relationship Counsellor & Coach

Adam Day is trained in various approaches as an integrative therapist; these include humanistic (person centred/existential), cognitive behavioural, transpersonal and psychodynamic. He is available for therapy throughout the week from 10am to 8pm.… Read more

Written by Adam Matthew Day - Relationship Counsellor & Coach

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