Love matters - love is kind

Love is a word we often hear and use in our daily lives, but how many of us truly understand what healthy love looks and feels like? 

People need love

Love is a basic human need. Babies and children need unconditional love - not based on how good or clever they are. If we haven't been loved as babies and children, we will likely find adult relationships difficult. I recognise that sometimes adults do not show their children love or healthy love for many complex reasons. Perhaps there is generational trauma.

What happens when we are little?

The circumstances of our conception and birth matter. If our parents are in a difficult situation, unable to provide emotional and physical safety, this will have an impact on them and us, sometimes for a lifetime.

We need our emotional and physical needs met. When we are little we depend on our parents or primary caregivers to love, soothe and comfort us when we hurt, as well as provide us with a safe place to live, food, shelter and so much more.

If this doesn't happen in childhood, as adults we may find it difficult to self-soothe - we may push our feelings down or anaesthetise them. It is also possible that we will have outbursts of explosive anger and not understand the underlying reasons for this.

If our parents are traumatised or are angry, stressed, anxious and facing difficult life circumstances, personally or professionally, they may find it difficult to provide the comfort that is needed. 

Children naturally cry out for help when they are frightened or in need. Sometimes people think needing a cuddle is attention-seeking. This is a reasonable need and important. When the adult is calm their nervous system and close contact with the child brings much comfort.

If no one comes, they will stop crying out and shut down. You can see this in the vacant eyes and lowered heads of some children whose needs have been repeatedly denied. They become almost invisible. They are not alright and have begun to internalise and suppress their feelings.  They may believe that they are unlovable and should not express their needs.

What is love?

Love is kind - it is safe, has boundaries, is respectful, gentle and so much more. When this is in place, we have a sense of connection with the person offering love. It is about actions as well as words. We can receive and internalise that love knowing that it is offered by someone trustworthy. We feel that love even when we are not with them.

If we have not been loved as babies and children we develop low self-esteem and believe that we are not lovable. This carries a deep sense of shame that there is something inherently wrong with us.

We may find ourselves consciously or unconsciously looking for love and acceptance perhaps in our performance at work, our looks, our financial situation, our academic achievements, by seeking to 'look perfect' physically, people-pleasing and much more.

Healthy self-esteem is based on understanding and valuing our humanity, dignity and intrinsic worth. It is not about what we look like, what jobs we do, our socio-economic status or what other people say about us. It enables us to be assertive, boundaried and self-compassionate. It also makes it possible for us to have empathy for other people. Empathy is the ability to try and see how things are for other people and convey this to them. If we can't convey this to them personally our empathy or lack of empathy will be evident in our conversations.

How have we been shown love?

If we believe that we need to perform to earn the love of other people, we may find ourselves seeking some kind of perfection that doesn't exist. We may be in controlling relationships and not realise that we are being controlled.

How do we show love?

It is also possible that we try and control other people and become enraged when they show any signs of protest. This is not love.

Healthy love is demonstrated in the way that we choose to treat other people including how we speak to and about them.

Fear of abandonment

If love has been withdrawn or withheld by another person this can be painful and leave us feeling adrift. Perhaps the relationship was never particularly stable - fine one day and not so good the next. If we find that we need to anticipate the mood of the other person that can be very anxiety-provoking as we endeavour not to be abandoned and rejected by them.

Perhaps they give us the silent treatment leaving us wondering if they will ever be in contact again. The thought of making contact with them fills us with anxiety because we are not sure if we will be rejected again. Our minds may fill with thoughts such as, 'What did I do wrong?' 'How do I fix this?' 'Should I just accept the relationship is finished?, 'Maybe I just need to try harder.' These feelings are part of the grief we are experiencing at the loss of someone who is still there but not there.

How do we show healthy love?

In healthy relationships we treat other people with respect - we see them as people in their own right. They are not an extension of ourselves or someone who is there to acquiesce to our every demand. 

Active listening is a profound way of showing empathy and understanding. We listen to understand, not talk over or dismiss. Our intention, tone and body language matters too - communication is nonverbal as well as verbal.

What happens if something goes wrong?

There are no perfect relationships and sometimes we are upset by other people or we upset them. If we know people well, we will understand if the other person needs some space or if they would prefer to talk about what has happened straight away. Apologies are good but we need more if we are to come back together with a new understanding and depth of connection.

In healthy relationships, I suggest that comfort precedes process and deep and meaningful conversation.

Arguments are not settled when both people are dysregulated. When we are calm we will be able to think about what has happened and the root of our distress. If the relationship is healthy it will be possible to repair the rupture.

In conclusion, healthy love is crucial if we are to live our lives well and build healthy relationships with other people.