Life after a relationship

When a relationship ends it often starts with ‘we don't talk anymore’. Of course, you are talking but not about the important stuff, sometimes not even the pleasantries. There is frequent loneliness as people approach a breakup. More often than not it's because something hasn't been talked about. This can be because it would mean changing a status quo that has kept the relationship going or because one or both of you are afraid of the answers.  

Once the relationship has ended then comes the grief, sometimes anxiety, low self-esteem, and even depression. It can feel like a death but the other person is still very much alive. The big obvious things like the person, their company, the sex, the financial support, and the living arrangement. But you can also mourn the little things. Their family, smell, your plans for the future, Sunday dinner with this person, the things they did that annoyed you, if you're at a certain age it can be the idea of children with this person, little quirks that they brought to your life. Even the change to your weekly routine can bring a sense of sadness.  

You may want to talk to your friends and the people closest to you however you may not want to discuss the intricate details, they will always have your side and maybe you don't want to hear how they ‘never liked them anyway’. And how long can you talk to them about how the ending of the relationship makes you feel? Sometimes it can feel like you don't want to discuss it with them any further.

So then comes the isolation. This can mean dedicating yourself to your work or some other hobby to take your mind off of the pain you're feeling. Do you check their social media? Should you ask mutual friends about them? Should you even go back to the relationship? 

These are all questions many of us who have recently dealt with the end of the relationship have asked ourselves, myself included. What happened was the need to work through these difficult feelings. I needed to vent, to talk, to discuss with someone who didn't want to save my feelings but be honest with me. I needed to be honest with myself about what I was going through and how best to navigate this. Most of all I needed to not feel alone. Relationships begin and end every day but the feelings that come with the endings can be so hidden from others that it can prevent the process of moving on.

So what can be done?

The things that people often refer to are the following:

• podcasts
• books
• music
• exercise
• friendships
• a therapist 

The reason is the need for connection with someone else who won't judge you or your ex-partner.  Someone to be with you during your grief, someone you can vent to without fear of repercussion or judgment. The therapist is impartial and will go at your pace and allow you to mourn your loss.  

Another source of support is groups where you are among people who are also experiencing life after a significant relationship. Who is willing to listen and learn, who wishes you positive regard, and who will also share their own stories of their relationship endings that have caused them pain.

These groups are facilitated by therapists who ensure a safe, confidential environment where your feelings can be talked about and you can emerge and evolve to who you are now, before discussing where you want your life to go. As with any loss you learn to live with the pain and move on.