Learning how to 'be' - unformed identity

This is for those of us who have felt like we never had the opportunity to form a strong identity and sense of self from the get-go.

As mentioned in my blog titled ‘Identity in Life Transitions’, the question of identity is something which comes up a lot in my counselling sessions, in particular for women. In that blog, I talked about how big or life-changing events in our lives can affect our sense of identity, to the point of losing all sense of who we are, and with that can come a feeling of grief for our lost self or an ‘identity crisis’.

"But I’ve never known who I am"

Not being able to form a strong sense of identity is a consequence of childhood; often due to having had a very domineering, bullying, strict or manipulative parent/caregiver. This child grows up being told how to behave, what to feel, think, like/dislike and unable to express their own opinions, thoughts and emotions. There is no encouragement for self-expression and freedom to just ‘be’.

The conditions put upon the child are usually that if they do as they are told and don’t deviate from this rigid way of being, they will receive love, care and acceptance. They believe that they are only loveable if they conform to these strict, inflexible standards and expectations. So they adapt accordingly.

It suffocates the child’s natural instincts, concept of self and how they interact with the world. They grow up unable to trust their own thoughts, judgements and perceptions of events because they’ve always been told how to feel and what to think.

This can also create unhealthy boundaries and a need for people pleasing; to find that love and acceptance in all interactions with others, because that permission to be themselves is lacking. They seek approval from other people, are overly concerned with what others think, and find it hard to make decisions; even simple ones like what to order in a restaurant, or what to wear for a meeting.

But of course, this is ‘normal’ for the child in that situation. They have no comparison or experience of how different it could be.

Then the curve ball comes…

The child then grows into an adult.

We start by continuing to live our life in that familiar state of being because that is all we know. Until life throws a curve ball. A hard, fast ball with a twist comes hurtling in our direction and we don’t know how to catch it because there is nobody to tell us how to react, feel or think.

We can find ourselves confused, and overwhelmed; our heads a swirling fog of uncertainty. There is no clear way to move forward or any instinctive skills to hit the ball away, so we stay rooted to the ground, feeling stuck, panicky and vulnerable. Or we feel numb and we shut our eyes in the hope that the ball will miss, until we become so overwhelmed that we can’t cope.

Our sense of safety has gone. Our sense of the world has altered.

"I don’t feel like I’m living my own life"

The realisation that we haven’t developed a strong sense of identity, a deep trust and self-belief in ourselves, can cause a huge range of emotions.

And of course, these emotions feel alien. We never had permission to feel emotions and we don’t know what to do with them, or how to ‘be’. They don’t sit or feel right internally.

These emotions can encompass shock, grief, anger and sadness. There can be a huge sense of self-blame for not realising sooner, or for ‘letting it happen’. And there can be guilt for feeling angry towards the parent/caregiver, who you were taught to love as a child; as this person created such rigid conditions that left no room for self-growth.

Reflecting on past events and childhood can be painful because we are seeing and experiencing them with a different perspective, an adult perspective; seeing these past experiences with the realisation that we were on autopilot and behaving within the rigid conditions set upon us. Maybe even feeling like we’ve missed out on lots of these experiences because we didn’t really ‘live’ them like other people.

"How do I find out who I am?"

It takes time, patience and persistence. But it’s never too late.

It can feel scary too. We have to start taking responsibility for ourselves, and our choices and venturing into unknown, potentially hostile territory.

Finding out who we are involves challenging our values, perceptions and belief systems. It requires giving ourselves permission to feel, think and behave in a way which is authentic to us. We have to learn to drive the car instead of being the passenger.

It involves learning how to trust our instincts and gut feelings about new situations, people and experiences. We have to let go of what other people might think of/about us and open ourselves up to experiencing life with willingness and being ‘different’.

We can unlearn the truths we believed about ourselves, and build a new language which encourages self-expression, self-belief and courage to just ‘be’. We can change the internal dialogue from “I should do this so they approve of/love me” or “I should be like this otherwise I’m a bad person”  to “I will respond in a way which feels right for me, with an awareness of other’s needs”.

And so begins your journey of learning how to ‘be’

A counsellor can guide you through this journey. They will validate your emotions and feelings because you have every right to feel shocked and distressed when you realise you’ve not been encouraged or allowed to develop and grow a secure sense of self and identity from childhood. 

There could be highs and lows on this deeply personal journey to discover your true self. Identity has so many layers beyond existing as son/daughter, woman/man/nonbinary, partner, parent, sibling, work colleague, friend, and so on. 

Counselling is a search to discover who you are. Are you building up new layers, or stripping the old away? You need to work out what you like, and dislike, and form opinions and thoughts which are your own, with the courage to voice them regardless of other people’s reactions. It is a hard thing to open yourself up to feel vulnerable as you begin to express your newly forming identity and sense of self.

You need to not only develop trust in yourself but also in others. There can be a sense of betrayal that not only did your parent/caregiver let you down but also that others may have taken advantage of your need to please others. Or that nobody stepped in to help.

Your counsellor will guide, support and celebrate your transformation into knowing who you are, and what you like/dislike, think and feel. Their compassion, empathy and acceptance of you, with no conditions or expectations, will reinforce your newly emerging sense of self.