Is it time to rebrand selfishness? Time for boundaried generosity

The question of selfishness is a common theme in counselling. People often ask, how do I tell people what I want and need without sounding selfish?

Many of us are taught from a young age that to put other people’s needs and feelings before our own is a great, noble act of kindness. Even the Dalai Lama suggests that the key to happiness is in a sense of kindness and compassion to others. But, if this were completely true, why do we find putting our own needs and feelings to one side so jarring and painful? Why do we ask ourselves how we can express our needs without ‘offending everybody’? Why do we resent saying yes or feel exhausted by the weight of responsibility for the happiness of others?

I’ve often been unhappy with the word selfish. It feels to me that this one word encompasses two types of selfishness, a ‘bad’ type and a ‘good’ type. The bad type of selfishness is where we only think of our own needs to the obvious detriment of those around us. It is a type that does not consider how our actions have consequences, overrides the basic needs of others and exists solely for our own profit or pleasure. Perhaps it is spending money that is not yours on things you do not need. Maybe it is expecting a weary partner or parent to provide for all of your needs without question or compromise.

The ‘good’ type of selfishness feels different. It is acting in a way that puts your needs and feelings first in situations where more has been taken than given. It is actively protecting your well-being, time and energy by saying no to doing things that make you unhappy or resentful or saying yes to doing things that fill you with joy and peace. Either way, the word selfish ends up encompassing all of these meanings, even though the motivations behind them differ.

In which case, I think it’s time for a rebrand. I recently heard the term ‘boundaried generosity’ which I feel is an excellent way to describe our ‘good’ selfish acts. The term comes from a book by Dr Thomas Skovolt about how to build resilience to prevent burnout, especially in the helping professions. It’s long been known that helping others has benefits for us, but it also comes at a price. Especially if we are using helping others and putting ourselves last as a way to protect ourselves from our feelings or defend ourselves against examination. Or if we are using our time and energy to meet the expectations of others. He defined boundaried generosity as being able to have limits and yet give oneself to others. Sounds easy right?

So what does boundaried generosity actually look like? It can include:

• Protecting your time - saying no to an event even if you aren’t busy but you just want some of your own time for yourself.
• Taking people at their word - not taking responsibility if someone tells you it’s OK for you to go out with your friends and then later is resentful.
• Scheduling time for self-care and saying ‘I’m busy’ without explanation when something clashes.
• Accepting that you do not have to be everyone’s safety net - that people will solve emergencies or issues without you ‘rescuing’ them.
• Sitting in the awkwardness when you say exactly what you want or need and it doesn’t match up to the wants and needs of others.

There are thousands of examples of this kind of ‘good’ selfishness. Of course, it’s not always easy but if you find your boundaries are easily crossed or ignored by others, or that your time is expected to be given without question, or that people come to you because they know you always say yes or you’re the only one they can rely on, it may be time to put some boundaries around your generosity.