Infidelity: How to help your relationship

One of the biggest betrayers, since time began, has to be ‘the cheater’. In fact, infidelity is the only sin the bible forbids twice in the ten commandments; once for doing it and the other for thinking it. In the contemporary era, monogamy seems to have shifted its meaning from one person of life to one person at a time, but the effect of having been betrayed in such a way for both sides remains eternally devastating.

What is interesting is observing what is cheating and how it is defined between each couple; obviously sexual contact with another person outside of the relationship but this has evolved to sexting, secretly having a profile open on a dating application, watching porn etc. This shows that there is a varied standard between what we would define as cheating is constantly evolving and encompassing a wide variety of technology and sociological changes: For example, looking at the concept of being happy; staying in a failing relationship brings a unique shame, dump the cheat now rather than attempt to fix the problem. This means that it is now easier than ever to cheat yet it is never been so hard to keep a secret.

Clearly, it is our mind that is in charge of how we perceive what cheating is and indeed what that secretive, sexually charged emotional relationship would be, as it is the mind that could imagine contact with another person that could be as powerful as the act itself. This proves the adage that the biggest sex organ in humans is the brain. Affairs it would seem, from this standpoint that desire is not necessarily about sex, sorry about breaking a stereotype there.   

The heart of an affair will be the need for autonomy, personal freedom, fear expressing needs and communication, sexual intensity all screaming the want for an emotional connection with another person. An affair is a loss. Consider the person who has had a very sheltered adolescence but then in their twenties has the passion to find a sexual partner and goes sex mad; the person who has a child enter the relationship and wonders if they are as attractive as they once were; the person who wonders what it would be like.

Desire and betrayal run deep in the subconscious but the statistics show that couples that stay together and this can be due to the fact that they are invigorated by the change, now some will be superfluous and those relationships end, but for the majority, these people turn a crisis into an opportunity. It brings people closer together as they talk more and sort out their issues. Communication and imagination can resolve even the deepest of concerns.

How to help your relationship

1. Talk about what infidelity means to you, both of you set boundaries and respect them.

2. Talk about sex and what turns you on and off and vary bedroom activities to keep you both interested.

3. Flowers, flirt, foreplay and other ways to remind each other why you love one another. 

4. Show consideration the fastest way to get your partner into the bedroom? Clean the house, make dinner, wash-up; something that helps your partner relax and make them think of you in a caring considerate way, by showing consideration you are exciting the mind and also you get something for your hard work.

5. Show consideration in the bedroom and maybe take turns with birth control (where appropriate), washing pre-sex especially if you wish to engage in cunnilingus or fellatio, slow and steady wins the race, switch the phone off (don’t want dear mama, the boss or the energy company interrupting this event), cuddle after the act etc.

6. Before bringing new ideas into the bedroom talk about it before the event to allow ideas to develop and consent to be obtained. New things possibly not best to be introduced if you want to have a quickie, as this might cause some disarray and not get the desired message across in the best way possible.

It might sound patronising but when you are dealing with emotions or trying to resolve what went wrong communication is the key.   

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Written by Brian Turner BA (Hons.) MNCS Snr Accred / Supervisor. (Prof. Dip PsyC)

I am a psychotherapist that uses a diverse and wide spectrum of techniques to ensure that my clients feel empowered and confident, so they are able to achieve what they wish to achieve when presenting with a broad range of issues.… Read more

Written by Brian Turner BA (Hons.) MNCS Snr Accred / Supervisor. (Prof. Dip PsyC)

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