How to remember loved ones

Honouring the memory of a loved one can be a powerful way to navigate the journey through grief. By reflecting on shared experiences, celebrating their life through meaningful rituals, and finding ways to keep their presence alive in your heart, you can create a lasting connection that brings comfort. Whether through storytelling, revisiting cherished places, or simply holding onto special items, these acts help you heal and maintain an enduring bond. Grief counselling can offer support, guiding you to process emotions and embrace new ways of remembering your loved one.

Memories are invaluable treasures that remain with us. To honour these memories, you might:

• Reflect on photographs, talk about them with other people
• Remember things you did together, when was the last time you laughed together?
• Play their favourite songs/artist
• Ask questions to find out more about their life (for example, what were they up to in their youth, before they had children)
• Picture them in your mind. Are they smiling? Looking at you?
• Cook the person’s favourite meal, hang a picture, write in a journal
• Try to recall their voice
• Write them an unsent letter: what did they teach you? Write about something you want them to know and something you wish you could have said. Write about something you will always remember.
  What are some of the good times you shared?
• Share stories about the loved one, with time, finding comfort and fluidity in bringing the person up
• Create art or a garden in their memory
• Find ways to "include them” in future celebrations
• Treasure meaningful items by wearing them
• Visit places that hold special significance
• Bring your loved one into the present by taking on roles, tasks or qualities of the person 
• Recognise that the memories and daydreams of our loved ones will evolve, living alongside us, and developing as we do.

Many grief counsellors agree that expressing sorrow and having someone to share it with can be healing, while suppressing emotions may be detrimental. It's crucial not to force conversations but to wait for the right time. During this journey, you can gradually rebuild a positive memory of your loved one.

How grief counselling can support you and your family

If you fear grief is becoming overwhelming and people around you are starting to lose patience or pull away, you have the option to see a counsellor. In Grief Work, therapists will encourage you to talk about the person you lost, their place and roles in your life, and what you miss about them.

A competent grief counsellor will hold your emotions and support you in expressing difficult emotions surrounding the loss, such as:

• blame directed at the medical profession or towards the self
• paralysing fear and anxiety. C. S. Carrol wrote, after the passing of his wife: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear”
• guilt for not being able to do more or see the person more before their disappearance
• potential trauma surrounding a particularly troubling loss (suicide, sudden or violent tragedy, unresolved death such as missing in action or following an event that happened far away)
• anger for being left as the sole survivor if you are a parent, or for discovering things you did not know before they passed away

Unpacking and exploring these emotions can help us feel more like ourselves again.

What could you expect from a grief session?

Therapy sessions can be a valuable support for parents in assisting their children, as well as in navigating their journey through grief. Therapy provides a time and space to connect with the memory of the deceased in a secure and supportive setting.

Reconnecting with those around you can be beneficial, especially when they may not know how to support you in times of need. Some understand that simply being there is the most valuable support they can provide. They may be empathetic to your pain and attuned to your desires and needs. However, some may struggle to express their concern, mistakenly believing that mentioning your loss could exacerbate your sorrow.

Here are some questions that a counsellor might ask, to help you make sense of what happened:

• What was your immediate reaction when learning about the death?
• How did your life change after your loss?
• What role did your loved one have in your life?
• What role do they play now, if any (role model, angel on your shoulder, encouraging voice in the background, someone you address your thoughts to, someone you got a legacy from, such as freckles for instance)?
• What are some of the good times you shared? The bad times? Their good qualities? Their bad sides too. Overall, what kind of a person were they?
• What would you have liked to say to them, that you did not get to say?

Maintaining a clear, dynamic, and authentic mental image of the departed loved one is crucial for the well-being of the bereaved children and partners. Beyond the sorrow, there lies a possibility to restore a tranquil memory of the individual we have lost, which is essential in grief counselling.

Many find peace, comfort and solace in the enduring bond with a loved one. Love persists even after someone has passed away. Discovering ways to express this enduring love can be an integral part of therapeutic work.

References

Childhood Grief: Guidelines for Caregivers | Worksheet | Therapist Aid

Tear Drop Project, Bereavement, Things that may help

Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief by Dennis Klass, Phyllis R. Silverman, Steven L. Nickman (Taylor & Francis, 1996)