How to make friends as an adult

Kids make it look so easy - Do you like Lego? Me too! Let's be friends. And it’s done. But what about us adults? Let’s break it down.

Imagine your ideal friend - get specific

Of course, don’t expect perfection - but rather two or three traits you’d enjoy. As well as the type of person you’re absolutely not interested in spending time with (no judgement - just not your crowd!)

Imagine the weekend - what are they doing? Partying? Working out? Staying in and reading? What books do they read? Are they arty or sporty? What do they do for a job? Are they single or married with kids? Will they show you a new way of looking at life that challenges you, or are you looking for someone who will enjoy the same comforts as you?

Understanding traits as well as what they enjoy doing can give you an idea of the types of places they can be found. There are also apps like Meetup that offer friend meet and greets as well as dating apps offering friend sections - but if that’s not your style, definitely go the traditional route!

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Go where they go and expect to be nervous

Arty friend? Take art classes. Sporty? Go to a gym. As we talked about above, find where their natural environments are and go there – and expect to be nervous. Social anxiety is very normal - if you’re not a natural extrovert, you will very likely try to talk yourself out of doing even this first step.

Expect it - see it for what it is (protection from rejection) – so when the time comes and you plan to go the gym to possibly make a friend and your mind starts trying to talk you out of it – be with that resistance, listen to what it’s telling you before thanking it and doing it anyway.

Because it is this fear keeping you stuck – you cannot fail, if you try – you can only learn. Rejection is a hard feeling to cope with on your own, which is when counselling can prove to be so helpful as you learn how to combat it. If rejection is holding you back contact me today to find out how I can help you.

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Get to know yourself too

Part of what makes this experience so scary is that we’re putting too much focus on gaining a friend – you know that saying?  A watched kettle never boils? This is very similar to that.

Hopefully, you are going to these places because you enjoy them too on your own - you’re likely to have a nice time even if you don’t meet anyone. So your energy is relaxed and content, which will make you more approachable to other people as you connect over something you both love – rather than the robotic, unnatural – “You seem nice, let’s be friends” you have: “I enjoyed this class very much, what did you think? I’d love to hear more – shall we get coffee in town this week?”

When you're at the edge of giving up and going home before even starting -decide that the end goal isn't making a friend, but rather - furthering your relationship with yourself, and meeting new people - knowing as you navigate making new connections for the first time it will at times, likely feel “forced/uncomfortable” - trying anything unfamiliar feels that way.

But if you trust the process and have fun, friends are likely to appear.

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I see someone - how do I chat with them?

First, before you approach, calm your nervous system as much as you can. Do some breathing exercises, talk kindly to yourself, and look at your environment to calm your thoughts (like focusing on a tree if you’re outside).

Once you’re calm, approach with a smile and a natural pace (not rushed and anxious). Start by noting your common interest and lead with a compliment or ask for help in some way, this will help make the person feel at ease with you and it’s a natural reflex to give help if asked.

Some examples below:

• “Hey! I really like your art style, have you always painted in that way? I’m so and so, what’s your name?”
• “Hi - I’m struggling with these weights can you show me how my form is? You looked like you knew what you were doing earlier. I’m so and so”

Then once you feel confident that the conversation is going well, express an interest to see them again and get their number. If you’re really bold - suggest a date next week whilst the memory of you is fresh and welcomed. You can even be honest in your vulnerability - people tend to appreciate honesty.

“I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you, would you like to meet for coffee next week? I’m a bit nervous asking - remember the days in school when this felt more natural? Haha! Well anyway, I would love to see you again if you’re open to it. When are you free?”

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The worst they can say is no

Your mind might tell you that they’ll poke fun and make it an awful experience...But is that really likely? Besides, if that were to happen - you don’t want to be friends with someone like that anyway.

You are expressing an interest in someone, no matter the outcome - you’re going to make them feel good about themselves and flattered. With that in mind, you cannot lose.

If someone politely turns you down, this can be due to multiple reasons unknown to you – so please don’t take it personally or as an excuse to further harm yourself. Predict a few no’s coming your way in the beginning as simply part of the journey, the more comfortable you are with rejection – the more confident you will become and therefore more approachable.

A response to a rejection could be: “I see, no problem at all. I just thought I’d ask. Lovely chatting with you, enjoy the rest of your day.”

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Final thoughts

Expect to feel embarrassed, expect to find it a bit of a clumsy experience. You might not gain a friend immediately, but with continued practice, you’ll become confident and the right people will be drawn to your character. You’ve got this!

If you struggle with social anxiety, rejection or overall find life hard to adjust to as an adult, reach out today for a counselling session to gain coping strategies, understanding and further confidence.