How narcissism works: Breaking the narcissistic cycle

There have been many questions asked of me in my practice as to how narcissism works. I have found through academic reading, including that of Dr Jane and Tim McGregor’s The Empathy Trap, a simple solution to provide insight on how these individuals use a formulated approach to get what they want and cause havoc upon their victims. I wish to offer a take on that to provide you with the essential takeaways, to boost your understanding of such a heavy topic.

There are three stages, and they include:

1. Idealisation
2. Devaluation
3. Discard

Narcissism has a way of repeating and most narcissism (if not all) follows this pattern, and this has allowed professionals to note a pattern and to give a comprehensive guide on what to look for. I hope through this gentle introductory article to expand upon this.

1. Idealisation

This stage is the best stage of narcissism and can be colloquially referred to as ‘love bombing’. This stage involves massive tokens of affection, grand gestures, creating a 'swept off your feet' style in a fast-paced romance that is too good to be true. This is the first sign that may be an indication that we are in the narcissistic cycle.

Why do they do this? Simple - this stage is designed to make you dependent and to have you rely upon them. It increases to the point you find they are the sole focus of your world, and friends, family, and work colleagues, all come second place and eventually fade into nonexistence. This is especially true if there are voices of dissent towards the narcissist in your life. This is subtle manipulation in the guise of faux affection.

2. Devaluation

This stage is the most demoralising and one of the most destructive phases of the relationship. This is where a person will engage in a series of tactics that are designed to demoralise and supplement control of the relationship firmly in the hands of the narcissist. This stage will include insults, intense criticism, and feeling like walking on eggshells in the relationship.

This phase can see unexplained criticism emanate from nowhere. You can be faced with a barrage of passive-aggressive behaviour and blatant withdrawal of affection. In addition, the biggest and most devastating toll - gaslighting.

Why do this? Simple - to affirm their power of superiority over the victim and intensify control.

3. Discard

This is another instant and random technique that causes hurt and simply conveys that your use has come to an end. This can happen in two ways. Usually, it may be a simple end to all comms and a ghosting effect takes place. The second may be a series of devaluation behaviours that force the victim to leave. The narcissist may engage in a breakdown and state it is the victim’s fault and that too can be utilised to enforce a discard phase.

Why do this? To show you are no longer needed and you are discarded.

Repeating the cycle

The narcissist, who may not have identified fresh prey to move onto, may start the cycle again (right after the discard) and go into idealisation. This could be due to a limited prey source. But, whatever the reason, the goal remains the same - to enforce control. This cycle will not end until the victim takes the brave step to move away and to do so safely.

To help you break the cycle, here is the first step - reading this article. You may be within your own relationship, or witness it in others. You can spot unhealthy behaviours, which could be the first major step to moving away from harm.

I say safely walk away from harm as, in domestic violence situations, it is always best to have a plan and support. As, when a narcissist is faced with the prospect of losing their victim, the chances of them increasing the threat of violence to maintain control increases exponentially. This has sadly been proved in cases and through studies and it is always best to have full support and advice from professionals in this area before acting.

In all cases, establishing boundaries and seeking professional help can empower you with education to break free from narcissistic tyranny.