Help! My teen is off to university

Change is challenging! Facing this momentous life stage can feel huge. Your child who was only a moment ago was going to tennis camps is now heading off to university. It can be hard for us as parents to know exactly how to support our young adults through this transition. 

Supporting your teenager as they leave home for the first time

There are so many things in their lives that are changing at the same time which is challenging…from school to uni, peer dynamics, close friendships plus their relationship to you. All these challenges can be a huge source of anxiety and often this is not shared with you.

Having dedicated support, who specialises in working with young people, here are some of our tips that you can use to support your young person in making the transition to university easier.

Be prepared

Research together the changes that are going to take place. Have a light-hearted discussion around some of the simple things that will change and give your young person a heads up. It can be useful to be clear about what the course will expect from your teen. Where they are going to live. Try and explore practically what this will be like. Being very practical takes away the anxiety. 

Start talking through the and being positive about how this next step and new lifestyle will be. This may well be very different from the comfort of home and school. What will this be like? Sharing? Noise? Cooking? Housemates? The secret here is to normalise and take a very positive view. Keeping humour and a “can do” attitude. 

Sometimes some of the practical things at this stage can feel overwhelming, but it’s ok to offer help to sit down and fill out forms or help decide some of the practicalities.

Have your teen talk to someone who is at university. This can reduce a huge amount of stress. We all know that parents may not “know “ very much about life at university. Having a friendly friend or relation who is at university to share some advice can be very useful. This is far more accessible than anything that a parent can say.

Listen 

This moment is really a big deal for your teen even if they are trying to be very grown up. It is an emotional time. When they decide to talk about how this change is affecting them then make sure you are available, engaged and responsive. Your ear can be the very thing that can calm nerves and help them understand their swinging emotions. By being available and listening this clues you in to being able to support them. 

Make it clear you are always there

Whilst we expect our teens to know that they can always call us, it's important to be clear that they can call anytime. This can be psychologically very stabilising for a teen. Their secure base is not changing simply you are there if they need you. Surprisingly you may need to keep contact even more especially in the early days. Many new university students may think it’s “not cool” to call home or admit they are homesick in the first weeks of university.

However, if you call they may be very grateful. One parent who spoke to me said that they realised their daughter was homesick and it was only when she said “You are not in Borstal you can come home for the weekend “ This shifted her daughter's homesickness. Many struggle and don’t want to admit that they are struggling.

Realistic expectations

Take the pressure off your teen when they arrive at university. Every new student will be looking to make friends but it’s not always that easy. Most teens have quite a firm friendship group at school created over many years. The pressure to make friends and start having ‘fun” is huge and it may take a while to find the right group of friends. Having parental expectations can make it even harder to adjust. It will take a while to find their feet. They may be really missing their old schoolmates and every student feels everyone is having a better time. It takes time to settle into the groove.

It's OK if you are nervous too!

Of course, you are nervous about your teen heading off to university. It can stir up all sorts of emotions in us as parents. It’s a huge change and will leave a gap in the family dynamics. Having said that this is not the time to project your anxieties onto your teen. Your teen will be taking the cue from you. If you are quietly confident in their abilities they will step up to the challenge. Try and have some normality to your days and do the things that reduce the stress in your home. Do some of the things that you and your teen enjoy doing even the simple things are very calming.

Talk about support

Before heading off and before there are any challenges it is important to make sure that pastoral care is on the same list as their university book list and how many coffee mugs to take along. If things go badly wrong it is best to have someone to fall back on. Our biggest fear as a parent is that we are not aware if our child is not coping. 

This is where we can support

We are providing a bridge from home to independence. We are providing online support to your teen to make sure that their emotional well-being is being taken care of. Initially, once a week, check-in can then be reduced to once every two weeks and then once a month. In our experience having this safety net of support for a young adult provides them with the care that is required as they navigate all the demands of university.