From grief to growth - a guide for parents of bereaved children

When a parent, partner or close relative in our lives passes away, it can be an overwhelming time, especially when children and young individuals are involved. While our instinct is to shield them from pain and sorrow, it's worth considering the following points:

• Children and young people may sense events and feel hurt if not informed directly, leading to confusion and emotional isolation.
• They might exhibit various reactions, such as crying, anxiety, clinginess, worries about family and friends, distress during goodbyes, changes in behaviour, difficulties with concentration, aggression, nightmares, bedwetting, mood swings, unexplained physical issues, concerns about school, withdrawal, fixation on death, and incorporating death into play or stories.
• Communication and honesty are key in helping children cope, encouraging questions, allowing emotional expression, and participating in farewell rituals.
• Acknowledging the child's loss, maintaining regular routines, seeking support from school and others, normalising fun and emotional well-being, and offering a safe space for expression are essential.

Try to talk openly with children, involve them in memorials, and provide professional help if needed.

What do I tell my child?

Navigating the challenging questions posed by children can be particularly confusing, especially when we are not always certain of the answers ourselves.

“What happens after we die? Where did they go?”

Adults frequently employ euphemisms and indirect language to discuss death, referring to the deceased as having "passed away" or being "at peace." The term "dead" may appear too blunt and upsetting. Conversely, children often do not use such language. Avoiding frank discussions about death with children can lead them to come up with their own, sometimes more alarming, explanations and concepts.

Explaining death to children

Children might not fully understand the concept of death, questioning how the individual will now eat, drink, or feel pain. Demonstrate understanding of your child's sorrow. There is no correct way for them to react to a loss. It is usual for children to display intense emotions or seem unaffected. Some may appear fine at first but later show sadness. It is important not to judge their emotions.

Strive to maintain a sense of normality as much as possible. Children thrive on routines and predictability, which can be disrupted by the loss of a loved one. Aim to adhere to regular schedules such as meals, bedtime, and daily activities.

• Explain that when someone passes away, "their body stops working, and they no longer eat, drink, or feel pain."
• Reinforce multiple times that the person will not come back, steering clear of vague terms like "departed", “late” or "lost," which might confuse children.
• Clearly communicate that the person has died to prevent misconceptions and offer accurate information to prevent children from creating their own interpretations.
• Provide a simple reason for the death without sharing distressing specifics, such as "they passed away because of an illness" or "they died in a car accident."
• Affirm to children that they are not responsible, dispelling any notions that their actions or words caused any harm.
• Comfort children regarding their safety, especially after losing a caregiver, addressing worries about their continued care and well-being by adults.
• Avoid assigning a rigid role or fixed responsibility to your child that does not allow for flexibility, like "You're in charge now" or "You have to be strong/brave for daddy."
• It is acceptable for your children to witness your distress - but avoid overwhelming emotional outbursts that may scare them.
• Treat any mention of suicide seriously, such as "I don't want to be here anymore." Seek professional help if a child discusses suicide.

Life is an unpredictable journey with expected and unexpected changes. Coping with unwanted and cruel changes, especially those beyond your control, can be tough. Gradually, you will adjust to the absence of your loved one and the changes brought about by their passing.

It may feel impossible to recover from the loss of someone dear to you, but with time, the pain will lessen, making life more bearable.

Cherish the memories close to your heart. Some find solace in silently or audibly speaking to their loved ones. This is a natural process and doesn't suggest mental instability; it provides a safe space for reflection and coping with a disrupted reality.

Your reactions to the loss will influence how your child copes with their own losses. Take care of your mental and physical well-being by connecting with others, staying active, and maintaining healthy habits.

Addressing children's emotions and needs in these early stages can significantly benefit their future well-being. Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup, so prioritise your own emotional state. Be kind to yourself and seek help if needed.

References

Childhood Grief: Guidelines for caregivers | Worksheet | Therapist Aid

Tear drop Project, Bereavement, Things that may help

Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief by Dennis Klass, Phyllis R. Silverman, Steven L. Nickman (Taylor & Francis, 1996)