Expressing needs in relationships- is it selfish to do so?

Everybody has needs. That is a normal human condition and our health and happiness can depend on whether these needs are satisfied or not. However, they seem to cause lots of confusion in relationships and they often lie at the root of conflicts. Let’s look at first how selfish we might be if we express them and then how we could express them without becoming confrontational.

Our basic and higher needs underpin all areas of our lives. If you have a look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, he calls physiological needs (hunger, thirst, reproduction etc) and the need for safety (personal and physical security) our basic needs and as you climb upward in his famous pyramid, you will find love and belonging, esteem (such as self-esteem and respect from others) and finally self-actualisation (self-fulfilment, achieving of your personal potential). So as far as theory tells us, it is OK to have needs. Or to put in context: it is normal to need your partner to understand your feelings (love and belonging), the same way as it is that you need their respect (esteem) or their help with the washing-up (physiological) or their contributions toward household finances (safety).

So why does it feel so selfish to express them? Well, the most likely answer is that you were conditioned to feel that way when significant figures in your life ignored or dismissed your reasonable needs or proved to be unable to fulfil them.

As a child, we often struggle to get our needs satisfied as soon as possible. Children are vulnerable, therefore they feel the pressure to make their voices heard. They are also dependent on their caregivers so they try their best to express what they need. However, sometimes those needs are left unmet: children might have been physically or emotionally neglected by their parents, unforgiving, harsh parenting can prevent our needs for esteem from flourishing, poverty can shake our sense of safety, and bullying results in a lack of belonging. All sorts of negative experiences in our childhood can result in an assumption that expressing needs is selfish or that it is useless to even try.

Here is one more key component to understand otherwise it can also be confusing: while it is perfectly normal to have needs, it is also true that not all of our needs can be met, at least not right there and then. No matter how hard you try, you won’t ever find one perfect person who can fulfil all your needs.

Cruel, but it is true: the universe was not created to spin around us. It is part of our psychological maturing process to understand and come to terms with this sad aspect of our life: sometimes our needs have to wait to be satisfied or might not be fulfilled at all. Remember all the instances when you were told you could only have ice cream once you had finished your vegetables or how many times you heard “I am too tired for sex tonight, maybe tomorrow?” or how many times you were turned down for a job or a promotion- the common theme is that your satisfaction was put on hold.

For most of us waiting for the other for some time to be available and respond to our needs is not a problem, we get used to this as children. Thankfully, we rarely see people throwing a fit just because they have to queue for their morning coffee. However, in close-knit relationships when we get negative comments from someone important such as: “Don’t be so needy, be reasonable, can’t you see I am busy, why aren’t you more independent” or our plea is put on hold indefinitely, we can easily start doubting the validity of our needs.

Doubting yourself can sound like maybe it is true, maybe we did ask too much, or maybe we are selfish or self-centred. There is often an element of rationalising: I didn’t really need that, my partner was just too tired, next time it will be different and the list goes on. The problem with doubting and rationalising is that in the long run unmet needs become sources of lasting resentment. Have you ever looked at your partner and started saying something like: you never really...The end of that sentence is likely based on a need that is important for you but it remained unmet over the course of the relationship.

How can this be prevented? By expressing your needs rather than your resentments. The first step is to focus on how you feel – not on what happened or what the other person did or didn’t do. It can be hard to notice how you are feeling but that is necessary to be aware of your needs.  Here is an example: you arrive home after a long day at work. You notice that the washing-up hasn’t been done. You were already tired and now you are getting frustrated and you start doing the dishes. Once you have finished, you go and tell off your partner/children/housemates for not pulling their weight. It becomes a confrontation. What could have been done differently?

Notice how you feel: tired, exhausted, fed up. What do you need: help with your task. How to express this: do not start doing the dishes. Go and say something along the lines: I have had a long day and I am tired (you have now expressed your feelings). Can you do the dishes? (expression of your need)

What might happen after this? Ideally, your need will be satisfied: someone will come and help you. However, we all know this is not always the case. The other might refuse it or want to postpone it. If you are refused, the consequences are the same as before, you will have to do the dishes, your needs are not met and you might feel angry. So what was the point of expressing it in this case? The answer is simple: now you know. You know that the other is knowingly neglecting your needs. Although it is hard to face rejection, this gives you a chance to evaluate your relationship and what you are getting out of it, instead of doubting yourself and rationalising the behaviour of the other.

What if the answer is not a straightforward refusal but a request to postpone? Here we need to refer back to the reality of not all your needs can be met whenever you want them. This is a chance to compromise and find a win-win solution. The dishes can wait, the other might have something more important to finish. A good, acceptable compromise is a necessary part of long-lasting relationships. The rule of thumb is a compromise is a “good” one if you can accept it without feeling resentful.

To sum up, your needs are not selfish, they are part of who you are. In your relationships, try to express how you feel and what you need from the other. First, notice your own feelings. Think about what could be done to satisfy you. Use simple sentences to communicate them: I feel...when you do...can you do this and this? Don’t be afraid of rejection and embrace the chance to compromise. Thrive to find win-win solutions and you can spare your relationship from the negative effect of lasting grudges.